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Modern Driving Etiquette

May 31, 2012

As you wait to pull out from a driveway and a driver waves you into his lane, the correct gesture of courtesy is to send a floral arrangement with a brief but sincere handwritten note of thanks, a tastefully engraved pen-and-pencil set, and an invitation to join you for an afternoon of tennis and cocktails at the country club.

The customary tip for tollbooth attendants is 15%, or 20% for particularly outstanding change-making.

When crashing your vehicle through an urban open-air produce stand, action-movie style, aim for the cantaloupe, which will only get picked out of the fruit salad anyway.

If you come up to a railroad crossing as a train is approaching, exit your vehicle, get a running start, hop aboard an open boxcar, and leave behind your former materialistic lifestyle for one of complete freedom and beans heated in the can.

Upon entering tunnels, be sure to inform the passengers in the car that the tunnel is a symbol, and that symbol is a vagina.

While drinking and driving, perhaps no offense is more grievous than allowing the cork to break before it is fully extracted. Grip the neck of the bottle in one hand, apply the corkscrew with the other, and pull with firm, steady pressure. As you pour, continue to drive using your knee on the bottom radius of the steering wheel.

Hit-and-run charges can be automatically nullified in a court of law by, instead of running, simply leaving the scene of an accident at a brisk stroll.

As a result of the Coriolis effect, Chinese fire drills at intersections in North America are generally run in a counterclockwise direction, while those in the southern hemisphere are run clockwise. In China, fire drills have been banned altogether through the efforts of the corrupt and powerful arsonists’ lobby.

Per the bumper sticker, unless you’re a hemorrhoid, get off my ass. If you are a hemorrhoid, welcome. Let me know if there’s any way I can make your stay more enjoyable.

Gracious drivers will offer lozenges and tea with honey to their GPS voices at each rest stop. Gracious GPS voices will, in turn, refrain from broaching personal subjects or hawking up loogies in the car.

When four drivers approach a four-way intersection at the same time, only one must come out alive.

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Except your prospects for happiness and fulfillment, which are considerably more distant.

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16 Comments leave one →
  1. May 31, 2012 11:34 pm

    It shows great hospitality to be so welcoming to hemorrhoids

    • June 1, 2012 8:14 am

      Preparation H just isn’t enough. What about the other 25 Preparations?

  2. May 31, 2012 11:39 pm

    So funny, great sense of humor!

  3. June 1, 2012 12:08 am

    I had no idea. Thanks for the tips.

    • June 1, 2012 8:15 am

      I take it you haven’t been adequately tipping your tollbooth attendants up till now.

      • June 1, 2012 10:19 am

        Sorry. I should probably write them all apology notes.

      • June 2, 2012 1:23 pm

        But just what is the procedure for tipping when you go through one of those automated transponder/licence plate reader toll plazas?

  4. June 1, 2012 7:51 am

    This makes me want to get a bike… with a Hemorrhoid bumper sticker on the back 🙂

    • June 1, 2012 8:17 am

      One wonders if this is a burning (and/or itching) desire of yours.

  5. June 1, 2012 9:33 am

    Awesome post! Thanks!

  6. June 1, 2012 10:37 am

    Not only are your prospects for happiness and fulfillment considerably farther than they look, they show up in the mirror because they are all behind you.

  7. June 2, 2012 4:51 am

    Thank you so much for this. It’s disgusting what some people will do in their cars. Just the other day I saw a driver put a red wine glass in his white wine cupholder.

    • June 2, 2012 9:39 am

      Exactly. And never forget: red goes with unleaded, white with diesel.

  8. June 10, 2012 9:26 am

    Words to live by. It can get a little dicey when the toll is to allow one to get through a tunnel. Paying up front is necessary, but seems classless. I feel so cheap afterwards.

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