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Find the Clique that Clicks for You

November 6, 2011

Uh-oh. Now that the school year is well underway, all the good cliques are taken. If the social strata of high school were represented by a cup of piping hot, foamy cappucino, you’d be left with the gritty dregs. Starbucks is closed to the likes of you, socially speaking, and you’ll be lucky if you can score a lukewarm paper cup of vending-machine decaf. This is no time to be picky. Just pray that one of the following will still accept you into their ranks, and dump in plenty of sugar.

Miniature Golf Jocks
Pros: You get a varsity jacket with a tiny windmill above crossed putters on the back
Cons: Everything about them is small, ladies

4-H Satanists
Pros: Cute goats to raise, then sacrifice
Cons: Lots of bad pubescent poetry rhyming “cloven hoof” with “coven roof”

Knitting Punks
Pros: Knitting needles can be worn as ear, nose, and tongue jewelry when not in use
Cons: Mosh pits are hell on cashmere

The Poplar Kids
Pros: Sponsorship by the local lumberyard
Cons: Poor at spelling, worse at proofreading

Workout Nerds
Pros: The stereotypes of lunkheaded muscularity and extreme social ineptitude meet at last: trigonometry homework is pummeled, sounds of exertion while dead-lifting are grunted in Klingon
Cons: Considerable expense for the replacement of broken eyeglasses and torn pocket protectors after episodes of ’roid rage

Drama Club Club
Pros: Members carry around large wooden bats emblazoned with quotes from William Shakespeare, Eugene O’Neill, and David Mamet
Cons: This is pretty much all that happens in DCC, except for the annual car wash, which funds the repair and replacement of excessively worn clubs

Scrabble Cheerleaders
Pros: With each cheerleader wearing a different varsity letter, participants can spell out a wide variety of anagrammatic messages during human-pyramid formations
Cons: Endless “nice rack” jokes from fellow students; the chance that you might get stuck with Q at the end of the school year

Origami Goths
Pros: Learn to fold morose cranes, cynical sailboats, and morbid cubes from black construction paper
Cons: Our whole freakin’ conformist society is a con, man. Here. I made you a dead elephant.

The No Debate Team
Pros: Complete agreement on all points; everyone gets a “Unanimity Rulz” T-shirt; practice matches generally last under 20 seconds
Cons: Regularly victimized by members of the Society of Contentious Quakers

Junior Republican Burnouts
Pros: Weekly talking-point discussions on the future of conservatism in America behind the 7-11; envelope-stuffing for vulnerable GOP congressional incumbents while “hotboxing” in a red, white, and blue Volkswagen bus covered in NRA and “America: Love It or Leave It” stickers; circulating petitions at Phish concerts to have Ronald Reagan carved onto Mount Rushmore
Cons: Troubling philosophical quandary on legalization of marijuana; rumors of busts by undercover cops disguised as “job creators”; chronic lateness means they will likely show up to vote 3 hours after the polls have closed

29 Comments leave one →
  1. November 6, 2011 11:40 pm

    Just came across this post, I love it!

    If I had to pick, I’d have to go with scrabble cheerleader.

    • November 7, 2011 11:09 pm

      I’d have to go with scrabble cheerleader.

      The great thing about dating a Scrabble cheerleader is the ever-present possibility of a triple score.

  2. November 6, 2011 11:54 pm

    I love the goth origami- here’s a dead elephant? funny! I like the Junior Republican Burnout Cons. Hilarious- 🙂

    • November 7, 2011 11:06 pm

      You should meet a Goth Junior Republican sometime. They won’t shut up about the need for a smaller government with fewer vampires.

  3. November 7, 2011 12:07 am

    I was on an intramural backgammon team in college (don’t judge! It was a long time ago). Our team had the distinction of being the only one in the league with cheerleaders. In retrospect, Scrabble cheerleaders would have been less lame.

    • November 7, 2011 11:00 pm

      The interesting thing about backgammon cheerleaders is that they have checkerboards on their backs.

  4. willieparker permalink
    November 7, 2011 12:52 am

    I smell smoke!

  5. November 7, 2011 6:03 am

    Did you go to my high school?

    • November 7, 2011 10:55 pm

      Nah. I decided to skip the middleman and go right from junior high to the counter at Arby’s.

  6. November 7, 2011 10:41 am

    The “Drama Club Club” sounds like my kinda group as they combine my love of literature with my love of senseless violence. Perfect!

    • November 7, 2011 10:54 pm

      I also recommend beatings with a sock filled with copies of The DaVinci Code, which takes care of the senseless part.

  7. November 7, 2011 1:48 pm

    Love the “Poplar Kids”–very clever, or should I say, cleaver? 😉

    I thought a Procrastinators Club would be good–they’d never meet, but have great intentions…

    • November 7, 2011 10:51 pm

      Actually, they’d meet the night before the organizational charter was due, pull an all-nighter, and make it to the office the next morning, disheveled and unshowered, with one minute to spare.

  8. November 7, 2011 3:02 pm

    Having survived an academic institution full of the usual cliched clicks, your clubs certainly would have spiced things up.

    However, I must admit I’m most interested in Lorna’s Procrastinators Club — that’s a club I could have been the president of!

    • November 7, 2011 10:44 pm

      That’s right, “could have.” If you hadn’t spent all day watching Lifetime movies.

  9. November 7, 2011 4:08 pm

    OH MY GOD! My people! I have found them! Where can I meet up with the Junior Republican Burnouts??

  10. November 7, 2011 4:19 pm

    No Debate Club: “My first contention is that my opponent and I are both wonderful people who make excellent points. My second contention is that sharing is caring. I now stand open for cross-examination.”

    • November 7, 2011 10:41 pm

      My second contention is that sharing is caring.

      See, here’s where we diverge. I’ve always subscribed to the expensive-gifts-are-caring school of thought. But you wouldn’t understand this. Oh, and “thanks” for the birthday card.

  11. November 8, 2011 11:09 pm

    Love the R elephant with bong. It’s true. We’re all “experienced” as Jimi Hendrix put it and won’t admit it.

    • November 9, 2011 9:26 am

      The line Jimi originally wrote was actually “Are you fiscally conservative?,” but then he decided, No, he wasn’t, and sparked up with some morally casual Vassar girls.

  12. November 9, 2011 4:03 pm

    “…and you, o evil satyr of cloven hoof,
    with me into the devil’s pool dove, aloof..”

    4-H Satanists RULE!!!

    • November 13, 2011 10:16 pm

      But their taste in music is horrible. All that backwards Latin chanting, plus Billy Ray Cyrus.

  13. November 9, 2011 10:01 pm

    I was kicked out of The Origami Goths and accused of being some hipster poser. My stellated icosahedron came off as “too ironic”.

    • November 13, 2011 10:12 pm

      The Origami Goths hate stellation. It’s why they never become astronomers.

  14. November 13, 2011 4:31 pm

    Whatever you do, stay away from the Gl/Tree club. They combine their love of autotuned singing with a passion for the environment. Wish I could care about either, but I don’t.

    • November 13, 2011 10:20 pm

      Recent research claims that Auto-Tuning is actually outpacing greenhouse gases in contributing to global warning. I guess we’ll ultimately get the planet we deserve, one Kanye West single at a time.

  15. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    November 17, 2011 10:46 pm

    Hilair! (It’s a word round these parts.)

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