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Worst Punchlines Ever

December 27, 2011

“Four: one to hold the light bulb, and three to set the orphanage on fire!”

“So Helen Keller signs, ‘The Aristocrats!'”

“The Eskimo virologist says, ‘It’s a deadly new Arctic-based strain we’re calling “Cool AIDS!”’”

“‘Need Another Seven Acrobats,’ to replace the seven acrobats whose net collapsed under the weight of falling space shuttle debris!”

“And the parrot says to the bartender, ‘He’s trying to tell you that he’s going into hypoglycemic shock, and do you have any orange juice?'”

“Then the rabbi says to the priest, ‘I’m an undercover agent for the FBI, and you’re under arrest for possession and distribution of child pornography!'”

“Finally, the blonde says, ‘Sorry, I’m dyslexic, and also recovering from major back surgery. I’m doing the best I can, and just trying to fit in. Why are you being so mean?,’ and begins to weep quietly in front of the entire student body!”

Acacia peuce, a native Australian hardwood, has a specific gravity of 1.425, and therefore does not float. Other unusually dense woods with similar properties include red bauhinia (1.39), Brazilian ebony (1.25), and lignum vitae (1.25)!”


“Zipper? I hardly even know ’er, now that she’s in the advanced stages of dementia!”

“To get to the other side of the KKK rally!”

“It was originally thought that one of the crew members forgot to close the screen door, but a NATO investigation determined that an invisible stress fracture resulting from improperly annealed steel, which quickly worsened during an unusually deep dive, ultimately caused the hull to fail, sending the submarine to a watery grave in the North Sea at a depth of approximately 2,750 feet, nearly 18 hours after its departure from Gdansk, on the Polish coast!”

13 Comments leave one →
  1. December 27, 2011 10:01 pm

    Hate to tell you this, but NATO couldn’t produce investigation results like that last one. Just sayin.

    • December 27, 2011 10:06 pm

      My Polish source at NATO says different. Of course, he’s Polish, so.

  2. December 27, 2011 10:26 pm

    Yeah but it’s how Helen Keller SIGNED “The Aristocrats” that made it funny.

    I think I still have the animated GIF somewhere on my hard drive (the special external one I keep tucked away on the closet shelf) . Keep an eye out for it in your email box J.C.

  3. December 28, 2011 12:50 am

    “And then the health inspector, citing unsanitary conditions and possible exposure to salmonella and avian flu, shuts down the bar.”

  4. December 28, 2011 5:55 am

    One day 3 bars walked into a drunk…….

  5. December 28, 2011 11:19 am

    Your ‘Need Another Seven Acrobats,’ punchline is some of the finest nested quotation marks work I’ve seen on the internet. Bravo.

    • December 28, 2011 2:33 pm

      Ha! Thank you so much! Like you, I am a connoisseur of fine nested-quotation work. I have to admit to a certain sense of pride in “Cool AIDS” especially. It’s pretty rare that you legitimately need to go three layers deep. It’s the English-usage equivalent of hitting the 128th screen in Pac-Man, or taking the red pill in The Matrix..

      • December 28, 2011 3:12 pm

        I somehow missed the three layer nested quotation marks – often called the Taco Dip of English usage. Commencing slow clap.

  6. December 30, 2011 11:29 am

    Maybe your timing is off on that Acacia Peuce one, because ohhh maaaann…

  7. February 6, 2012 9:29 am

    “I said he’s a babe, Ruth, NOT Babe Ruth!”

    Er, it’s way funnier with the accompanying hand gestures….

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