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My Action Movie Day

March 24, 2011

Rappel into the shower

Use a sideways “gangsta” grip on the gas pump

Point frantically at the menu board, silently mouth “It’s him!,” and keep the Dunkin’ Donuts window guy talking so that my associates can trace his coordinates

Grab mailman by the throat, slam him up against the wall, shove a gun in his mouth, and tell him I’m gonna ask him one last time where Rico is

When they call my number at the deli, tell them to take me, but leave the girl alone

Take a hard corner and fishtail the shopping cart as I narrowly miss the Hamburger Helper endcap

Wipe perspiration from forehead with the back of my hand, hold my breath, and grimace as I carefully cut the red barb from the shirt I got at Goodwill

Leap forward in slow motion, backlit by a roiling fireball, as my burrito explodes in the microwave

Jump off the treadmill while it’s still on, tumble across the floor, stand up, and dust myself off

Pull off this one last blog post, and then I’m out for good

11 Comments leave one →
  1. March 24, 2011 2:07 am

    I now have an angry question to ask of people at work. With gun in hand. “WHERE’S RICO?”

    • March 24, 2011 10:40 am

      Feel free to change ethnicity as needed, e.g., “Where’s Heikkilä-Laakso?” or “Where’s Шекуларац?”

  2. March 24, 2011 9:23 am

    You’ll never be out for good. Just when you think you’re out, they’ll pull back in. Rico lives!

  3. March 25, 2011 8:45 pm

    You know, once you cut that barb you’re at the point of no return.

    • March 25, 2011 8:56 pm

      Don’t I know it. Good thing I had my zip-line to make a quick exit.

  4. March 26, 2011 4:22 am

    I really enjoy your humor japecake. I was able to, vividly, imagine every scenario and I was busting a gut at each one. I especially love the postman one just because I can totally see his face (a man in my imagination) scared to death and the attacker deadly serious and none of making any sense. so funny. I’m glad I subscribed.

  5. March 27, 2011 2:24 pm

    Well, you are certainly active….

    • March 27, 2011 3:16 pm

      In fact, I’m typing this as I hang upside-down from a skylight at the Louvre, about to abscond with Whistler’s Mother.

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