UPDATE: Popcorn Puritanism Rears Its Ugly Head

Editor’s note: Last week, Japey published a post that proved to be his most controversial to date, surpassing even his take on sparkly, crypto-gay soldiers, or the chilling specter of a Bieberocracy, for visceral, knee-jerk reactions. Tensions came to a head mere hours after the post went live, when one Japecake subscriber, under the cloak of anonymity, actually cancelled his or her subscription. (Subscribers, please remember to read your contracts: Your deposit is non-refundable!) Shortly thereafter, having received threats of a “buttwa” (like a fatwa, only dispensed from a pump at the concession stand), Japey went deep into super-secret hiding at 92 Second Street, Fall River, Massachusetts. Though eager to present his side of the story, Japey has, on the advice of legal counsel, chosen not to respond directly, but to issue a statement via a spokesperson (seen above in an adorable file photo). The full text of the statement follows.

Ladies and gentlemen, and also, readers of Japecake:

Japey has asked me to say a few words on his behalf. First, he wants to convey that he was convulsed with laughter shocked and dismayed to learn of violent reader responses to his recent post incorporating frank images of acrobatically amorous popcorn. As he deeply regrets the pain caused by what some have apparently viewed as a shocking display of fully exposed hulls, he wants to reassure his readers of the following:

1. His intent was at no time prurient, but was, rather, to present a piece of purely visual humor, much like certain cartoons one finds in the New Yorker, but less dependent on animals seated at bars, or wisecracking executives interviewing improbable, sometimes inanimate, job candidates.

2. Further, he has stated that he was fascinated by the “Rorschach effect” of juxtaposing photographs of an innocuous, family-friendly snack food with a title that might, or might not, cause viewers to see it in a new light, or to turn around the Orville Redenbacher jar while undressing, when undressing in the kitchen.

3. Despite retrogressive attitudes in certain quarters, popcorn sex, and the photography thereof, is wholly legal, natural, and easy to explain away as “Oops, I dropped some popcorn as I was working on my assignment from National Geographic, the monarch butterflies migrated to my pantry this year,” should someone unexpectedly walk in.

The following images, outtakes from Japey’s most recent photo shoot, should make it clear that at times the fruits, and vegetables, of his tireless pursuit of an artistic ideal have been grossly misinterpreted, particularly in the tabloid press, as mere “lewd food”:

So what if these cucumbers are spooning? Would it be so wrong for them to share a brine bath? With candles and rose petals all around?

Die-hard segregationists have expressed outrage over this bold yet intimate study of differently hued peppers in close proximity. Japey, on the other hand, feels that when it comes to getting stuffed, the more the merrier, no matter what your color.

Sometimes a banana is just a banana … unless it’s two bananas, conjoined in animal passion. Which these are not. Not while you’re watching.

A zucchini and a summer squash together? You know who gets really upset by this? That check-out girl at the Price Chopper, who insists on ringing them up separately, even though they’re always priced the same per pound. Plus, I always have to identify the kohlrabi for her and give her the code, because she never knows what it is, or how it’s spelled.

What are all of those tender young broccoli florets up to inside that dark, pillow-shaped bag? Wishing they were asparagus, probably. And thawing.

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On a personal note, I would like to add that I applaud Japey’s courage in attempting to promote a healthy, open attitude toward the oft-overlooked, widely misunderstood topic of popcorn sexuality. Those of us personally affected by this issue, among whom I count myself, have in some cases endured years of salt-shaming, abuse by small-minded, Cracker Jack–booted thugs, and worse. So many people claim to “love” popcorn; why, then, don’t these same people recognize an equally valid expression of love in the hot, steaming, well-oiled congress of two mature, consenting kernels? It’s people like Japey—the dreamers, the visionaries, the trailblazers—who are showing the world that popcorn is more than just something you put into your mouth because the Raisinets and Milk Duds are all gone. In undertaking his brave, groundbreaking photo essay, I believe that Japey showed more than a sense of humor. He showed that he has popcorn balls.