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Least Scary Gerund-Titled Horror Films

January 23, 2012

The Scolding
The Shirking
The Averaging
The Guesstimating
The Sautéeing
The Starching
The Spackling
The Chafing
The Prancing
The Presoaking
The Deicing
The Brushing-Up
The Comparing and Contrasting
The Stopping and Asking for Directions
The Spaying or Neutering
The Upholstering II: The Reupholstering

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20 Comments leave one →
  1. January 23, 2012 5:30 pm

    I love it. Very original.

    • January 24, 2012 9:48 am

      Thank you. I thought it was high time someone turned those uppity verbs into nouns.

      • January 24, 2012 1:04 pm

        That sounds like it could be a line from The Gerunding. Haha! Just kidding! Don’t mind me while I slowly and casually back out of the room.

  2. January 23, 2012 6:52 pm

    Oh, man — I can’t believe I almost missed National Parallelogram Month! The parallelogram is my third-favorite polygon.

  3. January 23, 2012 8:37 pm

    A big fan of Highlander II are we?

    • January 23, 2012 10:25 pm

      Ha! Your comment made me laugh because I have never seen any (either?) of the “Highlander” movies. (Please to explain the reference?) However, during a memorable stint as a substitute teacher, during which my hair was quite long (well-past-shoulder length), my students nicknamed me “Highlander,” evidently drawing a comparison to the main character’s luxuriant tresses.

      • January 23, 2012 11:25 pm

        I loved the first one, but the second one was gawd-awful – Highlander II: The Quickening. Yeah, I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean, either.

        Now, I’m picturing your cherubic-faced little cartoon with long flowing hair and the pen replaced with a Celtic long sword. It’s an interesting image.

      • January 24, 2012 9:31 am

        I smell a Photoshop challenge.

    • January 28, 2012 11:34 am

      That was my immediate thought. There may be no more wonderfully awful title than “The Quickening”

  4. January 24, 2012 12:07 am

    These still seem a bit scary. I’m gonna stick with Pronoun-TItled Horror Films.

    • January 24, 2012 9:26 am

      I’m pretty sure there actually is a film titled Them. And I guess if you count Stephen King – based miniseries, there’s always It. But what I’d really like to see is Thou: The Quaker Strangler.

  5. January 24, 2012 4:57 am

    The Reupholstering…brilliant stuff

  6. January 24, 2012 12:56 pm

    I still have nightmares about the protagonist of that film – Naugahyde (insert theatrical shudder).

  7. January 25, 2012 10:24 am

    Guess I’m out of the loop on the one. Nice to see you back, though…

  8. January 25, 2012 11:52 pm

    The Garnishing is a real horror show, happens every paycheck to some folks I know. It freaks them out every time.

  9. January 31, 2012 11:47 pm

    I wish I’d seen the first The Upholstering before seeing The Upholstering II. There were so many plot details I didn’t understand about reupholstering that I assume were explained in the first movie.

    • February 6, 2012 8:39 pm

      See, in the first one, the tack hammer is a metaphor for the work ethic of struggling immigrants in America at the turn of the twentieth century, but in the second one, it’s how the upholsterer finishes off Topless Coed No. 3.

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