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Practice Beach Safety This Summer

July 12, 2011

A swimmer wildly flailing his arms generally signals that charades have begun. Make sure to count the number of fingers he’s holding up, or you’re going to have a tough time with that movie title.

Wait an hour after eating before going into the water, to give the pee from all the kids who were wading while everyone else was having dinner time to wash out to sea.

If a bully kicks sand into your face, immediately play dead. Then, when the coast is clear, have a glassblower make some of the sand into a beer bottle, smash the bottle against the pier, and attack the bully with the broken, jagged neck.

The pain caused by accidentally stepping on a jellyfish is best treated by also stepping on it with the other foot, evenly dividing the pain load.

To avoid lengthy customs delays, carry your children’s passports in the event their plan to dig to China succeeds. Juice boxes, snacks, and coloring books will help make the long, boring trip through the earth’s mantle go by much faster.

For a picnic spread that includes deviled eggs, be sure to have a qualified exorcist on hand in case things get out of control.

To prevent a potentially tragic mid-air explosion, fill beach balls with inert helium.

Lessen the possibility of sunburn by timing your outing for 2 a.m.

Be sure to warn children that their water wings are not intended for actual flight, unless you’re grooming them for the next generation of Jackass, in which case prepare an adequate landing strip.

While clambakes are a favorite summertime tradition, undercooked shellfish can cause severe illness. A fully baked clam will have bloodshot eyes, a craving for Doritos, and the inability to hold down gainful employment.

Should your beach fire start to burn out of control, take up a collection, then hold a vote to appoint a member of your party to run to the nearest hardware or home-improvement store for a fire extinguisher.

If you happen to witness an impending shark attack, immediately get it on video for YouTube. If necessary, ask the person getting attacked to maneuver so that the shark is also in the frame.

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21 Comments leave one →
  1. July 12, 2011 1:28 am

    Also, ensure that attractive young women are placed near the lifeguard to distract him from trying to intervene on possible suicide attempts.

    • July 12, 2011 5:59 pm

      I have reason to believe that the gay community, and suicide prevention operators, may take issue with your point of view.

      • July 12, 2011 6:38 pm

        I have reason to believe they (and other groups) may take issue with yours as well, so now we’re even.

      • July 12, 2011 7:03 pm

        Point taken. The Chinese are very strict when it comes to their subterranean immigration policy. (My previous comment was meant to be funny, not to chastise, by the way.)

  2. July 12, 2011 3:33 am

    How about, “If you are determined to enhance your attractiveness to female bathers by stuffing a potato into your speedo, make sure you stuff it down the FRONT of your speedo.”

    Great post! Is it available on waterproof flashcards?

    • July 12, 2011 5:58 pm

      I can’t argue with this advice. Except to recommend a cantaloupe instead of a potato.

  3. July 12, 2011 3:44 am

    Love your sense of humor. I took a picture in Cyprus of the lifeguard on duty–laying on a beach chair next to the lifeguard tower, working on his tan.

    • July 12, 2011 6:06 pm

      Cypriot lifeguards are the biggest slackers of the Mediterranean. Except for the Mediterranean slacker salmon, which spends its entire life cycle spawning and playing Xbox.

  4. July 12, 2011 4:07 am

    Oh wow, sooo funny! Thank you sooo much for the laugh, I needed it!

    • July 12, 2011 6:33 pm

      It’s all laughs until someone’s head begins to spin around after eating a deviled egg.

  5. July 12, 2011 8:08 am

    My kid’s crayons always melted once they reached Earth’s core. Any suggestions?

  6. July 12, 2011 11:31 am

    I’m pretty sure sharks come equipped with “shark cams” now – one on their foreheads, and one strapped to a pole for ‘shark action shots’ – so that nothing’s missed, in case of attack.

    Or maybe that’s just something I suggested in my last letter to the editor…

    • July 12, 2011 6:08 pm

      Or maybe that’s just something I suggested in my last letter to the editor…

      Yes, I think I saw it in Martha Stewart Living.

  7. July 12, 2011 9:55 pm

    Finally, somebody gives some stage direction on shark attacks. How many times have we seen the YouTube clip of the shark coming in for the kill and the swimmer goes under water so we can’t see anything or looks upstage away from the audience? Poor form.

    • July 12, 2011 10:21 pm

      As my grandfather used to say, “You can’t cash in when you go viral if you don’t get a good shot to use for the t-shirt.”

  8. July 13, 2011 12:04 pm

    If the picnic spread includes deviled eggs in the sun at the beach, the eater will probably self-exorcise – all over their flip-flops.

  9. July 14, 2011 4:12 am

    This post is amazing!!! I was laughing out loud while sitting at a public computer with very serious soldiers around me. It’s unfortunate that they just cannot seem to find the humor of an incredibly deprived wife of a soldier, laughing her ass off, at a well-written list on beach safety. I particularly appreciate the comment about the water wings seeing as how I have a four-year-old. Figured I would play it safe and get her a life vest instead. Problem is the second it’s removed she running for the deep end making me question the possibility of my sweet, daredevil daughter auditioning for jackass some day. No worries tho…safety first – heart attack from my nerves being shot to hell – later. Thanks for making my day =)

    • July 14, 2011 10:46 am

      making me question the possibility of my sweet, daredevil daughter auditioning for jackass some day.

      I think it’s high time that girls, too, were allowed to take part in completely idiotic behavior. I say, buy her a helmet and turn her loose.

  10. July 20, 2011 12:38 pm

    Brilliant!

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