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“Rapture” Saturday: A Diary

May 22, 2011

Got up. Started to make egg white omelette. Thought, What the hell, so threw the yolks in, too. Used real butter. Also spread it on grapefruit.

Stopped wearing a condom. Realized it has been ridiculously expensive and uncomfortable all these years to have put on a condom and worn it all day long.

Made $280 selling bags of oranges and RaptShirts™ near the off-ramp.

Decided to splurge, upgraded my Netflix subscription to the five-at-a-time option.

Went to Wal-Mart wearing only “The End Is Near” novelty briefs. Depressed to find several other customers dressed same way. Even more depressed when I mentioned impending rapture, and they responded, “What in the world are you talking about?”

KFC for lunch. Invented new sandwich by using two entire Double Downs as “bun” for a third Double Down.

Checked out the Left Behind books from the library and found some good pro tips. (Stay off airplanes today!) Promised to pay my $68 in overdue fines on Monday. Suckers!

Dropped off dry cleaning at One-Hour Martinizing. Cursed self for losing coupon.

Bought 875 helium balloons from Dollar General as “insurance.” Unhappy to find that all that was available was “Get Well Soon!” and “Sweet Sixteen!” Wondered if those one-dollar pregnancy test kits are any good. Couldn’t read language on box.

Cut hole in living room ceiling to facilitate exit. Noticed dry rot in roof beams. Left voicemail for landlord.

Pizza delivery for dinner. Cursed self for losing coupon, but tipped driver $1,500.

Started to watch The Godfather, made it up to the horse-head-in-the-bed scene, then put in Porky’s, made it up to the part where the guy sticks his junk into the hole in the wall of the girls’ shower room, then watched the rest of The Godfather, then started thinking, Man, that shower wall was really thin, was it even up to code? I can’t believe the constant moisture wouldn’t have caused major leakage and mold in a shoddy wall like that. Looked up, realized it was 12:01 a.m. Sunday. Watched the rest of Porky’s. Stapled tarp over hole in ceiling, went to bed.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 22, 2011 8:31 am

    Even if the world ends I bet we will still have to work and pay taxes to the government running things when there is no world.

  2. May 24, 2011 2:46 am

    All of those people accumulating vacation days are going to be pretty pissed when the Apocalypse comes.

  3. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    June 3, 2011 2:38 am

    Imagine my surprise when the “Rapture”, one of those ” know not the hour/ thief in the night” type events had been disclosed to this rather…interesting looking gent, who promptly blabbed it all over town. I cancelled my account with LifeLock that morning. Of course I reinstated it at 12:01 the next morning, but by that time some guy in Antlers Oklahoma had already purchased a monster truck, 7 prize winning Pomeranians, and a custom-made bowling ball with “bubba’s rollin’ thunder” engraved on it. (btw…I had butter on my grapefruit too! I feel sure they ate a lot of that during the last days of Rome!) Oh well, better luck next time…”wrongest” guy of the year!

  4. June 7, 2011 1:18 am

    Pomeranians?! According to the movie Best in Show, my primary source of information when it comes to the intersection of dogs and theology, “God loves a terrier,” so no wonder the guy didn’t get sucked up into the clouds. Also, for breakfast tomorrow, try some Tabasco on your grapefruit. Delish.

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