The Mayan Datebook for 2012 (Excerpts)
January 3: Pyramid cleaning; take old idols to Goodwill.
February 17: Buy new stucco wall reliefs for bathroom (either flowers or shackled prisoners of war—no stripes!).
March 9: Chuckie’s birthday party, 3 p.m. (Don’t forget to book clown!); Chuckie’s sacrifice, 4:30 p.m. (Don’t forget to book High Priest!)
April 10: Worship ancestors with the Richardsons, 8:00 p.m.; get maize-and-armadillo casserole recipe from Kate.
May 13: Mother’s Day (Candy? Jewelry? Jaguar mask?)
June 20: Summer solstice; ritual exorcism of golf clubs. (Ha ha! But, seriously—work on slice.)
July 15: Astrology Club Picnic, 11:30 a.m.; check bird entrails for forecast (bring pelt just in case).
August 16: Prune Tree of Life; trim Hedge of Life; fertilize Lawn of Life (reseed yellow spots from dog— “domesticated,” my ass!); borrow sprinkler and slaves from Steve.
September 22: Conquistador mixer, 8 p.m.; brush up on ritual crop dance and cha-cha.
October 3: Send thank-you notes to harvest deities (spell-check heiroglyphs this time!); invite them to play cards next Saturday.
November 30: Oxen tune-up; have guy check rattle on passenger side.
December 21: Completion of Thirteenth Baktun of Long Count Calendar; epochal shift in human consciousness; pick up dry cleaning.
japecake 
Love it 🙂 and when choosing the person who’ll be the skin sack for the ritual dance, make sure to look for a big girl. Last year there was chafing.
I know, I know … I’m so ready for the Mayan waif look to be over. You know what they say: More cushion for the pushin’ into the volcano.
Pick up new heating element for corn bread oven and let those pesky Aztecs know we will not tolerate their continued kidnapping and eating of our people.
Don’t even get me started about those Incan kids who are always cutting through my backyard.
Jaguar mask…until the cougar mask becomes more appropriate!
It’s a well-known fact that the Mayans invented leopard-print stretch pants.