The Amazing Man-Spider: A Pitch for the Next Superhero Blockbuster

ORIGIN STORY
One day, Charles McElroy, an ordinary, mild-mannered spider residing in a corner of a bathroom, was suddenly engulfed in a toxic cloud of Axe deodorant body spray. As a tingling sensation radiated throughout his body, he slowly came to realize that he had been mysteriously endowed with extraordinary powers—the powers of a man. What was once merely a spider had become . . . THE AMAZING MAN-SPIDER.

EXTRAORDINARY POWERS

• Mowing the lawn
• Making pancakes
• Air guitar
• Wii tennis
• Skee-Ball
• Whack-a-Mole
• Correctly setting the DVR to record the Pawn Stars marathon
• Jiggling the handle to stop the toilet from running
• Completing the People magazine crossword
• Doing mediocre impressions of Jack Nicholson and Christopher Walken to mild comic effect
• Throwing M&Ms into air and catching in mouth
• That thing from old gangster movies where you rotate a half dollar around each of your fingers legs
• High-fiving eighting his buddies each time the Red Wings score a goal
• Speed-dialing during radio call-in contests
• Doing weird double-jointy thing for the amusement of nieces and nephews

VULNERABILITIES (PREVIOUS)

• Raid
• Brooms
• Rolled-up magazines
• Extra-long vacuum cleaner attachments

VULNERABILITIES (NEW)

• Food poisoning (under-refrigerated egg salad)
• Hernia (not lifting from the legs)
• Plaque (inadequate brushing habits)
• High cholesterol (too much egg salad, bad genes)
• Tendonitis (awkward Wii tennis technique, incorrect typing posture)
• Poor performance review at work (excess internet surfing on company time)
• Making a fool of himself (trying to appear knowledgeable to the cashier at Auto Zone)
• Having to make a second trip to Home Depot (from “eyeballing” instead of using tape measure)
• Flatulence (too much egg salad, simple rudeness)

NICKNAMES AND ALIASES

• Charlie
• Chuck
• Chaz
• Chip
• Cha-Cha
• Mac
• The Earl of Hurl (bestowed by frat brothers)
• Arach-nerd
• Octo-dork

COSTUME

• Eight-legged Dockers for work (khaki, navy blue); paint-spattered sweatpants at home
• T-shirt (“Hard Rock Cafe Key West”; “Take Me Drunk, I’m Home”; “Female Body Inspector”; tattered, faded “Be a Pepper” hand-me-down)
• Factory-second Nikes from the outlet store
• Baseball cap with prominently curled bill (worn backwards)
• Gold chain with shark-tooth pendant
• Timex Indiglo watch

SIGNIFICANT OTHER(S)

• High-school sweetheart whom he knocked up and married at 19, so that she had to drop out of community college 22 credits short of her Associate Degree in Medical Billing
• This chick

SAMPLE SNAPPY DIALOGUE

• “Donna, where’s the number for the muffler place?”
• “Fuckin’ A!”
• “Does that come with soup and salad?”
• [Sarcastically] “Cool story, bro!”
• “That one’s too scratchy. Get some Ultra Downy instead.”
• “Because I’m the daddy, and I said so!”
• “I gotta go, Randy. Dinner’s ready.”
• [Alone in car, sung in falsetto along with radio] “Rumor has it . . . rumor has it. . . .”
• “That one’s too scratchy. Get some Cottonelle instead.”

ADVERTISING TAGLINES

• “You want FLIES with that?!”
• “Arthropod imitates life!”
• “Half man, half mandible, all American!”
• “Creepy . . . crawly . . . Caucasian!”