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The Japecake Quiz: Are You in the Top One Percent?

October 7, 2011

If you’ve been following the Occupy Wall Street protests, you’ve no doubt felt a growing unease, and not just because your unease eats Häagen-Dazs exclusively. For one troubling question surely plagues every red-blooded American: Do I make the cut for a position in the fabled “top one percent?” Are my champagne wishes mere Dr. Pepper? Are my caviar dreams just Filet-O-Fish? To find out, take the following quiz, cross your fingers, and pray to your god, the Almighty Dollar. (Agnostics and lapsed Catholics: You may pray to your Popeil Pocket Deity™.)

If a stranger handed me a hundred-dollar bill, I would use it:
a) To purchase groceries for my family
b) To pay down my credit card
c) To help my needy neighbors
d) As kindling for the piles of thousand-dollar bills which have been cluttering up my yard

A soup kitchen:
a) Is where the homeless can enjoy a rare hot meal
b) Is a worthy recipient of charitable contributions
c) Is an increasingly important community resource
d) Would be a fine addition to my collection of single-purpose kitchens devoted to meat, vegetables, and Rice Krispies squares

Belt-tightening is most effectively achieved by:
a) Strict budgeting
b) Careful record keeping
c) Eliminating all nonessential expenditures
d) Daily sessions with my personal trainer and strict instructions to my personal chef

The check is:
a) In the mail
b) On its way
c) Made out to cash
d) My dear, it’s so gauche to talk about money. Let’s talk about yachts. Yachts with helipads. Emerald-encrusted platinum helipads.

SHARK : FISH : : FOX : __________:
a) Mammal
b) Dog
c) Network
d) Hunt

Everything I need to know I learned in:
a) Kindergarten
b) Boarding school
c) Oxford
d) Gucci footwear

If a close acquaintance approached me with a plea for “help,” I would:
a) Immediately ask what I could do
b) Immediately reach out with a consoling embrace
c) Immediately write a check
d) Immediately volunteer the services of my maid on her day off

__________ is the best policy
a) Honesty
b) Integrity
c) Compassion
d) The comprehensive fine arts insurance with a special rider for the Picassos in the kennel

The first time I cried at the movies is when:
a) Old Yeller was shot in Old Yeller
b) Rocky lost the fight and embraced Adrian in the ring in Rocky
c) E.T. died in E.T.
d) Gordon Gekko got sent to prison in Wall Street

a) Is the greatest enemy of our inner-city children
b) Is the natural result of unfettered capitalism
c) Is sure to be the catalyst for the United States’ inevitable demise into Third-World status
d) Sucks, and I have this novelty poster in my wine cellar to prove it

Total your “d” answers and score yourself as follows:
9–10: Congratulations! You win! Select a state of your choice.
7–8: You don’t quite make the cut, but we’ll still sponsor you for the country club.
5–6: Hmm. Obviously “new” money.
3–4: Oh, I see. You’re from the Flint Havemeyers.
1–2: Wall Street? More like Walmart.
0: “One percent” sounds like your blood alcohol content. Now get away from my Aston-Martin, drunky.

21 Comments leave one →
  1. October 7, 2011 9:18 am

    Ha! Shows what you know. My blood alcohol level is steady at 2.3, thank you very much.

    • October 7, 2011 6:40 pm

      I believe that 2.3 qualifies you to be drizzled on saganaki in a Greek restaurant and set aflame as the waiter shouts “Opa!”

  2. October 7, 2011 10:24 am

    Love the snark…

    • October 8, 2011 6:03 pm

      BrainRants :”Love the snark…”

      Personally I feel Japey jumped the snark a long time ago
      (sorry couldn’t help myself)

      • October 8, 2011 8:45 pm

        Oh, just wait, My Lord, for the episode where I move to Hollywood.

  3. October 7, 2011 12:24 pm

    Old Yeller did not really die. It was a stunt dog. I swear. Please don’t tell me otherwise.

  4. October 7, 2011 1:39 pm

    If I order the Popeil Pocket Deity right now, will I get a cap snaffler, absolutely free?

    “soup kitchen” – love it!

    • October 7, 2011 6:37 pm

      The cap snaffler has been replaced by the cop snaffler, which is illegal in 23 states, so buyer beware.

  5. sonnypi67 permalink
    October 7, 2011 4:40 pm

    ET didn’t die. He just went into a purposeful state of suspended animation in order to break the special bond he had developed with Elliot so that he, ET, might finally and irrevocably GO HOME while remaining RIGHT HERE [in Elliot’s heart/soul/head].

    • October 7, 2011 6:35 pm

      That’s not how I remember it. What I remember is that he went into cardiac arrest, died on the table, Doogie Howser used the paddles on him, and then they all went for pancakes. You must have been watching the TV edit.

      • sonnypi67 permalink
        October 7, 2011 7:33 pm

        Perhaps it’s open for interpretation.

  6. October 9, 2011 12:59 pm

    I had my manservant complete the quiz and I am pleased to report that I am a regular, working-class Joseph!

    Bar-wench! Shots of your finest brandy for all!

  7. October 9, 2011 4:27 pm

    I got all B’s. I think my country’s credit rating just dropped a point. Then mmy inteligense wil follow. Annnd finaly th countr wil desend in2 complet anarky……….

  8. October 11, 2011 2:32 am

    Popeil Pocket Deity… I’d buy that! Fabulous post, Japecake!

  9. October 14, 2011 11:53 am

    Wait. Am I reading Self Magazine or talking the GREs? Either way, I don’t do well with standardized tests…

    • October 14, 2011 12:43 pm

      Am I reading Self Magazine

      I believe the favorite magazine of the top one percent is actually titled Ourselves.

  10. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    November 17, 2011 10:48 pm

    Ah, crap…I was hoping this would prove what my bank account denies!

    • November 22, 2011 3:01 pm

      And wait till you see the blog commenting fee on your next statement.

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