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UPDATE: Popcorn Puritanism Rears Its Ugly Head

June 28, 2011

Editor’s note: Last week, Japey published a post that proved to be his most controversial to date, surpassing even his take on sparkly, crypto-gay soldiers, or the chilling specter of a Bieberocracy, for visceral, knee-jerk reactions. Tensions came to a head mere hours after the post went live, when one Japecake subscriber, under the cloak of anonymity, actually cancelled his or her subscription. (Subscribers, please remember to read your contracts: Your deposit is non-refundable!) Shortly thereafter, having received threats of a “buttwa” (like a fatwa, only dispensed from a pump at the concession stand), Japey went deep into super-secret hiding at 92 Second Street, Fall River, Massachusetts. Though eager to present his side of the story, Japey has, on the advice of legal counsel, chosen not to respond directly, but to issue a statement via a spokesperson (seen above in an adorable file photo). The full text of the statement follows.

Ladies and gentlemen, and also, readers of Japecake:

Japey has asked me to say a few words on his behalf. First, he wants to convey that he was convulsed with laughter shocked and dismayed to learn of violent reader responses to his recent post incorporating frank images of acrobatically amorous popcorn. As he deeply regrets the pain caused by what some have apparently viewed as a shocking display of fully exposed hulls, he wants to reassure his readers of the following:

1. His intent was at no time prurient, but was, rather, to present a piece of purely visual humor, much like certain cartoons one finds in the New Yorker, but less dependent on animals seated at bars, or wisecracking executives interviewing improbable, sometimes inanimate, job candidates.

2. Further, he has stated that he was fascinated by the “Rorschach effect” of juxtaposing photographs of an innocuous, family-friendly snack food with a title that might, or might not, cause viewers to see it in a new light, or to turn around the Orville Redenbacher jar while undressing, when undressing in the kitchen.

3. Despite retrogressive attitudes in certain quarters, popcorn sex, and the photography thereof, is wholly legal, natural, and easy to explain away as “Oops, I dropped some popcorn as I was working on my assignment from National Geographic, the monarch butterflies migrated to my pantry this year,” should someone unexpectedly walk in.

The following images, outtakes from Japey’s most recent photo shoot, should make it clear that at times the fruits, and vegetables, of his tireless pursuit of an artistic ideal have been grossly misinterpreted, particularly in the tabloid press, as mere “lewd food”:

So what if these cucumbers are spooning? Would it be so wrong for them to share a brine bath? With candles and rose petals all around?

Die-hard segregationists have expressed outrage over this bold yet intimate study of differently hued peppers in close proximity. Japey, on the other hand, feels that when it comes to getting stuffed, the more the merrier, no matter what your color.

Sometimes a banana is just a banana … unless it’s two bananas, conjoined in animal passion. Which these are not. Not while you’re watching.

A zucchini and a summer squash together? You know who gets really upset by this? That check-out girl at the Price Chopper, who insists on ringing them up separately, even though they’re always priced the same per pound. Plus, I always have to identify the kohlrabi for her and give her the code, because she never knows what it is, or how it’s spelled.

What are all of those tender young broccoli florets up to inside that dark, pillow-shaped bag? Wishing they were asparagus, probably. And thawing.

* * * * *

On a personal note, I would like to add that I applaud Japey’s courage in attempting to promote a healthy, open attitude toward the oft-overlooked, widely misunderstood topic of popcorn sexuality. Those of us personally affected by this issue, among whom I count myself, have in some cases endured years of salt-shaming, abuse by small-minded, Cracker Jack–booted thugs, and worse. So many people claim to “love” popcorn; why, then, don’t these same people recognize an equally valid expression of love in the hot, steaming, well-oiled congress of two mature, consenting kernels? It’s people like Japey—the dreamers, the visionaries, the trailblazers—who are showing the world that popcorn is more than just something you put into your mouth because the Raisinets and Milk Duds are all gone. In undertaking his brave, groundbreaking photo essay, I believe that Japey showed more than a sense of humor. He showed that he has popcorn balls.

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19 Comments leave one →
  1. June 28, 2011 7:40 am

    I am shocked and dismayed to start my day viewing pornographic images of vegetable sexuality. Does wordpress know you have published this atrocious filth?As an old Yankee Presbyterian of Puritan heritage, I must say I am quite outraged. You are not allowed to hug, embrace or kiss anyone in public. You are allowed to kiss your wife, however. Upstairs. Door locked. Shades down. Then you immediately return to performing God’s intent which is working 22 hours a day and praying the other 2. If sexual desires do evolve during the kiss you are allow sex for the sole purpose of creating a child , who upon reaching 1 year old will also take its place in society by working 22 hours a day and praying the remaining 2. I pray the light of the Holy Spirit rains upon you. And you had better be on your way to work !

    • June 28, 2011 11:14 pm

      God’s intent which is working 22 hours a day and praying the other 2.

      God clearly hasn’t discovered YouTube yet.

  2. June 28, 2011 10:29 am

    Please tell me folks did not complain. Please, please, please. Long live the popcorn balls of Japecake!

    • June 28, 2011 11:08 pm

      The subscription cancellation actually happened, and from the timing, I can only assume it resulted from the popcorn post. I’m pretty sure Pat Robertson and his people have been trying to shut me down for a while now.

      • infinite monkey theorem permalink
        June 29, 2011 10:45 am

        Infidel!

  3. June 28, 2011 9:02 pm

    I thought Japecake was the one site my family could all read together. Now I’m not so sure.

    • June 28, 2011 11:10 pm

      I thought Japecake was the one site my family could all read together. Now I’m not so sure.

      They’re creepy and they’re kooky
      Mysterious and spooky
      They don’t give a damn heck about rhyming
      The Greatsby Family!

  4. June 28, 2011 10:59 pm

    I’m going to start looking at vegetables a lot differently now… I hadn’t thought much about what they were really trying to say.

    • June 28, 2011 11:19 pm

      Remember that what’s just a tossed salad to you might be an orgy to a radish.

  5. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    June 29, 2011 2:21 am

    I’ll be back…I hear some mysterious rustling in the fridge.
    (God, not another turducken…splain that one Lucy!)

  6. June 29, 2011 8:48 am

    The turducken is so great in theory … they just need to hire a PR firm to do something about those first four letters.

    • infinite monkey theorem permalink
      June 29, 2011 10:55 am

      Ever notice how “grade A” and “fancy” go together? I’m changing my name to “Fancy’ when I get to the university! (Here’s your one chance Fancy don’t let me down!) You may recognize this as a verse from a Reba McEntire…a prophet of the South. A nice little song about wanting the best in life for your kids!
      Turd…uck…en. (Jappy, I think this one is beyond the capacity of out current PR technology!
      Check back again after lunch…(mmmmmm…tdc sandwich.)

      • June 29, 2011 5:59 pm

        For a wine, I’d suggest a nice Chardonnay stuffed with a Fresca stuffed with a Yoo Hoo.

  7. June 29, 2011 5:08 pm

    If I could subcribe to your blog twice I would.

    • June 29, 2011 5:48 pm

      Thank you kindly. I would reply twice if I could. I would reply twice if I could.

  8. June 30, 2011 11:34 am

    I think your less prudish readers would approve of this. I dunno if it is SFW, I am going to say yes.

    http://www.kontraband.com/pics/10172/Sexy-Fruit-Ad/

  9. July 4, 2011 2:45 pm

    I’m sorry but this filth is just not my cup of tea. There are people that are into this sort of thing but I guess my strict Greek Orthodox upbringing moulded me into the moral yet tolerant adult that my community holds in such high esteem. I am just relieved that you didn’t show any peaches with the fuzz removed and you made sure that all your subjects were fully ripe on the date of the photoshoot. I bet you were listening to Frank Zappa’s song “Call Any Vegetable” while putting this whole thing together, eh?

    Orville Redenbacher, by the way, was banned for years from entering the produce section of any grocery store in his home state for several decades prior to his death. I won’t go into details.

    P.S. You wouldn’t have any shots of eggplants with goat cheese all over them, would you?

  10. July 4, 2011 7:02 pm

    my strict Greek Orthodox upbringing

    Hoo boy … I don’t think you’re gonna like my upcoming olive-based post.

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  1. Kernel Knowledge: The Popcorn Kama Sutra « japecake

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