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Serving Suggestions

September 30, 2011

After cutting the crust from your children’s sandwiches, conceal the crust inside the filling, recording yourself on camera as you do so. Once the sandwiches are consumed, show your children the video and gloat.

“Ice” a meatloaf with mashed potatoes and tell your guests, “Yum, we’re starting with pound cake!” When they ask why the “cake” is made of ground meat and potatoes, tell them you just followed the directions on the box, and ask if they want it à la mode. If they say yes, add another scoop of mashed potatoes.

If you’re serving whole roast pig but forgot an apple to place in its mouth, substitute a small framed photo of the pig’s now-orphaned piglets.

Add an authentic touch to your Greek salad by having it drop unexpectedly from the belly of a horse-shaped chandelier suspended above the dining table. Look in the Yellow Pages under “horse-shaped chandelier rental.”

When serving ice cream for dessert, a sensitive, gracious host will accommodate lactose-intolerant guests by offering them a bowl of plain ice.

Heighten the realism of radish-rose garnishes by spraying them with perfume just before serving.

If you discover at the last minute that the pasta is overcooked, throw an uncooked handful into the serving bowl to even it out.

Make a dramatic, colorful centerpiece of fruit salad in a hollowed-out watermelon half. Then tell your guests that no one gets any fruit salad until all of the watermelon has been eaten.

The image you project when serving wine from a box can be greatly enhanced by writing “Château Margaux 1959” on the side with a magic marker.

When vegetables lose their color during cooking, rave about how green the broccoli is. A few moments later, drop a casual comment about an article you saw in USA Today that says that one’s chances of becoming color blind increase in proportion to the viewing of online porn.

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19 Comments leave one →
  1. September 30, 2011 6:28 am

    See on the right side it says “Real…..” I love these, like ” Mashed potatoes, made with real potatoes.” You mean they have unreal potatoes? What else do you make mashed potatoes out of? String beans or something?

    • October 1, 2011 2:07 pm

      Sawdust and glue. That’s why you should always read labels closely.

  2. September 30, 2011 6:50 am

    I love this! I’m definitely going to follow your tip for serving a roast pig. That should go down brilliantly with my dinner guests, especially if I have Babe or Charlotte’s Web playing on the TV in the background.

    • October 1, 2011 3:04 pm

      May I also suggest the 1960 Twilight Zone episode “Eye of the Beholder?”

  3. September 30, 2011 9:18 am

    The best part about spraying the food with perfume is not having to waste precious time worrying if anything’s gone rotten! What a time-saver!

    • October 1, 2011 3:19 pm

      I personally like a date who remembers to dab a little chicken vindaloo behind each ear.

  4. Melinda Elston permalink
    September 30, 2011 9:21 am

    These are wonderful!

  5. September 30, 2011 9:28 am

    orphaned piglets…. is anybody else hungry?

    • October 1, 2011 3:45 pm

      Tell me about it. The all-pig production of Oliver Twist on Great Performances last year had me in tears.

  6. September 30, 2011 10:24 am

    I think a horse-shaped chandelier is exactly what my house has been missing.
    Excellent tips!

  7. September 30, 2011 10:34 am

    I found your blog by sifting through all the “porcine-related guilt” sites on Google. Yours should be listed way higher than on page 41.

    • October 1, 2011 3:27 pm

      Just for yucks, I just Googled that phrase and discovered that I am evidently the first and only person ever to have used it. What this tells me is that pigs do not have mothers.

  8. October 1, 2011 1:10 pm

    Ever given any thought to writing a cookbook? 😉

  9. October 1, 2011 3:38 pm

    I’m thinking along the lines of a blog featuring pastries and other baked goods, combined with ridiculous humor. If only there were an appropriate name for such a blog. Laughtorte. Jokepie. Whimsoufflé….

  10. October 1, 2011 7:52 pm

    “If you’re serving whole roast pig but forgot an apple to place in its mouth, substitute a small framed photo of the pig’s now-orphaned piglets.”

    Fuck yes. That is a brilliant idea.

  11. October 4, 2011 2:26 am

    These are brilliant suggestions and, with your permission, I’m going to try some of them. Hopefully I’ll have my camera ready and I’ll post the pictures if at all possible.

    I’m Greek so I will certainly be on the lookout for something to serve as a Trojan avgolemono soup carafe. I was thinking about a Trojan souvlaki dispenser but that might mimick real life a little too closely!

    I have a sister who is vegan and I’ll be sure to volunteer to supply the ice cream for the next family gathering. Can you recommend a topping for her shaved ice?

    One year at Christmas boxed wine was served and the big joke (after several pre-dinner liquid appetizers) was sniffing the piece of cardboard you peel off to expose the spigot.

    • October 4, 2011 12:59 pm

      Ha! There’s also a scene in the original Muppet Movie where Steve Martin, as a waiter serving a bottle of wine, asks Kermit, “Would you like to smell the cap?”

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