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The Amazing Man-Spider: A Pitch for the Next Superhero Blockbuster

July 11, 2012

ORIGIN STORY
One day, Charles McElroy, an ordinary, mild-mannered spider residing in a corner of a bathroom, was suddenly engulfed in a toxic cloud of Axe deodorant body spray. As a tingling sensation radiated throughout his body, he slowly came to realize that he had been mysteriously endowed with extraordinary powers—the powers of a man. What was once merely a spider had become . . . THE AMAZING MAN-SPIDER.

EXTRAORDINARY POWERS

  • Mowing the lawn
  • Making pancakes
  • Air guitar
  • Wii tennis
  • Skee-Ball
  • Whack-a-Mole
  • Correctly setting the DVR to record the Pawn Stars marathon
  • Jiggling the handle to stop the toilet from running
  • Completing the People magazine crossword
  • Doing mediocre impressions of Jack Nicholson and Christopher Walken to mild comic effect
  • Throwing M&Ms into air and catching in mouth
  • That thing from old gangster movies where you rotate a half dollar around each of your fingers legs
  • High-fiving eighting his buddies each time the Red Wings score a goal
  • Speed-dialing during radio call-in contests
  • Doing weird double-jointy thing for the amusement of nieces and nephews

VULNERABILITIES (PREVIOUS)

  • Raid
  • Brooms
  • Rolled-up magazines
  • Extra-long vacuum cleaner attachments

VULNERABILITIES (NEW)

  • Food poisoning (under-refrigerated egg salad)
  • Hernia (not lifting from the legs)
  • Plaque (inadequate brushing habits)
  • High cholesterol (too much egg salad, bad genes)
  • Tendonitis (awkward Wii tennis technique, incorrect typing posture)
  • Poor performance review at work (excess internet surfing on company time)
  • Making a fool of himself (trying to appear knowledgeable to the cashier at Auto Zone)
  • Having to make a second trip to Home Depot (from “eyeballing” instead of using tape measure)
  • Flatulence (too much egg salad, simple rudeness)

NICKNAMES AND ALIASES

  • Charlie
  • Chuck
  • Chaz
  • Chip
  • Cha-Cha
  • Mac
  • The Earl of Hurl (bestowed by frat brothers)
  • Arach-nerd
  • Octo-dork

COSTUME

  • Eight-legged Dockers for work (khaki, navy blue); paint-spattered sweatpants at home
  • T-shirt (“Hard Rock Cafe Key West”; “Take Me Drunk, I’m Home”; “Female Body Inspector”; tattered, faded “Be a Pepper” hand-me-down)
  • Factory-second Nikes from the outlet store
  • Baseball cap with prominently curled bill (worn backwards)
  • Gold chain with shark-tooth pendant
  • Timex Indiglo watch

SIGNIFICANT OTHER(S)

  • High-school sweetheart whom he knocked up and married at 19, so that she had to drop out of community college 22 credits short of her Associate Degree in Medical Billing
  • This chick

SAMPLE SNAPPY DIALOGUE

  • “Donna, where’s the number for the muffler place?”
  • “Fuckin’ A!”
  • “Does that come with soup and salad?”
  • [Sarcastically] “Cool story, bro!”
  • “That one’s too scratchy. Get some Ultra Downy instead.”
  • “Because I’m the daddy, and I said so!”
  • “I gotta go, Randy. Dinner’s ready.”
  • [Alone in car, sung in falsetto along with radio] “Rumor has it . . . rumor has it. . . .”
  • “That one’s too scratchy. Get some Cottonelle instead.”

ADVERTISING TAGLINES

  • “You want FLIES with that?!”
  • “Arthropod imitates life!”
  • “Half man, half mandible, all American!”
  • “Creepy . . . crawly . . . Caucasian!”
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15 Comments leave one →
  1. July 11, 2012 1:24 pm

    I had originally thought that my egg salad tasted a little “off” because it had sat on the counter too long, but I now beleive there may have been a spider in it, wearing khakis.

    Excellent as always.

    • July 11, 2012 3:04 pm

      Or maybe you’ve just been using generic mayonnaise instead of the tangy zip of Miracle Whip®, the bread spread from Kraft.

      • July 11, 2012 3:30 pm

        While I appreciate your unwavering loyalty to your sponsors, gourmands such as myself would no sooner eat Miracle Whip than dunk a donut in our Malbec.

      • July 11, 2012 7:06 pm

        Pssh. Everyone knows you pair donuts with white, not red.

      • July 11, 2012 7:11 pm

        I rest my case.

  2. July 11, 2012 2:31 pm

    “Look out, Man-Spider! It’s the sinister Octopus, MD!”

    • July 11, 2012 3:04 pm

      Don’t let him fool you. He’s just a male nurse.

      • beefhearts permalink
        July 12, 2012 11:42 am

        Nurse Practitioner. Have some respect.

    • September 5, 2012 12:13 pm

      So where’s the sequel when Man-Spider and Man-Bat join forces to fight evil?

      • September 5, 2012 5:21 pm

        Coming soon. Incidentally, Man-Bat prefers bloody marys to blood. But once they team up, they’ll be fighting some tough customers.

  3. July 12, 2012 4:47 pm

    Don’t forget Chaz’ new mastery of the remote control. That’s sure to come in handy for saving mankind one of these days.

    • July 16, 2012 12:02 am

      I’m pretty sure that the only reason you left that comment was to have an excuse to use the z-apostrophe (z’). It’s like watching an odometer turn over to 100,000.

      • July 16, 2012 2:26 pm

        No, I left that comment to be funny. I almost did NOT leave it because of my z vs z’ vs zs vs z’s vs zes usage anxiety. But my therapist says I need to try new things and it was this or bungee-jumping.

  4. July 12, 2012 8:33 pm

    I bet Nick Fury won’t be calling Man-Spider any time soon.

    • July 12, 2012 11:06 pm

      No kidding. Fury shrieks like a teenage girl and calls his wife whenever there’s a spider to be killed.

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