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Ways in Which Opinions Are Unlike Assholes

April 25, 2012

“Opinions are like assholes: everybody has one.”—Anonymous 

Burning and itching are sensations rarely associated with opinions.

The New York Times does not have an asshole page.

A “high opinion” is an expression of esteem, while a “high asshole” is a medical anomaly requiring surgery.

The way you feel about something is not a “matter of asshole,” unless that something is assholes, in which case you are entitled to your asshole.

If you are abducted and taken aboard an alien spacecraft, your opinion is unlikely to be probed.

The Supreme Court does not issue majority assholes, though assholes may constitute the majority.

Irate drivers do not shout “Opinion!” when you cut them off.

Playing “opinion” or “asshole” as the first word in a game of Scrabble will earn you 50 bonus points, so in that way they are alike.

Opinion is often measured through polls, while a standard ruler works fine for assholes.

The phrase “in my opinion” enjoys widespread use among the general population, while “in my asshole” is most often employed by somewhat embarrassed emergency-room patients.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. April 25, 2012 6:34 am

    Despite its less than glamorous existence, people seldom refer to their assholes as “humble”

    • April 25, 2012 9:40 am

      Agreed. In my experience, humble:opinion::arrogant:asshole. Assholes just want you to know how great they are, even if, in the end, they’re just full of … well, some things are better left unsaid, IMHA.

  2. April 25, 2012 9:25 am

    Funny stuff!

  3. April 25, 2012 9:48 am

    I would think aliens might be more excited to probe opinions than assholes, given the choice. A fairly generic tube of fecal matter vs. “So, your species spends a lot of time watching other people pretend to have adventures. Any thoughts?”

    • April 25, 2012 11:01 am

      You may be right. I should have been more suspicious during my own probing when one of the aliens’ cell phones started to ring.

      • April 25, 2012 11:15 am

        “Wassup. Yeah. Yeah. Not much. Probing. Nah, nothing interesting. Guy could eat more fiber, but other than that… what? Hahahaha! I should totally do that. Quit squirming! Huh? No, not you. Ah, I better go.”

  4. April 25, 2012 3:38 pm

    outhouse opinions ?

  5. April 26, 2012 1:11 am

    It may be prudent to get a second opinion but rarely to get a second asshole.

  6. April 28, 2012 12:36 pm

    Very clever, in my opinion!

  7. May 2, 2012 11:43 am

    The embarassed ER patient’s widespread use is what landed them there in the first place. “in my opinion”.

  8. May 6, 2012 10:34 am

    “I had somewhat more to say upon this part of the subject but the post is just going, which forces me in great haste to conclude, Sir,…” ( Jonathan Swift, “Mechanical operation of the spirit”)
    Breathing keeps you fit and active but thinking hurts…

  9. June 2, 2012 1:07 pm

    What a coincidence! I just watched The Dead Pool last night in which Dirty Harry actually said “Opinions are like assholes: everybody has one.”!

  10. June 2, 2012 1:52 pm

    It made a bigger impact on me when the Mother Superior in The Sound of Music said it.


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