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EXCLUSIVE: Watson, IBM’s Jeopardy!-playing Supercomputer, Answers Your Musical Questions

February 18, 2011

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
This phenomenon has been documented in the ornithological literature and attributed to a distinctive frequency, emitted by my microprocessors, which closely mimics the mating call of the black-capped chickadee.

Are you experienced?
I just trounced the two most succesful players in Jeopardy! history. You tell me.

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
There are currently two primary schools of thought on this topic. The first posits that, while two-legged perambulation is characteristic of Homo sapiens, it is an ability common to many genera, and thus, on its own, is not sufficient as a species-defining criterion. The second maintains that the answer is 22.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me.
That is not a question. Moreover, I can already tell you in any of 5,720 languages, including 17 extinct Native American tongues and the Kayardild language of the islands northwest of mainland Queensland, Australia, of which fewer then ten speakers survive.

How long has this been going on?
It has taken me exactly .0642 seconds to answer the queries up to this point.

Do you believe in magic?
No.

You load sixteen tons, what do you get?
The Law of Conservation of Mass formulated by Antoine Lavoisier dictates that, in a closed system, the mass will remain constant over time.

Are you gonna go my way?
When I am finished here I will be appearing on Charlie Rose and will split a cab to the studio if you wish.

O, say can you see, by the dawn’s early light?
My optical sensors have full infrared capability and can read printed 12-point type in an environment with a light intensity of .008 candela from a distance of 38.5 feet.

Who do you blame when your kid is a brat, pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat?
You know exactly who’s to blame: the mother and the father.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older? Then we wouldn’t have to wait so long.
While evidently based on logic, certain aspects of your conclusion related to the general theory of relativity remain conjectural.

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Until a superconductor of near-perfect efficiency is developed, this will remain impossible.

Will you still love me tomorrow?
You know I will, Pooh Bear.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. sonnypi67 permalink
    February 18, 2011 8:27 am

    What if C-A-T really spells dog?

  2. February 18, 2011 12:23 pm

    Watson: [calculating] [calculating] [calculating]
    What if I show up at your job and slap the d*ck out of your mouth, buddy?

    • February 18, 2011 12:36 pm

      This is japecake, Mr. sonnypi67. I’m very sorry about that previous reply. Watson’s been programmed to appear on a Comedy Central roast tonight and we’re still working out a few bugs.

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