Battleship (in Theaters May 18): The Complete Original Screenplay

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Tyler
Brody
Tyler’s Mom

INTERIOR: TYLER’S BASEMENT
TYLER and BRODY sit cross-legged on a worn shag rug

TYLER
A-7.

BRODY
Miss! F-4.

TYLER
Miss! B-7.

BRODY
Miss! J-10.

TYLER
Miss! C-7.

BRODY
Miss! A-4.

TYLER
Miss! D-7.

BRODY
Miss! F-2.

TYLER
Miss! E-7.

BRODY
Miss! G-9.

TYLER
Miss! F-7.

BRODY
Miss! B-1.

TYLER
Miss!

TYLER’S MOM [from top of stairs]
Tyler!

TYLER [exasperated]
Ma, what?!

TYLER’S MOM
Don’t you take that tone with me, young man! Is your homework done?

TYLER
I told you, Ma. We don’t have any homework this week. It’s test-prep week.

[Pause]

TYLER’S MOM
So, if I call up Mrs. Gillette and ask her if you have any homework, what is she going to tell me?

TYLER
That we don’t have any homework this week. It’s test-prep week.

[Pause]

TYLER’S MOM
Who’s down there with you?

TYLER
It’s Brody.

BRODY
Hi, Mrs. P.

TYLER’S MOM
Hello, Brody.
[Pause]
What are you boys doing?

TYLER
Nothing, Ma. We’re just hanging out. Can Brody stay for dinner?

[Pause]

TYLER’S MOM
Brody already had dinner with us twice this week, Tyler. I think Brody should eat at home tonight. I’m sorry, Brody.

BRODY
No problem, Mrs. P.

TYLER’S MOM
Did you clean out the ferret cage?

TYLER
I’m going to do it after dinner.

TYLER’S MOM
We talked about this, Tyler. You promised that if we let you get a ferret, you would take care of it.

TYLER
Christ, Ma, I said I’m doing it after dinner!

TYLER’S MOM
Oh, I don’t like that attitude at all, mister! What kind of people have you been hanging around?

TYLER
No one, Ma!

TYLER’S MOM
Because in this house, we don’t have that kind of backtalk.
[Pause]
Did you send your aunt a thank-you note for the sweater?

TYLER [shaking head “no” at Brody]
Yes, Ma.

[Long pause]

TYLER’S MOM
Are you boys smoking?

TYLER No, Ma.

[Long pause]

TYLER’S MOM
I want you to turn off the sprinkler and coil the hose before dinner.

TYLER
Yes, Ma.

TYLER’S MOM
We’re eating at six.

TYLER
Yes, Ma.

TYLER’S MOM
It’s lasagne.

TYLER
Okay, Ma.

[Long pause]

BRODY
Bye, Mrs. P.

TYLER’S MOM
Goodbye, Brody.

[Pause]

TYLER
G-7.

BRODY
Miss! E-5.

TYLER
Miss! H-7.

BRODY
Miss! A-3.

TYLER
Miss! I-7

BRODY
Miss! H-8.

TYLER
Miss! J-7

BRODY
Miss!
[Pause]
Are you sure we’re playing this right?

TYLER
It used to be my dad’s. He said it was fun. A-8.

BRODY
Miss! D-9.

TYLER
Miss! B-8.

BRODY
Miss! C-4.

TYLER
Miss! C-8.

BRODY
Miss! I-1.

TYLER
Miss.
[Pause]
You want to play Wii?

BRODY
Yeah.

THEY EXIT.

FIN