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Classic T-Shirt Slogans: The Editing Process

March 29, 2011

Before: “Let me emphasize that, while no judgmentalism should be inferred, I am accompanying the person at whom the arrow below is pointing, and his I.Q. is in, shall we say, a lower percentile.”
After: I’m with Stupid

Before: “What at a cursory glance appears to be an abbreviation for an investigative governmental agency actually indicates that I am a libidinous heterosexual male.”
After: F.B.I.: Female Body Inspector

Before: “I see that you’re driving a truck. Please continue on your way.”
After: Keep on Truckin’

Before: “The unusual breadth and depth of my well-being is such that fecal incontinence is the presumptive outcome.”
After: I’m so happy, I could just shit

Before: “I would appreciate an outward show of affection. Incidentally, I am of Celtic descent.”
After: Kiss me, I’m Irish

Before: “Mother and Father recently visited Niagara Falls. While I don’t wish to appear ungrateful, I was mildly disappointed to receive this sole item of inexpensive novelty clothing as a souvenir, as they are quite wealthy, and I was hoping for something a bit more substantial.”
After: My parents went on vacation, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt

Before: “My monthly bloating, hormonal imbalances, and mood swings have inured me to the travails of interpersonal relationships with the opposite sex.”
After: P.M.S.: Putting up with Men’s Shit

Before: “I have deeply fond feelings for the Empire State, and for its most populous city in particular. I only wish there were some simple way to express this sentiment graphically.”
After: I ♥ NY

Before: “As my blood alcohol content now exceeds the legal limit, I would like you to safely see me to my apartment. However, in attempting to making this request in a compound sentence in my inebriated state, I have comically exchanged the adverb of the first clause with the adjective of the second.”
After: Take me drunk, I’m home

Before: “I believe, Madam, that you’ll find it a most enjoyable, neatly maintained conveyance, and quite inexpensive.”
After: Moustache Rides 5¢

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. March 29, 2011 11:21 am

    great job! they remind of when a foreign person knows there’s such a saying but can’t quite remember how the saying goes so they explain it to death and then it’s just not funny….except that their trying and then failure to produce the correct saying is, in fact, pretty funny. i actually do this a lot (I’m a foreigner) and don’t mind being the group monkey from time to time. I’m the one who gets to laugh when anyone tries their hand at English, which is fairly often.

    • March 29, 2011 1:03 pm

      Your comment made me think of Japlish, which is one of the main reasons I’d like to visit Japan someday.

      • March 29, 2011 3:22 pm

        hahahahahahahahah! thank you! those were fantastic! “you had better use this soap” and the huge flying land squid were my favorite!!!

  2. March 29, 2011 12:51 pm

    Before: Flatulence has torn this shirt asunder; leaving a myriad of holes that are scathingly symbolic of the aftermath of aforementioned gaseous condition.

    After: Who farted?

  3. March 29, 2011 9:21 pm

    I am going to order a retro McGovern in 72 Tee. I already have Beatles Yellow Submarine on and a Jimi Hendrix.

  4. Danny permalink
    April 10, 2011 10:30 pm

    When will the pictured JAPE / CAKE
    t-shirt be available?

    We want merch!

    • April 10, 2011 10:38 pm

      Whoa, whoa, pal, one thing at a time. We’re still waiting for the Japethongs to come back from the silkscreening place.

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