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Other Things the Mice Will Do When the Cat Is Away

June 22, 2011

Forget to water the ferns as promised

Play the cat’s DVDs, but not handle them by the edges, so that the screen suddenly freezes right before it’s confirmed that Bruce Willis has actually been dead all along

Use up all the good catnip and replace it with the stuff from Costco

Cut tiny arch-shaped holes into all the baseboards, cartoon style

Get drunk on the bottle of Absolut they find in the freezer, hit on computer mouse, throw up into keyboard, wake up next morning with headaches and feelings of shame and regret, do it all again the following night

Complete the three-quarters-finished New York Times Sunday crossword the cat left on the table next to the sofa and really wanted to finish when he got back

Destroy the cat’s collection of Precious Moments figurines when an outdoor water-balloon fight disintegrates into an indoor clumping-cat-litter fight

Look through the drawer of the cat’s nightstand, discover compromising snapshots of cat with Jack Russell terrier tucked inside a highlighted copy of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Felines

Dance to Bob Seger records in underwear, get into sexual relationship with beautiful, high-priced prostitute, accidentally cause the cat’s Porsche to roll into the lake, operate brothel out of house to raise money to fix waterlogged Porsche, more sex, buy back cat’s possessions stolen by vengeful pimp, get accepted to Princeton

Not flush

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12 Comments leave one →
  1. June 22, 2011 7:50 am

    I’m pretty sure our mice do those things while the cat is still home.

  2. sonnypi67 permalink
    June 22, 2011 7:57 am

    Rub his butt on every piece of furniture in the house.

  3. June 22, 2011 9:16 am

    “Destroy the cat’s collection of Precious Moments figurines” – this is really for the cat’s own good. Those figurines are all kinds of creepy.

    And, where does this cat live? NIMH? These mice are way smarter than the mice hanging out around my place.

  4. June 22, 2011 11:15 am

    These mice are way smarter than the mice hanging out around my place.

    Well, if they’re just “hanging out,” clearly they have no ambition.

  5. June 23, 2011 10:48 am

    The mice at my house stretch a piece of Saran Wrap across the top of the cat box and then post the picures they take of the cat embarrassing itself on Twitter.

  6. June 23, 2011 11:32 am

    Pets … so like us! Right down to using a cat box.

  7. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    June 24, 2011 9:35 pm

    Dude…that would make a totally great movie! I think John Hughes would PAY for this kind of idea!

  8. June 24, 2011 11:28 pm

    I don’t know … it really sounds like an Adam Sandler vehicle to me, which is about the strongest condemnation I can think of.

  9. July 9, 2011 11:53 am

    Bruce Willis was dead the whole time??!!

  10. July 21, 2011 8:00 pm

    If I were them I’d change the locks. 🙂

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