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Adult Magazines Reboot

July 1, 2011

If you’re anything like me, you’ve noticed something strange lately about the selection of porn magazines at your local Wal-Mart. (Never been in that section? You’ll typically find it between the fabric counter and archery supplies. Ask the greeter as you enter, but be sure to avert your eyes and fidget nervously, shifting from foot to foot.) As I stood there a few days ago, clad in a raincoat, even though there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, I was struck by a subtle but distinct … change in the once-familiar rainbow of bare skin and latex spread before me like a pervy rainbow. The sobering fact is that adult magazines have been hit just as hard [Hey-yo!] as the rest of the publishing industry, and some have had to take drastic measures just to survive. In many cases, this has meant a radical shift in focus—a desperate, last-ditch attempt to woo “readers” by seeking out untapped and unexpected niche markets. So, to close out a week already wet and wild with sexxxy controversy, Japey has compiled, through tireless research and nagging fears of going blind, a helpful list of popular adult magazines, and how they’re attempting to reach out to a whole new audience. Once you’ve finished, we recommend hiding your computer under your mattress.

Penthouse: The Top-Floor Lifestyle

Barely Legal: News and Commentary for the 18-Year-Old Voter

Mandate (formerly Strong Suggestion)

Juggs: For the Pottery Collector Who Doesn’t Spell-Check

Hustler: Keeping Disco Alive

Celebrity Skin: Dermatology for Familiar Faces

Blue Boy: The Journal of Thomas Gainsborough Studies

Swank: A Quarterly for Perennial Oscar Nominees

Perfect 10: Embracing Your Inner Obsessive-Compulsive Overachiever

Playboy: Articles You Can Say You Read It For

Oui: Just Enough French for Your Three-Day Trip to Montreal

Screw: Fastening Things Since 1844

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. July 1, 2011 2:38 am

    Hot Stuff – growing Mexican peppers in your garden

  2. July 1, 2011 2:42 am

    “Hot Stuff” was a Harvey comic book when I was a kid. One of your run-of-the-mill, devil-child-in-an-asbestos-diaper characters.

    • July 5, 2011 2:34 pm

      Wow…I remember Hot Stuff with his arrow-ended tail and he sometimes carried a trident, if memory serves.

      I think that “Heavy Hitters” now is a Babe Ruth-oriented baseball magazine.

  3. July 1, 2011 3:29 am

    haha nice post

  4. July 1, 2011 8:54 am

    Oh Japey, Japey… you make me smile.

  5. July 1, 2011 5:40 pm

    So, you were the nice lady who was so helpful in Wal-Mart. Thanks for the recommendations, and you’re right–Knockers: The Door Hardware Pictorial is actually pretty good.

  6. July 2, 2011 11:16 am

    Skin spread far and wide.
    Ladies for you to buy.
    Take a peek.
    Don’t be a geek.
    A Pervy Rainbow.
    A Pervy Rainbow!

  7. July 3, 2011 12:57 am

    These are hilarious. I might add: “Girls, Girls, Girls: The Film Career of Elvis Presley.”

    • July 3, 2011 2:40 pm

      Ha! One of the best worst movies ever is The King’s last–Change of Habit, in which our rock ‘n’ roll hero–as a doctor– falls in love with a nun (played by Mary Tyler Moore!).

  8. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    July 3, 2011 11:12 am

    …untapped, unriffed on…leaving it for me? Hey-Yo!
    I hope you have all this outta your system now. My computer is a Baptist, an she’s about had it with you an your popcornyness! Actually I’ve been looking at a Mac; artsy, freespirit with only a tangential connection to religion… Unitarian. (Ha…just joshin’ folks…she’s a North Carolina snake baptist. Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr Freud…)

    • July 3, 2011 2:44 pm

      “She’s a North Carolina snake baptist. Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr Freud…”

      Soipently!

  9. July 9, 2011 4:24 am

    Hot information. Some times we need this.

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