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Kids: Your Parents Are Lying to You

June 21, 2011

JOHN AND OLIVIA WALTON: The loving glue that held this Depression-era family together, or filthy hillbilly liars?

MYTH: “Let me kiss it and make it better.”
FACT: What? With that germy petri dish of a mouth? You’re better off just dunking your owie right in the toilet.

MYTH: “If you two don’t stop it, I’ll turn this car around right now!”
FACT: In the middle of the car wash? Fat chance. Pound away at each other with impunity. Here, use the ice scraper.

MYTH: “If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you do that, too?”
FACT: Well, you’re going to look pretty silly testing the bungee harness you folded together from gum wrappers from the roof of the tool shed, aren’t you?

MYTH: “Because I’m the father!”
FACT: Really? Because you’re the first Irish kid in history who’s a dead ringer for Snoop Dogg. Also, your dad was deployed overseas for an entire year before you were born. Also, there’s a framed photo of Snoop Dogg on your mom’s vanity. Start asking some pointed questions.

MYTH: “Don’t sit too close to the TV, or you’ll go blind.”
FACT: If you sit too close to the TV, you’ll actually develop the ability to shoot lasers from your eyes. See? They don’t want you to have any fun.

MYTH: “Close the door. We’re not air-conditioning the entire neighborhood.”
FACT: Of course not, with that attitude.

MYTH: “You eat every one of those lima beans. There are kids starving in China!”
FACT: All the kids in China are eating KFC right now and laughing at you. Later, they’re all going to the DQ. Then laser tag. With their eyes.

MYTH: “We love all of you children equally.”
FACT: After your last report card, actually, you fell to third place, between Doug and Jeannie.

MYTH: “If you kids don’t shape up, there won’t be any Christmas this year!”
FACT: Whatever, Dr. Hyman Goldberger, D.D.S.

MYTH: “You’re old enough to know better!”
FACT: Indeed. When forging a note from your mom in order to play hooky at school, using the first person is the mark of a rank amateur.

MYTH: “There’s no such thing as monsters.”
FACT: You know, they’re right. At least I’m pretty sure they are. Nothing to worry about. Probably.

MYTH: “If you keep making that face, it’ll stay like that.”
FACT: This one is true.

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19 Comments leave one →
  1. June 21, 2011 12:52 am

    Myth: “I gave your Halloween candy to the earthquake victims in Haiti.”
    Fact: The brown ring around my mouth is chocolate . . . your chocolate . . . and I ate the peanut butter cups first. Just in case you caught me.

  2. June 21, 2011 12:59 am

    Hmm. I’d’ve gone with, “You know why God made an earthquake? Because you didn’t clean your room like I told you.”

  3. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    June 21, 2011 1:01 am

    I was personally responsible for cooling huge sections of my home town. All on a postal workers salary. Ever seen someone go postal in person!?!?! Yikes!

    • June 21, 2011 1:16 am

      Hey, I just tried to click over to your blog … you’re gone?! Does this mean you got your first one-woman show?

  4. June 21, 2011 1:13 am

    Yes. Fortunately, I was wearing a vest made of discarded Publisher’s Clearing House envelopes at the time and only suffered a minor flesh wound.

  5. June 21, 2011 2:53 am

    Re.: “You eat every one of those lima beans. There are kids starving in China!”… I always wanted to tell Dad to ship my steaming, oozing, jiggling plate of liver to some kid in India (with Dad, the starving kids all lived in India) but if I did, I wouldn’t be around to post inane comments on your blog!

    • June 21, 2011 12:34 pm

      Liver? India? You should have played the reincarnation card.

  6. June 21, 2011 11:14 am

    We might be long-lost siblings. Did Father’s Day inspire this for you?

    • June 21, 2011 12:42 pm

      I have to confess: having never been a parent or a child, I just made the whole thing up.

  7. June 21, 2011 12:42 pm

    These are great. I did some fathers Day post

  8. June 21, 2011 4:42 pm

    As a kid, I drove around town with the air conditioner blasting and the windows down as a form of rebelling from being told to keep the cold air in the house. I know. My idea of being a rebel was lame.

  9. June 21, 2011 5:08 pm

    You drove around with an air conditioner?! Lucky. I made do with a window fan and a really long extension cord.

  10. July 8, 2011 1:48 pm

    Haha, love this! Thanks for the smile. 🙂

  11. July 8, 2011 2:09 pm

    HA! This is great. Wonderful sense of humor!

    • July 8, 2011 2:46 pm

      Thank you. Trust me–your kids will appreciate your brutal frankness. Especially on Christmas morning.

  12. July 8, 2011 8:41 pm

    Hilarious!

  13. July 9, 2011 7:42 am

    Loved it!

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