Kids: Your Parents Are Lying to You

JOHN AND OLIVIA WALTON: The loving glue that held this Depression-era family together, or filthy hillbilly liars?

MYTH: “Let me kiss it and make it better.”
FACT: What? With that germy petri dish of a mouth? You’re better off just dunking your owie right in the toilet.

MYTH: “If you two don’t stop it, I’ll turn this car around right now!”
FACT: In the middle of the car wash? Fat chance. Pound away at each other with impunity. Here, use the ice scraper.

MYTH: “If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you do that, too?”
FACT: Well, you’re going to look pretty silly testing the bungee harness you folded together from gum wrappers from the roof of the tool shed, aren’t you?

MYTH: “Because I’m the father!”
FACT: Really? Because you’re the first Irish kid in history who’s a dead ringer for Snoop Dogg. Also, your dad was deployed overseas for an entire year before you were born. Also, there’s a framed photo of Snoop Dogg on your mom’s vanity. Start asking some pointed questions.

MYTH: “Don’t sit too close to the TV, or you’ll go blind.”
FACT: If you sit too close to the TV, you’ll actually develop the ability to shoot lasers from your eyes. See? They don’t want you to have any fun.

MYTH: “Close the door. We’re not air-conditioning the entire neighborhood.”
FACT: Of course not, with that attitude.

MYTH: “You eat every one of those lima beans. There are kids starving in China!”
FACT: All the kids in China are eating KFC right now and laughing at you. Later, they’re all going to the DQ. Then laser tag. With their eyes.

MYTH: “We love all of you children equally.”
FACT: After your last report card, actually, you fell to third place, between Doug and Jeannie.

MYTH: “If you kids don’t shape up, there won’t be any Christmas this year!”
FACT: Whatever, Dr. Hyman Goldberger, D.D.S.

MYTH: “You’re old enough to know better!”
FACT: Indeed. When forging a note from your mom in order to play hooky at school, using the first person is the mark of a rank amateur.

MYTH: “There’s no such thing as monsters.”
FACT: You know, they’re right. At least I’m pretty sure they are. Nothing to worry about. Probably.

MYTH: “If you keep making that face, it’ll stay like that.”
FACT: This one is true.