Fifty More Ways to Leave Your Lover
Alien abduction, feigned
Alien abduction, actual
Amnesia and short-term memory loss
Amnesia and short-term memory loss
Amnesia and short-term memory loss
Arbitration, binding
Arbitration, non-binding
Backsies
Barrel over Niagara Falls
Batpole
Boiling the pet rabbit on the stove to be discovered by the family upon their return
Breakup clues secretly incorporated into the New York Times crossword
Cake in the shape of a broken heart with strawberry blood, inscribed “It’s over” in black frosting
Catapult
Changing the locks on your shared canal
Civil War re-enactment “accident”
Coffee-can stilts
Crab-walking
Death Divorce by chocolate
Diving into the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese and swimming away
Extra-large self-addressed stamped envelope
Five hundred balloons strapped to a lawn chair
Getting sucked into a huge intake pipe after falling into the chocolate river after being expressly forbidden to drink from the chocolate river
Going out for cigarettes, coming back with the guy who sold you your cigarettes, and a U-Haul
Hang glider with red, white, and blue smoke canisters
Hovercraft, accompanied by your new lover, a licensed hovercraft pilot
ICBM (Inter-condominium ballistic missile)
Leaping onto a moving carousel (only works for one rotation)
Luge
Pogo stick
Pumpkin carriage drawn by mice
Railroad handcar, accompanied your new lover, who sports enormous, handcar-hardened biceps
Rest-stop abandonment
Shot from a cannon
Shot by a cannon
Smoke and mirrors
Surrey with a fringe on top
Fringeless surrey
Sending in your exact double to sustain the relationship on your behalf
Shriner’s mini-car
Stairway to Heaven
Bridge to nowhere, which you burn once you get there
Producing and starring in an infomercial for the “Ten-Minute Relationship-Ending Miracle”
Stiffing them with the check
Stiffing them with a Czech
Up the side of a glass skyscraper, with suction cups
“Unfriending” right as you climax together
Yellow submarine
Yellow Subaru
Yugo at the top of a steep hill
On zebraback
Just stay and suffer in silence
japecake 
Reblogged this on Writing Haven and commented:
Haha hilarious
Brilliant – U-Haul had me a chuckling – Can i ask what a Backsie is?
Backsies were the main currency among children in my neighborhood growing up. It’s basically the withdrawal or taking back of a promise. Like a “get out of jail free” card for every occasion. Perfect for so many relationships.
Cheers!
Our main currency was gum until highschool… Then it was cigarettes. Maybe we should have just used backsies. š
We used Skittles, until we switched to Euros.
If I knew about the first 49, I wouldn’t have gone woith the last one.
Yeah, but sometimes the last one is so much easier. Climbing a skyscraper with suction cups takes tremendous upper-body strength. Also a good suction-cup dealer.
I am disturbed by the entries that were out of alphabetical order. Disturbed.
Sweetheart, we’re through.
51!
JC: ā’Unfriending’ right as you climax together”
Brrrr! Now that is some cold post-coital PHP, bro..
Also I never knew “backsies” existed in anything but the pejorative sense: “No Backsies– No Re-Dos!” . I dig your usage better, with the less intolerant undertones.
And, just so there’s no loose ends, I usually demand backsies on the climax, too.
Oh my. Do these work for men, too? š
Men, women, reptiles.
By the time I’d prepared and submitted my crossword puzzle to the New York Times, she had already left me, insisting she would no longer play seconds to my love of crosswords.
I guess she really F—-D you over [6 letters].
Best.Post.Ever o.O
Dude you rock!
Congrats on Freshly Pressed! š
Check mine too?
Cheers š
Thanks. Normally I put a lot of thought and effort into the selection of my mangoes, but maybe I’ll make an exception.
Lulz
I first read your ID as “creped,” and I thought, What a great name for a bistro.
Perhaps we could start a chain?
Only if we can name the crepes after forgotten 1980s TV stars, e.g., “I’ll have the Ann Jillian, and the lady will have a Jan-Michael Vincent.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epy384Gc9Ic love this song. oh, and your post too… š
Thanks. But it was always Tiny Tim’s cover that really spoke to me.
How about telling her you’re going to become a Catholic priest?
He’s the one who encouraged me to go to seminary.
who’s he? me?
The priest! LOL.
and what did you say?
I said, “Bless me, Father, for I’m about to sin!” LOL.
ha!
You must really hate your lover..
I invented the love/hate relationship, but like an idiot, didn’t patent it. Now Ron Popeil sells them on TV at 3 a.m. for three easy payments of $29.99 and lives like a king.
Haha.. “On Zebraback” cracked me up!
Well, if you find yourself breaking up while on safari, what else you gonna do?
I would go with the catapult. At least it would be fun will being flung through the air. Not so sure about the whole landing…
Funny list!
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Thank you. The netless landing is pretty much the coda to most of my relationships.
Hehehehe.
Sexist.
I once emailed an about-to-be ex a list of the five reasons we were done. He wrote back complaining I had misspelled his (bloody complicated) last name. Six, I said.
See? You should have dated Will Smith.
Is that sign on the plane really for real or did you just photoshop it?
Photoshop? I wish I’d thought of that. I hand-stitched each letter onto an 85-foot-long nylon banner.
You are so clever! That had to have taken a lot of time! http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
Took fifty relationships’ worth, baby. I’m exhausted.
Now all you need is for Paul Simon to set it to music.
I was hoping for someone more danceable. Maybe Nicky Minaj. Or Johann Strauss II.
With or without the Shriner fez? (52)
Depends on if you’re trying to pick up a Shriner next.
51st: Posting this piece on his/her Facebook wall with the comment “Pick one”
Congrats on being Freshly pressed!
I don’t use Facebook, but I love the multiple-choice idea. Maybe a Scantron sheet with fifty tiny circles.
āUnfriendingā right as you climax together <—Oh that hit a nerve!!! How about 'unfriending' then playing the victim?! š
Come to think of it, a “like” button would be the perfect sexual aid.
Yeah but you can only click ‘like’ once š Unless you ‘unlike’ and then ‘like’ again’, but doesn’t that mean you are starting over too? hmm
I’ve actually given some thought to this very subject:
japecake.wordpress.com/2011/07/08/id-like-you-to-hate-to-like-me/
This was pretty funny. I enjoyed the Fatal Attraction scenario, but the “Bridge to nowhere, which you burn once you get there” was cracking me up. Good post
Thank you. That one was inspired by a combination of Sarah Palin and the way I left most jobs I’ve ever had.
hahahahahah….short term memory loss shud do
I wish I could remember how I was going to reply.
Hilarious post. What about,
Step 1: eat the mayo after the expiration/freshness date;
Step 2: make the necessary trip to the ER;
Step 3: make your escape by fleeing the ER-out the back door, of course.
Mayo? This is strictly a Miracle Whip blog:
Congratulations on your Fresh Press! Your list cracked me up. I really liked the 500 ballons on a folding lawn chair. If only it was that easy.
Thank you. Use hydrogen instead of helium, and you can go full Hindenburg.
Excellent thought. But wouldn’t we need a stronger latex ballon?
As curious 12-year-olds, a bunch of us in the neighborhood discovered that you can basically stretch a condom over a watermelon and then still use it as a water balloon. So that’s one possibility.
hmmmm……one would have never thought of such a possibility. Except a group of curious 12 year olds.
Haha! Great post! š
Haha! Great post!
Thank you. This is also what one says to a particularly impressive structural column.
Haha! š
Loved it – very good š
Thank you. I can’t even think of a wise-assed retort to this comment.
Very funny stuff. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Thanks. I say the exact same thing to my shirts on laundry day. I am lonely and pathetic.
“Unfriendingā right as you climax together”? Hahahaha!
I say, if you have the coordination to pull it off, more power to you.
HAHAH, personal fav.. on zebra back. If your gunna go, go in jaw-dropping style. (I would have gone pogo stick but my hand-eye-coordination is just terrible!) lol š
Pogo stick is also tough if you live on the 53rd floor.
That was awsome!!! and I’ve done a couple of those things. Congrats on being Freshly pressed
Thank you, and keep at it. Only 48 more to go.
“stiffing them with a Czech” that’s clever, I’m still cracking up. Best. Post. Ever.
I don’t know. I just got an indignant phone call from the Czech ambassador saying that they want my head on a platter, but they’re going to let someone else pay for it.
Loved it – Congrats on being FP
Thanks. Congrats on keeping your account. I hope it’s everything you dreamed it would be.
HA HA Stiffing them with the check is a great one. when I was single that’d be my move. Oh those were the days.
Just be sure to order an appetizer and dessert with dinner.
Reblogged this on Catholic College Chronicles.
Clearly, I am reaching my target demographic with laser-like precision.
Ahaha, I suppose so, or I just happen to enjoy your writing a lot.
Thanks for the laugh ! Will try to apply some. hehehe
Start with the zebra. It never fails to impress.
Reblogged this on My Hideout.
nice one!! liked “Cake in the shape of a broken heart with strawberry blood, inscribed āItās overā in black frosting” most. š
I should’ve guessed that someone with a marijuana-leaf avatar would go right for the snacks.
you should have introduce more ideas with food. š
Try this:
Or this:
popcorn with Kama sutra!! nice!! though I would like to perform rather watch…:P
How about just shooting her – there again there is the old saying to note is there not – “we can’t live with them and we’re not legally allowed to kill them”
Of course there again there’s always the Vet to consider – they’re allowed to put them down aren’t they?
Nah–the possibility of a haunting is just too much of a hassle.
Not if you exOrcise everyday.
“Unfriending right as you climax together.” bahahahahaha too good.
Ending the relationship with a bang, so to speak.
Together?????
Hahaha . Great one
Having trouble picking my favorites. But if I had a Batpole . . .
Seriously loved this!!
if I had a Batpole
I think this was also the title of a folk song that was briefly popular in the 1960s.
I’ll go for arbitration…non-binding!!! Just in case…
It’s true, you never know. Better keep your railroad handcar running.
Perfect post for where I am right now, thanks for all of the ideas!
Perfect post for where I am right now
Hopefully, not under the watchful eye of your miserable, sociopathic mate.
or a Catholic resident in the Vatican
Oh, this tickled me to pieces. I liked “fringeless surrey” immediately after “surrey with a fringe on top.” Congrats on the FP!
Thank you. And, re: your first sentence: Krazy Glue. It works.
Reblogged this on Pretty Ramblings and commented:
This blogger is realy funny. Hahaha although I know it’s meant for comedy, can you imagine what it would feel like to be broken uo with like this?
W.W.P.S.S.? (What would Paul Simon say?)
I hate acronyms. Maybe that’d be a good way to break up with me…
WTF? LOL.
The first two. Awesomeness.
Damn it! Why didn’t I do the Luge?!
Well, winter’s coming, so you get a second chance.
Lol! Thanks for the laughs. š
Just slip out the back Jack…
Made me smile; then I realized that I’m always the one being left behind (athough not this creatively). Gives me a headstart for the next time.
Yes. Get suspicious if you suddenly see a hovercraft parked at the curb.
Reblogged this on DeLeDesserts and commented:
Auvoir, Mon Cheri..bisou bisou!
My ex wrote on his blog that he was cheating on me (stupidly forgot that he had shown me his blog because he thought he was a writer), me being a half-way decent some-what supportive gf-type subscribed to his blog (also because he asked me to).
8 months later… blog post about some chick, I moved all of his things into the carport and commented on his blog post “your things are out the front, you might want to hire a car/truck on the way home to pick them up. Please leave my keys in the letterbox. Regards your ex”
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA – Marvelous!!!
……..and your dinner’s in the dog although by the time you read this it will probably be somewhere in the park, I forgot to take the pooper scooper with me………..
Yup that’s pretty much how it went. He tried to tell me it was fantasy he had written for his readers (all 2 subscribers). When I didn’t buy that he chucked a tanty like a teenager and said that blogs are like diaries and how dare I invade his privacy… umm ok, completely don’t get that insanity.
Then the idiot asked if he could live there like a housemate because he couldn’t afford to move out, umm NO. The final hilarity was when he tried to use my car to do the move. I told him to get out of the car or I would call the cops. Yes he was a bad choice on my part, don’t know what insanity I was suffering… I got better haha. We all have at least one don’t we hahaha.
Well I put it all down to EMF, a lack of intelligence and solidarity among general practitioner Medical Doctors, environmentalists who know f–k all (“save the bisons daddy, do” – eat them I say), and the air quality – there is no doubt in my mind what so ever that any male born on or after 1960 arrived with a mangina and the oestrogen based words “I deserve better than this” imprinted on his limited brain – I blame it all on the mothers, they either made them closet homosexuals or knitted cardigans they can keep in their closets.
But then I suppose I’m an old fart!!
Stick to your guns Lady – onwards and upwards.
Reblogged this on bridgesburning and commented:
Hilarious unless..nah still hilarious..it’s a good nifty fifty
What wondrous times we live in. In a few years there will be fifty new ways that no one has even dreamed of yet.
What a mind boggling concept:
– send your partner on an intergalactic journey; beam his or her genitals to another planet whilst they’re asleep and don’t tell them which planet when they wake up
You could add this one… One way ticket to somewhere (away from you).
I’m always wary of the airport… my guy left one of his x-wives at an airport. He got off the plane, said he had to go to the bathroom, and got back on another plane, leaving her at their destination. True story.
I hope she drowned her sorrows in a $13 martini at the airport bar.
That was one the reasons he left her… too many “drownings”… also probably why she didn’t realize he was gone until he was already back at their starting point.
YES! HAHAHA!
thanks for the laugh!
Reblogged this on Jacqueline SchƤfers.
My funniest was ‘stay and suffer in silence’. Congrats on being freshly pressed.
Thank you. Though I should warn you that staying and suffering in silence may actually be enforced if your mate is a librarian. No bending of the rules, even for the person you’re sleeping with.
How many of these methods you got under your belt my friend? Radical suggestions. Love em all!
Thank you. Let’s just say that fifty is only the tip of the iceberg. (No. 51: Have yourself cryogenically frozen with directions to be thawed out once marriage to robots becomes legal.)
So awesome, hilarious. Will definitely keep an eye out for 50 more.
Thank you. Depending on how lucky I get this weekend, I should be able to field test another dozen or so by Sunday night.
Brilliant!
Reblogged this on AYUSHMAN PERSHAD and commented:
SO START BREAKING UP PEOPLE . HAHA.