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Old Years’ Resolutions

January 2, 2012

Stop wasting so much hunting-and-gathering time painting bison on the walls of my cave

Perfect my two-dimensional Egyptian walk

Tone down my slaughter-every-male-child-under-two policy to a five-minute time out

Eat more zinc lozenges before the Black Plague arrives in my village

Reorganize my moveable type

Consolidate and streamline my blaspheming to merely insisting that the earth revolves around the sun, not the other way around

Accuse, try, convict, and burn more witches

Revive the flagging pastry industry by encouraging my poverty-stricken subjects to eat cake

Forget about slowly poisoning Mozart and just stab him in the neck with a quill pen before his career overshadows mine

Read Moby Dick, then kill Moby Dick

Invent moving pictures, then invent pornographic moving pictures

Stop swallowing live goldfish to impress flappers, and just brush up on my Charleston

Stop asking the guys selling apples on the street for a nickel for a discount

Release Amelia Earhart from her decades-long imprisonment in the well I dug in the basement of my moth-filled house

Combine my interests in feminism and solving the energy crisis by developing a burning-bra-powered automobile

Give Mr. Dangerfield the respect he has so long deserved

Be a Pepper, like the commercial tells me

Upgrade my mimeograph to a dot-matrix printer

Publish a book of my secret Pac-Man patterns and retire a millionaire

Finish the job that Kristin Shepard failed at so miserably and shoot J.R. myself

Restrict my use of the word “gnarly” to objects that are, in fact, knotted and/or twisted

Restrict my use of the word “awesome” to objects that fall into the category of the Grand Canyon

Invest my entire life’s savings in macarena futures

Start a “weblog”; come up with a shorter, cooler name for “weblog,” like “eblo.”

13 Comments leave one →
  1. January 2, 2012 10:12 am

    Hahaha MUCH more interesting than my resolution to remain irresolute. I don’t like being bossed around…. by myself?

  2. January 2, 2012 11:34 am

    I am going to pay off that last credit card. No matter how much I have to buy and spend to get it paid off.

  3. January 2, 2012 12:31 pm

    20/20 hindsight. Ain’t it great? 😉

    • January 3, 2012 3:53 pm

      20/20 hindsight

      Is that like wearing glasses on your butt? Because I’m totally down with that.

  4. January 2, 2012 1:46 pm

    Sure, you could have shot J.R., but it would have turned out to be just a dream..

    • January 3, 2012 3:56 pm

      Possibly. But then I would have dressed up in an old woman’s clothes and attacked Bobby in the shower with a knife, just to finish the job Psycho style.

  5. January 2, 2012 6:53 pm

    That’s a kick-ass new header, Japecake. With mad glitter paint lettering skills like that I think you can throw out your moveable type.

    (Especially since the new plastic Letraset sheets has rendered them useless.)

    • January 2, 2012 8:18 pm

      Thanks. It’s actually Vietnamese chili sauce (see actual bottle at lower right), in recognition of my Southeastern Asian readers. Next week I’ll be saluting my Inuit followers with a logo made of seal entrails.

  6. January 3, 2012 4:57 pm

    “Eblo” is such a much nicer name than “blog.” It pleasantly rolls off the tongue instead of making you sound like you’re about to revisit your breakfast.

    Love the rooster-sauce logo!

    • January 3, 2012 8:48 pm

      I agree; “blog” is about the ugliest word spawned by the social-media revolution, unless you count “Twitterati,” which reminds me of pasta made from ground-up canaries.

      Glad you like the logo. Spelling it out with crispy spring rolls turned out to be cost-prohibitive.

  7. January 5, 2012 12:41 pm

    You may want to try the new, carbonless copy paper before you go all the way to a dot-matrix printer. Upgrading in one, fell swoop like that you are liable to get the technology bends.

  8. January 18, 2012 9:25 pm

    I started reading Moby Dick but it offered no useful advice on capturing that stubborn whale. I actually skipped ahead to the end and based on my skimming I’m pretty sure the whale lived. That’s a pretty long ‘How To’ manual for something that ultimately failed.

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