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Sh*t My Sh*t Says

July 15, 2011

“That makes absolutely no sense. Superman had nothing to do with Pulp Fiction. It wasn’t Kryptonite in the briefcase. The glow wasn’t even green; it was golden. It was Marcellus’ soul. You’re the biggest idiot I’ve ever watched a movie with. Also, you don’t eat enough fiber.”

“We had Thai last night. I’m starving; just pick someplace already. [Rolls eyes] Fine. Thai Palace it is.”

“Knock, knock.”
Who’s there?
“Poo.”
Poo who?
“Poo who tells knock-knock jokes!”

“Don’t tell me that you didn’t eat the Payday bar I was saving for tomorrow. Believe me, I know.”

“And I’m telling you, it was definitely the dog.”

“Now that the second coat has dried and I can see it in full daylight, it’s too matchy with the sofa. I say, let’s go with burnt umber, or maybe chocolate.”

“… so the guy says, ‘The Aristocrats!’”

“Something big is about to go down. Hand me my boxing gloves, and turn on the fan.”

“Ha! I told you it was E. coli. You suck at Final Jeopardy!”

“‘Cut the crap?’ You’re a sick f*cker, you know that?”

“If that’s the Santorum campaign people again, tell them I received their offer, I’m not interested, and they need to stop calling.”

“That’s completely insane. There’s no way the second Darrin on Bewitched was better. You’re the biggest moron I’ve ever watched TV with. Also, that penny you accidentally swallowed on Wednesday … taken care of.”

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24 Comments leave one →
  1. July 15, 2011 3:12 am

    This is some funny shit.

  2. sonnypi67 permalink
    July 15, 2011 6:46 am

    Doodie! Doodie!

  3. July 15, 2011 7:07 am

    Seriously, this might be the only blog post that’s ever made me laugh AND clench my butt. I think this is impressive?

  4. July 15, 2011 10:41 am

    Ah, so you’re saying Marcellus Wallace was Superman. Now I get that movie.

  5. July 15, 2011 1:30 pm

    I bet your shit thinks it doesn’t stink.

    • July 16, 2011 4:36 pm

      It goes a little heavy on the Axe deodorant body spray, which makes it even worse.

  6. Jill H permalink
    July 15, 2011 3:50 pm

    Oh, you just make me laugh out loud….and I love the shades of brown visual. I haven’t been keeping up, so going to sit down now (throne-like) and catch up….

  7. July 15, 2011 10:15 pm

    My shit should be grateful I’m not giving it shit about smelling and looking like shit.

    • July 16, 2011 4:39 pm

      Or making fun of its brains, which are made of … well, I think that’s clear.

  8. July 16, 2011 1:28 am

    Two words: Gold. Kryptonite. (Pssst: the yellow kryptonite was a hoax!)

  9. July 18, 2011 10:34 am

    I wonder what gave you the idea for this post? 😉

  10. July 20, 2011 11:29 pm

    Is this the piece you were telling me you submitted to The New Yorker, but they just didn’t get how it was a commentary on social media?

    • July 21, 2011 2:46 pm

      All the rejection letter said was, “Sorry, we’re not doing highbrow humor anymore.” The publishing world really is changing. On the bright side, Charmin has offered me a job as a copywriter.

  11. July 26, 2011 9:43 pm

    I could never pooh-pooh on some old fashioned potty humor, why I read Rabelais with regularity and I don’t have to strain in order to appreciate his smooth genius.

  12. August 15, 2011 5:46 am

    You really should update this with some patterns. It’s not as if people don’t eat corn, you know!

  13. August 15, 2011 11:35 am

    I will definitely heed your advice for my next sh*t-related post.

  14. Van permalink
    May 3, 2014 10:26 pm

    I lost my virginity to Radiohead…

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