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Oversharing: A Problem For Our Time

April 14, 2011

John Fennelly of Los Angeles gave his last dime to a panhandler. The panhandler, who suffered from acute far-sightedness and had only asked for a lozenge, choked on the dime. Fennelly was later run over by a Ricola truck.

Clark Winslow of Dubuque, Iowa gave the shirt off his back to a complete stranger. That stranger? Osama bin Laden.

A. J. Dinsmore gave two pints of blood at a Red Cross donation center in Chevy Chase, Maryland. The blood was not his own.

Simian researcher Gwen Sprague noticed that one of her subjects, a chimpanzee named Hank, repeatedly offered her his toys by gently placing them on the floor outside the bars of his cage. After obtaining a grant to further investigate this intriguing altruistic behavior, Sprague learned that Hank just liked to look down her shirt as she bent over to pick things up.

On March 29, 2011, Tyler Dodd of Findlay, Ohio celebrated his eighth birthday by bringing cupcakes for his entire class. And the home-schooled little bastard ate them all.

Beverly Winchell of Rockland, Maine offered a co-worker half of her lobster roll at lunchtime. Winchell was later pulled aside by the HR representative and told that this had been inappropriate, per the complaint of her co-worker, a lobster.

On Christmas Eve 2008, Della Dillingham Young of Manhattan purchased a gift for her husband, a stunning platinum watch chain, with funds she obtained from selling her luxuriant hair to a local wigmaker. Unbeknownst to her, however, her husband, Jim, had just pawned his watch in order to fund breast implants for his mistress, Nikki, and had completely forgotten to buy his wife anything, even some drugstore perfume. The couple filed for divorce early in the new year. Della exchanged the watch chain for a plasma TV, and kept the bob, as it framed her face better.

While riding the subway in Washington D.C., Mark Lee Talbot offered another passenger part of his seat, the backrest, which he removed with a reciprocating saw.

Mrs. Garrett Sloan of East Brunswick, New Jersey shared her hymnal with a visitor during 9:00 a.m. mass at St. Bartholomew’s Church. That visitor? Osama bin Laden.

Grant Palmer live-tweeted his colonoscopy from the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. Within a week, his ass was on the lips of followers all around the world.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. mikehoods permalink
    April 14, 2011 3:37 am

    Grant Palmer’s ass? Insert joke here.

  2. sonnypi67 permalink
    April 14, 2011 9:06 am

    Last one is definitely my fav. Ass to lips, baby!

    • April 14, 2011 10:58 am

      My parting shot to a number of former employers went something like that.

  3. April 14, 2011 9:23 am

    You humor me. Thank you.

    • April 14, 2011 11:00 am

      Thanks. But I thought I completed you, so obviously my work isn’t done yet.

  4. April 14, 2011 10:25 am

    Oh these are awesome! The blood donation one particularly cracked me up.

    • April 14, 2011 11:02 am

      Thanks. He’d have gotten away with it, too, if he hadn’t demanded two portions of juice and cookies afterward.

  5. April 14, 2011 3:23 pm

    Love the O Henry reference!

    • April 15, 2011 2:53 am

      Ha, thanks! I thought this might fly under the radar. You win one dollar and eighty-seven cents (sixty cents of it in pennies).

  6. April 14, 2011 9:56 pm

    I heard that the shirt really made Osama’s eyes pop.

    • April 15, 2011 2:55 am

      His problem is that he’s a summer, but he insists on wearing fall hues. Also his temper.

  7. April 14, 2011 10:04 pm

    This is one of my favorites, Japey! Well done, sir.

    • April 15, 2011 3:05 am

      Thanks for oversharing. So, we’re on for the blood bank next week again, right?

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