Other Things the Mice Will Do When the Cat Is Away

Forget to water the ferns as promised

Play the cat’s DVDs, but not handle them by the edges, so that the screen suddenly freezes right before it’s confirmed that Bruce Willis has actually been dead all along

Use up all the good catnip and replace it with the stuff from Costco

Cut tiny arch-shaped holes into all the baseboards, cartoon style

Get drunk on the bottle of Absolut they find in the freezer, hit on computer mouse, throw up into keyboard, wake up next morning with headaches and feelings of shame and regret, do it all again the following night

Complete the three-quarters-finished New York Times Sunday crossword the cat left on the table next to the sofa and really wanted to finish when he got back

Destroy the cat’s collection of Precious Moments figurines when an outdoor water-balloon fight disintegrates into an indoor clumping-cat-litter fight

Look through the drawer of the cat’s nightstand, discover compromising snapshots of cat with Jack Russell terrier tucked inside a highlighted copy of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Felines

Dance to Bob Seger records in underwear, get into sexual relationship with beautiful, high-priced prostitute, accidentally cause the cat’s Porsche to roll into the lake, operate brothel out of house to raise money to fix waterlogged Porsche, more sex, buy back cat’s possessions stolen by vengeful pimp, get accepted to Princeton

Not flush