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Rock, Paper, Scissors: Alternate Scoring Schemes

May 10, 2011

Paper serves rock E. coli–tainted potato salad left out in the sun at the Annual Rock, Paper, Scissors Picnic

Scissors approach rock, ask, “Are you rock? Didn’t you go to Dartmouth?,” rock says yes, scissors serve rock with subpoena

Rock yanks down paper’s sweatpants from behind

Paper bores scissors and rock to death by droning on endlessly about his kid’s superiority at hockey

Scissors slowly rust and then give both rock and paper tetanus

Rock secretly gets down on all fours behind paper, scissors topples paper backward over rock, scissors and rock exchange high fives

Paper tricks rock into not rolling for a moment, moss begins to gather until rock is immobilized, paper releases fire ants

Scissors cut paper some slack

Rock pouts in corner with arms crossed, scissors ask, “What’s wrong?,” rock says, “Nothing,” scissors ask, “C’mon, what is it?” rock snaps back, “NOTHING! I’M FINE!,” scissors shrug and walk away

Paper and scissors sit down with rock and tell him gently that he’s actually a chunk of broken concrete, but he was special because they chose him, and they love him all the same

Rock crushes scissors, acts like hot shit till scissors’ pals, pinking shears and hedge clippers, show up with baseball bats

Scissors cut paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes scissors, and suddenly they’re all forty and realize they haven’t done a damn thing with their lives

10 Comments leave one →
  1. May 10, 2011 2:56 am

    I’m not sure these rules are going to catch on. I already have a difficult enough time remembering the rules to the traditional version.

    • May 10, 2011 8:40 pm

      I take it this was the one episode of “School House Rock” you never managed to watch.

  2. May 10, 2011 5:17 am

    So this is how the congress works. Thank you for explaining it. It makes sense that it would make no sense.

    • May 10, 2011 8:42 pm

      Bipartisan de-pantsing is worse than it’s ever been. Believe me, you can see both London and France in the House of Representatives these days.

  3. May 10, 2011 9:26 am

    “Paper tricks rock into not rolling for a moment, moss begins to gather until rock is immobilized, paper releases fire ants”
    I like how Paper thinks.

    With these rules people will think twice before resorting to rock-paper-scissors to decide mundane things like who’s gonna tell mom that the dog puked on the rug again.

  4. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    May 10, 2011 5:12 pm

    …I’ve seen paper’s kid play…not so much!

  5. May 10, 2011 8:46 pm

    He’s a mean son of a bitch, too … all that blood you see on the ice is from paper cuts.

  6. May 10, 2011 10:46 pm

    Hahaha..the ending is perfect.

    • May 11, 2011 12:50 pm

      Thanks, but I hate it when rock, paper, and scissors get all pensive on me. We were supposed to go to the beach today, but now they don’t “feel like it.”

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