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You Asked and Told: Japecake Readers Take a Shine to Private Sparkle

April 1, 2011

Is he or isn’t he? Only his boyfriend knows for sure. But no matter what secrets he might keep hidden away in a safe place, like his footlocker, or, I don’t know, a closet, Private Sparkle got pretty choked up from the recent outpouring of WordPress love. Honestly, he hasn’t teared up so much since the part where Dorothy tells the Scarecrow she’ll miss him most of all in The Wizard of Oz. Nonetheless … Sparkle is ready for action, his duffel and Gucci bags are packed, and it’s time for his next deployment—to the winner of the “Adopt Private Sparkle” contest. Whoever you are, he hopes you have plenty of satin sheets.

With so many well-thought-out entries, selection was difficult. MusicofShadows, for example, clearly appealed to Sparkle’s sense of duty:

He will join the war against the spiders that visit my desk. I’ve enlisted Ninja-Lego-Man and Crazy-Guy-Drawn-On-An-Eraser, but he will help win the battle with his sparkley-ness.

And, while bloggingawaymortgages offer was particularly tempting:

I would take private Sparkle travelling around Europe and send you photographs of him enjoying the trip 

Sparkle has been on the no-fly list ever since a row with the TSA over the quantity of hair products in his carry-on.

He genuninely appreciated the warmth and sincerity of steel-angels entry:

Private Sparkle would get in my home – a right to his own facebook page – where he would be encouraged to make friends that would see HIM through the sparkle.

Unfortunately, the unique properties of 3M Super 77 Spray Adhesive make it very unlikely that anyone will ever see him through the sparkle, ever again.

The Good Greatsby demonstrated an innovative and socially conscious approach to parenting:

Private Sparkle will be added to the gay-themed toys I bought my son to help him overcome his attraction to girls.

But when Sparkle came across the phrase “gay-themed,” he just shrugged and said, “What’s he talking about?”

As an unusually ardent fan of Rimbaud and Whitman, Sparkle was particularly taken with an original ode by Hayes Wimbledon:

In private you sparkle,
In public you shine.

You knew you were sneaking into the Army,
But did you know you’re running covert ops in my heart?

It’s just that Sparkle had his heart broken by a top-ranked tennis player some years back. At Wimbledon. He just couldn’t stand to be reminded of it every day.

Other excellent entries arrived via Lenore Diane, krs, secretsthatshouldntbe (sorry—Sparkle is allergic to unicorn dander), Renee Davies, and eid2323. In life, however, as in rock, paper, scissors, one thing ultimately trumps all. And in this case, that one thing is juvenile incontinence:

My son almost peed his pants when Private Sparkle down-loaded onto my 37″ computer screen. In Hi-Def. Throw a seven-year-old some sparkle love!

C’mon. You have to agree that few things could ever be as precious as the look on a seven-year-old’s face when Private Sparkle arrives in the mail. So: Win! Just remember, Olivia K: mop not included, and don’t blame me if your son develops a precocious interest in guns and Lady Gaga.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. April 1, 2011 3:55 am

    good choice. children-they have the perfect existence. everyone wants to make a child smile :o)

    • April 1, 2011 5:56 am

      Waddya mean, Italians believe in ridiculous things? Never eat apples on Friday. Always pick up bread with your left hand. Beat the children with the big wooden salad spoon everyday. In order to make it rain, leave your umbrella home. These things have made Italy great.

  2. April 1, 2011 5:49 am

    So and so Drawn on the Eraser Man. I thought I was the only one….I invented cut out and paste things on your shoe man.

  3. April 1, 2011 7:22 am

    Congrats, Olivia K. Take care of Private Sparkle. You should probably go out and buy more pants to add to your son’s wardrobe. He may be going through several pairs a day.

  4. April 1, 2011 5:11 pm

    I can’t believe it! I will have to buy a sparkly plastic egg and make Private Sparkle the highlight of his easter basket. Who needs chocolate and dollar bills when you’ve got Private Sparkle. Thanks for warming the heart (and pants) of a very cool kid.

    • April 1, 2011 6:20 pm

      Congrats! I’ll send you an e-mail and we can work out details. Sparkle asked me to pass on the information that he is a particular fan of pink marshmallow Peeps.

      • April 2, 2011 12:22 am

        Ironically, I just bought peeps today. They were for a friend, but she’ll never know if I save them for the Sparkle.

  5. April 1, 2011 11:43 pm

    Congratulations, Olivia K! Let me be the first to tell you I wish it had been me instead of you.

  6. April 3, 2011 7:00 pm

    Dirty tactics, using a seven year old. Congrats!

  7. krs permalink
    April 3, 2011 9:37 pm

    congrats olivia k. (if that is your real name) i hope your “7 year old” enjoys it.

    • April 4, 2011 12:08 am

      It’s even worse than you imagine. I found “her” Facebook page. Turns out she’s an ex-NFL linebacker.

  8. krs permalink
    April 4, 2011 2:22 am

    jesus japecake. you’ve been swindled. and by the oldest trick in the book. pretend to have a 7 year old to acquire a toy army man that’s covered in pink glitter. i’ve seen it a million times.

  9. April 5, 2011 3:01 pm

    C’mon give me a little credit. If I were making it up then I would have told you he was 3, in a wheel chair, and dying of cancer.

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