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Tween Girls Rule: The First Thousand Days

April 8, 2011

INAUGURATION DAY. In her inaugural address, twelve-year-old President Kaitlyn rouses her youngest supporters with a promise of “double-fudge brownies in every Easy-Bake Oven and a Barbie Dream Car in every garage.” Festivities commence with inaugural gala at Chuck E. Cheese, end with 3:48 a.m. prank call to Hugo Chavez during sleepover at Camp David.

DAY 2. Period furniture and historic paintings in Oval Office replaced with beanbags, Justin Bieber posters, adhesive glow-in-the-dark stars.

DAY 38. New spirit in America is reflected in news coverage. Shakeup of hierarchy in White House press room grants front-row seats to Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, Tiger Beat. Moribund This Week with George Stephanopoulos ratings skyrocket when George Will engages Miley Cyrus in lively debate re: Team Edward vs. Team Jacob.

DAY 94. Ground-breaking ceremony to turn the National Mall into an actual mall. Hirshhorn Museum and Freer Gallery bulldozed to make way for Smithsonian GAP and Smithsonian Cinnabon.

DAY 177. Manuscript of Declaration of Independence undergoes extensive restoration after president dreamily scribbles “Kaitlyn Jefferson” over and over in the margins with a scented marker.

DAY 236. Stirring “Give us your tired, your poor” poem on the base of the Statue of Liberty replaced with lyrics for “We’re All in This Together” from High School Musical.

DAY 368. Medical crisis: Vice-President Stephanie rushed to Walter Reed Orthodontic Clinic when elastics fail on her new braces.

DAY 494. Work commences on eight-year, $475 billion project to reconfigure Wyoming’s border into heart shape.

DAY 522. Lincoln Memorial redressed in skinny jeans.

DAY 581. Amid bra-stuffing allegations, House Speaker Jill responds “as if” to calls for resignation.

DAY 609. Signing of historic weapons-ban treaty takes longer than expected when president dots every “i” with a smiley face.

DAY 786. Senate votes 91–7 that Texas makes America look fat; so-called “best friend” Oklahoma abstains. Texas traded back to Mexico for multicolored assortment of jelly bracelets.

DAY 999. Tendering her resignation upon learning that her father has been transferred to Wichita, tearful president signs her entire cabinet’s briefing books, adding “2 Cute + 2 B = 4 Gotten.” After departing for Reagan National Airport in Air Force Two, former president asks pilot if they can land for frozen yogurt on the way.

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. April 8, 2011 6:43 am

    Day 701. Character assassination attempt. President Kaitlyn survives rumor from Minority Leader Ashli (with an “i”) that the President “was totally still listening to the Jonas Brothers, even though no one really liked them anymore and everyone was all like into Justin Bieber, duh.”

  2. April 8, 2011 9:19 am

    “Signing of historic weapons-ban treaty takes longer than expected when president dots every “i” with a smiley face.”

    I would really like to live in this world.

    • April 8, 2011 1:03 pm

      Breaking news: A Mideast peace accord has been reached over a game of Spin the Bottle.

      • April 8, 2011 8:35 pm

        Housing crisis solved with a marathon session of M.A.S.H.

      • April 9, 2011 3:17 pm

        I would’ve guessed something like The Facts of Life or Gilmore Girls, but that just goes to show how little I know about tweens.

  3. April 8, 2011 11:21 pm

    Peace Accord Reached as President Announces “War Was Like So Last Week”

  4. April 9, 2011 3:29 pm

    In this case M.A.S.H. = Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House not Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.
    I don’t even know if tweens play this anymore. If they do, it’s probably on their iPhones and not on paper.

    • April 10, 2011 9:51 pm

      Geez. The more you know! I am out of touch. I hate most “devices” and refuse to even own a cell phone, if that tells you anything. Heck, I’d do this blog on an old Smith-Corona, if I could figure out how to connect the damn thing to the internet. I was definitely born 100 years too late … oh, sorry, gotta go, I think I hear the man with the ice delivery at my front door.

  5. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    April 10, 2011 9:08 pm

    She’s renewing my “Audacity of Hope”. Day 581 was particularly amusing…that’s a SERIOUS allegation!!! Thanks for the laughs!
    (Oh, and THANKS! Now I can’t stop thinking about Cinnabon! The only thing that keeps me from eating…the top shelf, is that strategical placed GAP and a morbid fear of jeanus shrinkus, a syndrome that always follows these gustatory outbursts.)

    • April 10, 2011 9:55 pm

      Day 581 is no laughing matter … Cottonellegate nearly ruined this country. And I find it outrageous that these so-called trailblazers would deface our National Mall in such a way, yet fail to make provisions for an Orange Julius stand.

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