Ways in Which Opinions Are Unlike Assholes

“Opinions are like assholes: everybody has one.”—Anonymous 

Burning and itching are sensations rarely associated with opinions.

The New York Times does not have an asshole page.

A “high opinion” is an expression of esteem, while a “high asshole” is a medical anomaly requiring surgery.

The way you feel about something is not a “matter of asshole,” unless that something is assholes, in which case you are entitled to your asshole.

If you are abducted and taken aboard an alien spacecraft, your opinion is unlikely to be probed.

The Supreme Court does not issue majority assholes, though assholes may constitute the majority.

Irate drivers do not shout “Opinion!” when you cut them off.

Playing “opinion” or “asshole” as the first word in a game of Scrabble will earn you 50 bonus points, so in that way they are alike.

Opinion is often measured through polls, while a standard ruler works fine for assholes.

The phrase “in my opinion” enjoys widespread use among the general population, while “in my asshole” is most often employed by somewhat embarrassed emergency-room patients.