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Battleship (in Theaters May 18): The Complete Original Screenplay

May 17, 2012

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Tyler
Brody
Tyler’s Mom

INTERIOR: TYLER’S BASEMENT
TYLER and BRODY sit cross-legged on a worn shag rug

TYLER
A-7.

BRODY
Miss! F-4.

TYLER
Miss! B-7.

BRODY
Miss! J-10.

TYLER
Miss! C-7.

BRODY
Miss! A-4.

TYLER
Miss! D-7.

BRODY
Miss! F-2.

TYLER
Miss! E-7.

BRODY
Miss! G-9.

TYLER
Miss! F-7.

BRODY
Miss! B-1.

TYLER
Miss!

TYLER’S MOM [from top of stairs]
Tyler!

TYLER [exasperated]
Ma, what?!

TYLER’S MOM
Don’t you take that tone with me, young man! Is your homework done?

TYLER
I told you, Ma. We don’t have any homework this week. It’s test-prep week.

[Pause]

TYLER’S MOM
So, if I call up Mrs. Gillette and ask her if you have any homework, what is she going to tell me?

TYLER
That we don’t have any homework this week. It’s test-prep week.

[Pause]

TYLER’S MOM
Who’s down there with you?

TYLER
It’s Brody.

BRODY
Hi, Mrs. P.

TYLER’S MOM
Hello, Brody.
[Pause]
What are you boys doing?

TYLER
Nothing, Ma. We’re just hanging out. Can Brody stay for dinner?

[Pause]

TYLER’S MOM
Brody already had dinner with us twice this week, Tyler. I think Brody should eat at home tonight. I’m sorry, Brody.

BRODY
No problem, Mrs. P.

TYLER’S MOM
Did you clean out the ferret cage?

TYLER
I’m going to do it after dinner.

TYLER’S MOM
We talked about this, Tyler. You promised that if we let you get a ferret, you would take care of it.

TYLER
Christ, Ma, I said I’m doing it after dinner!

TYLER’S MOM
Oh, I don’t like that attitude at all, mister! What kind of people have you been hanging around?

TYLER
No one, Ma!

TYLER’S MOM
Because in this house, we don’t have that kind of backtalk.
[Pause]
Did you send your aunt a thank-you note for the sweater?

TYLER [shaking head “no” at Brody]
Yes, Ma.

[Long pause]

TYLER’S MOM
Are you boys smoking?

TYLER No, Ma.

[Long pause]

TYLER’S MOM
I want you to turn off the sprinkler and coil the hose before dinner.

TYLER
Yes, Ma.

TYLER’S MOM
We’re eating at six.

TYLER
Yes, Ma.

TYLER’S MOM
It’s lasagne.

TYLER
Okay, Ma.

[Long pause]

BRODY
Bye, Mrs. P.

TYLER’S MOM
Goodbye, Brody.

[Pause]

TYLER
G-7.

BRODY
Miss! E-5.

TYLER
Miss! H-7.

BRODY
Miss! A-3.

TYLER
Miss! I-7

BRODY
Miss! H-8.

TYLER
Miss! J-7

BRODY
Miss!
[Pause]
Are you sure we’re playing this right?

TYLER
It used to be my dad’s. He said it was fun. A-8.

BRODY
Miss! D-9.

TYLER
Miss! B-8.

BRODY
Miss! C-4.

TYLER
Miss! C-8.

BRODY
Miss! I-1.

TYLER
Miss.
[Pause]
You want to play Wii?

BRODY
Yeah.

THEY EXIT.

FIN

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. May 17, 2012 9:54 pm

    Wow, that is all I can say…what an impressive dialogue. Really, it is as if Shakespear met the Beetles in some kind of sick, twisted orgy, and they were so worn out after that they couldn’t think of anything to write. Great job! 😉

    • May 17, 2012 10:17 pm

      You should have seen my award-winning “Twister”-themed drama, Right Foot Green, Left Hand Red.

      • May 17, 2012 10:22 pm

        Maybe you should make a whole series of mediocre game themed posts.

  2. egghead23 permalink
    May 17, 2012 10:40 pm

    Reblogged this on egghead23's world.

  3. May 17, 2012 10:52 pm

    i havent thought about that game in decades! so funny!

  4. June 2, 2012 1:18 pm

    When will this be out on DVD?

  5. June 2, 2012 1:54 pm

    As soon as we’re done recording the extra features, including Tyler’s mom’s lasagne recipe.

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