The Japecake Quiz: Are You Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Love Child?

Now that that there’s been time to assess the Collateral Damage following the revelation of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s True Lies and the Total Recall of his, uh, Jingle All the Way children out of wedlock, some disturbing questions remain. How many more are there? Could I be one of them? Why haven’t I ever seen my own father and Arnold in the same room? Lest this uncertainty plague you till the End of Days, or you spend the rest of your life awkwardly incorporating movie titles into every conversation, you’d better take the following quiz and find out. Twins, Red Sonja, Pumping Iron.

A female employee of yours is regularly late to work, uncooperative, and is destroying office morale. As the boss, you decide to:
a. Have a frank discussion with her
b. Give her a written warning
c. Assign her a new set of tasks
d. Terminate her

You take your coffee with:
a. Cream
b. Sugar
c. A sprinkle of cinnamon
d. Steroids

Your neighbor is rocking out to heavy metal at 2 a.m. After 15 minutes, you finally go next door and threaten to:
a. Call the police
b. Yank out the power cord
c. Punch him
d. Blitzkrieg

The perfect manifestation of The American Dream is to become:
a. The greatest bodybuilder ever
b. One of the biggest box-office draws in history
c. Governor of the most populous state
d. Rich enough to buy a house so enormous you require “help,” then hire help, then bang help

You have just visited your best friends at the hospital to congratulate them on the birth of their first child. As you depart, you say to the infant:
a. “Bye-bye, little one”
b. “Farewell, darling”
c. “So long, sweetie”
d. “Hasta la vista, baby”

Your least favorite musical is:
a. Les Misérables, because it’s maudlin and overrated and ruined a great book
b. The Music Man, because it’s too long and “Shipoopi” is the stupidest song ever
c. Cats, because you’re a dog person
d. The Sound of Music, because the Nazis don’t get a fair shake

The scariest part in the entire Terminator franchise is when:
a. The Terminator’s one-armed skeleton drags itself toward Sarah Connor in T1
b. The liquid-metal T-1000 cyborg horrifyingly repairs itself in T2
c. The “Judgment Day” nuclear attacks finally begin in T3
d. Your mom walks into the living room, sees Schwarzenegger on the TV, throws the remote control at the screen, and screams, “You lying, no-good son of a bitch!”

You really hate it when people forget to use:
a. Common sense
b. Good manners
c. A coaster
d. Umlauts over vowels

For a man marrying into the Kennedy family in 1986, the most important consideration was:
a. The loss of privacy
b. The expectation that you would contribute to a long tradition of public service
c. The burden of history would now rest, in part, upon your shoulders
d. You finally got a shot at nailing Jackie, so don’t blow it

The best way to improve the poor performance of American students compared to their international peers is to:
a. Increase funding to schools
b. Encourage parents to participate more fully in their children’s education
c. Convincingly demonstrate to young people the lasting value of academic achievement
d. Have cops go undercover as kindergarten teachers

Count your “d” answers and rank yourself as follows:

9–10: Demand your fair share of that sweet, sweet Junior cash
7–8: Tell the man you’ve been calling “Dad” up till now that you want all those neckties and bottles of Old Spice back
5–6: You’ve earned a free lifetime membership to Gold’s Gym
3–4: Laugh at “Sperminator” jokes completely free of any filial guilt
1–2: You’re definitely not a Schwarzenegger, but you still might be a DeVito
0: It’s not a tooma … wait, it is!