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Behold the Wonder of My Humility

October 14, 2011

Upon my weekly completion of the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle in ink, in under twenty minutes, I immediately bury it in the backyard, lest Hal at the recycling center see it by accident and feel even worse about his dyslexia, for which I am on the brink of a cure.

When visitors to my apartment inquire about the trio of Oscar statuettes on the mantel, I just shrug dismissively and say, “Oh, they hand those out to every Tom, Dick, and Harry who writes a blindingly brilliant screenplay or three.”

My brand-new Lamborghini bears a bumper sticker reading “My other car is a slightly older Lamborghini.”

When asked for my autograph, I always first inquire of the recipient which of twenty-three modern, or seven ancient, languages in which I am fluent I should use for the inscription. I also ask whether I should dot the i’s with circles, or with perfectly rendered details from Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel ceiling murals.

In pi-memorization competitions, I never go more than a thousand digits beyond the second-place winner, since there’s no point in rubbing it in.

Prior to sexual activity, I always ask my partner(s) to let me know in advance how many orgasms are desired, and of what intensity, and which of Beethoven’s thirty-two piano sonatas they would like to hear me play afterward. In this manner I can make good use of my barely spent stamina to prepare for my command performance at Buckingham Palace.

To help preserve our forests, I stopped saving copies of magazines with my photo on the cover and started storing them as digital files. While the resultant computing requirements are still outpacing Moore’s Law, I have great hopes that the cost-effective superconductor I thought up during my America’s Cup victory over the weekend may prove to be of some benefit in the near future.

I never refer to my solo ascent to the summit of K2 when discussing my solo ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, and vice versa.

After rescuing a baby from a burning house, I apologized to the parents for not wiping my feet first. When interviewed on the scene by a network reporter, I told her, “A hero ain’t nothing but a sandwich,” and bought hero sandwiches for all of the firemen, including the ones who had the night off. I also fed and burped the baby before returning home for the surprise party to celebrate the success of my Einstein-disproving perpetual motion machine.

When Mother Teresa gave me the pair of shoes she was wearing during one of my yearly pilgrimages to Calcutta, I gave her my Nobel Peace Prize medal. When she won her own in the following year, she gave it to me on my next pilgrimage. I then presented to her the remains of Alfred Nobel in a clay pot I made myself.

34 Comments leave one →
  1. October 14, 2011 3:58 am

    And I bet your mum still asks when you’re going to get a real job.

    • October 14, 2011 12:25 pm

      She means well, but sometimes the rigors of being a parent to the world’s first astronaut/Olympic medalist just wear her down.

  2. October 14, 2011 6:03 am

    I really couldn’t come up with anything to top Prettyfeet’s comment. Good post though.

    • October 14, 2011 12:26 pm

      “Good?” I was expecting something a little stronger. “Monumental,” maybe.

  3. October 14, 2011 9:14 am

    The above is impressive. Really. But, can you open a newly purchased gadget wrapped in a hard plastic container in 30 seconds or less?

    • October 14, 2011 12:28 pm

      Well, as UNESCO’s “Eco-Hero of the Millennium,” I rarely buy anything in hard plastic containers.

  4. October 14, 2011 9:43 am

    Also must follow every accomplishment with “It’s nothing. Really. No big deal (except that IT IS)”. Hilarious 🙂

    • October 14, 2011 12:29 pm

      I don’t think of them as “accomplishments” so much as just another day at the office.

  5. October 14, 2011 10:08 am

    “I always ask my partner(s)” – Ha! Subtle. I love it!

    • October 14, 2011 12:31 pm

      I also send roses, which I cultivated myself, to their mothers on the following day.

  6. October 14, 2011 10:11 am

    What kind of pie is that? I thought you liked cake better.

    • October 14, 2011 12:36 pm

      After finally discovering last week the sequence where pi begins to repeat, during a commercial break on the E! True Hollywood Story: Japey, I thought it would be amusing to dub it the “cake point.”

  7. October 14, 2011 10:54 am

    Holy Moley. I have 3 college degrees and never get more than 50 words on NYT puzzle. I think a real lesson in humility and dedication to humanity lies in Albert Schweitzer.

  8. October 14, 2011 11:51 am

    But can you keep a squirrel from a bird feeder without the use of weapons or electricity? If the answer is yes, then I’m really impressed and know that you’re tongue is so deeply buried in your cheek that you must be on an all-liquid diet. 🙂

    • October 14, 2011 12:42 pm

      Naturally. I engage the squirrel in conversation in the squirrel language (my discovery of which you can read about in Science, Vol. CXXVI, No. 4) and offer him a slice of the Linzer torte I whipped up from scratch this morning before breakfast.

  9. October 14, 2011 2:56 pm

    You drink Does Equis, don’t you?

    • October 14, 2011 3:42 pm

      I make my own. I picked up some skills from the locals during one of my archaeological digs. Nice folks.

  10. October 14, 2011 6:55 pm

    You are… the most interesting man in the world.

  11. October 15, 2011 12:27 am

    “Never go more than a thousand digits beyond the second place winner”? I’m unimpressed.

    • October 19, 2011 11:06 pm

      In practice, I actually make it five thousand, but I was just being characteristically modest.

  12. October 15, 2011 11:43 am

    Just to let you know in advance, three please, “off the richter scale” and Moonlight Sonata!

  13. October 18, 2011 6:47 pm

    I am very impressed with your humility.

    • October 19, 2011 11:03 pm

      Thanks, but I think I should have set “humility” in larger type.

  14. October 19, 2011 8:39 pm

    & what was category was your Nobel Prize in? (Please say economics….)

    • October 19, 2011 11:05 pm

      “Sexiest Blogger Alive.” Since I was the one who actually discovered this obscure provision in a lesser-known section of Alfred Nobel’s will, they decided to make me the first honoree.

  15. October 20, 2011 4:46 am

    I’d just like to say how much fun it has been being your tutor, mentor, and spiritual guide for all these years. You’ve been one of my best protégés.

  16. Margie permalink
    October 21, 2011 12:15 pm

    I bet your Annual Christmas Letter to your 15,000 closest friends is quite inspiring…

    • October 24, 2011 11:48 pm

      Not to mention 8 days of Hanukkah presents times 25,000 … do the math.

  17. newauthoronamazon permalink
    October 30, 2011 5:37 am

    This is my first time reading you and though I am a writer too ..your kind of humor is kinda mind boggling. I must admit that I have personally known quite a few characters like you while growing up and come to think of it .. they were all of the male gender.

    • October 30, 2011 9:40 pm

      I must admit that I have personally known quite a few characters like you while growing up and come to think of it .. they were all of the male gender.

      I think you’ve misjudged me. I’m just a Weimaraner who can type.

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