You Asked and Told: Japecake Readers Take a Shine to Private Sparkle

Is he or isn’t he? Only his boyfriend knows for sure. But no matter what secrets he might keep hidden away in a safe place, like his footlocker, or, I don’t know, a closet, Private Sparkle got pretty choked up from the recent outpouring of WordPress love. Honestly, he hasn’t teared up so much since the part where Dorothy tells the Scarecrow she’ll miss him most of all in The Wizard of Oz. Nonetheless … Sparkle is ready for action, his duffel and Gucci bags are packed, and it’s time for his next deployment—to the winner of the “Adopt Private Sparkle” contest. Whoever you are, he hopes you have plenty of satin sheets.

With so many well-thought-out entries, selection was difficult. MusicofShadows, for example, clearly appealed to Sparkle’s sense of duty:

He will join the war against the spiders that visit my desk. I’ve enlisted Ninja-Lego-Man and Crazy-Guy-Drawn-On-An-Eraser, but he will help win the battle with his sparkley-ness.

And, while bloggingawaymortgage’s offer was particularly tempting:

I would take private Sparkle travelling around Europe and send you photographs of him enjoying the trip 

Sparkle has been on the no-fly list ever since a row with the TSA over the quantity of hair products in his carry-on.

He genuninely appreciated the warmth and sincerity of steel-angel’s entry:

Private Sparkle would get in my home – a right to his own facebook page – where he would be encouraged to make friends that would see HIM through the sparkle.

Unfortunately, the unique properties of 3M Super 77 Spray Adhesive make it very unlikely that anyone will ever see him through the sparkle, ever again.

The Good Greatsby demonstrated an innovative and socially conscious approach to parenting:

Private Sparkle will be added to the gay-themed toys I bought my son to help him overcome his attraction to girls.

But when Sparkle came across the phrase “gay-themed,” he just shrugged and said, “What’s he talking about?”

As an unusually ardent fan of Rimbaud and Whitman, Sparkle was particularly taken with an original ode by Hayes Wimbledon:

In private you sparkle,
In public you shine.

You knew you were sneaking into the Army,
But did you know you’re running covert ops in my heart?

It’s just that Sparkle had his heart broken by a top-ranked tennis player some years back. At Wimbledon. He just couldn’t stand to be reminded of it every day.

Other excellent entries arrived via Lenore Diane, krs, secretsthatshouldntbe (sorry—Sparkle is allergic to unicorn dander), Renee Davies, and eid2323. In life, however, as in rock, paper, scissors, one thing ultimately trumps all. And in this case, that one thing is juvenile incontinence:

My son almost peed his pants when Private Sparkle down-loaded onto my 37″ computer screen. In Hi-Def. Throw a seven-year-old some sparkle love!

C’mon. You have to agree that few things could ever be as precious as the look on a seven-year-old’s face when Private Sparkle arrives in the mail. So: Win! Just remember, Olivia K: mop not included, and don’t blame me if your son develops a precocious interest in guns and Lady Gaga.