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The Mayan Datebook for 2012 (Excerpts)

April 27, 2011

January 3: Pyramid cleaning; take old idols to Goodwill.

February 17: Buy new stucco wall reliefs for bathroom (either flowers or shackled prisoners of war—no stripes!).

March 9: Chuckie’s birthday party, 3 p.m. (Don’t forget to book clown!); Chuckie’s sacrifice, 4:30 p.m. (Don’t forget to book High Priest!)

April 10: Worship ancestors with the Richardsons, 8:00 p.m.; get maize-and-armadillo casserole recipe from Kate.

May 13: Mother’s Day (Candy? Jewelry? Jaguar mask?)

June 20: Summer solstice; ritual exorcism of golf clubs. (Ha ha! But, seriously—work on slice.)

July 15: Astrology Club Picnic, 11:30 a.m.; check bird entrails for forecast (bring pelt just in case).

August 16: Prune Tree of Life; trim Hedge of Life; fertilize Lawn of Life (reseed yellow spots from dog— “domesticated,” my ass!); borrow sprinkler and slaves from Steve.

September 22: Conquistador mixer, 8 p.m.; brush up on ritual crop dance and cha-cha.

October 3: Send thank-you notes to harvest deities (spell-check heiroglyphs this time!); invite them to play cards next Saturday.

November 30: Oxen tune-up; have guy check rattle on passenger side.

December 21: Completion of Thirteenth Baktun of Long Count Calendar; epochal shift in human consciousness; pick up dry cleaning.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. April 27, 2011 3:57 am

    Love it 🙂 and when choosing the person who’ll be the skin sack for the ritual dance, make sure to look for a big girl. Last year there was chafing.

    • April 27, 2011 4:57 pm

      I know, I know … I’m so ready for the Mayan waif look to be over. You know what they say: More cushion for the pushin’ into the volcano.

  2. April 27, 2011 5:18 am

    Pick up new heating element for corn bread oven and let those pesky Aztecs know we will not tolerate their continued kidnapping and eating of our people.

    • April 27, 2011 4:54 pm

      Don’t even get me started about those Incan kids who are always cutting through my backyard.

  3. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    May 4, 2011 5:01 pm

    Jaguar mask…until the cougar mask becomes more appropriate!

    • May 5, 2011 6:45 pm

      It’s a well-known fact that the Mayans invented leopard-print stretch pants.

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