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Cliptopia, Your Ultimate Paperclip Dyna-Mart: Selections from the Summer Catalog

August 8, 2012

The “Excelsior”

Whether slightly dented, vaguely malodorous, or otherwise not up to snuff, Excelsior factory seconds make perfect economic sense for extra-light-duty clipping, picking teeth, or bending into odd shapes during long telephone conversations. $.49 per box of 100.

 

The “Diplomat”

An inexpensive yet high-quality “starter” model for novices seeking introduction to the fundamentals of securing multiple sheets of paper. Practical, functional, and easy to use, let the Diplomat be your ambassador to the world of document-handling efficiency. $.99 per box of 100.

 

The “Eterna”

Time-tested effectiveness has earned Eterna the reputation as the go-to solution when you need more than a staple but less than a rubber band. Eterna: Your organizational tool now, your friend forever. $1.99 per box of 100.

 

The “Monticello”

Inspired by the elegant and storied private residence of America’s third president, the Monticello combines durability, versatility, and the ability to hold sheets of paper together in a single, general-use clip infused with a truly democratic spirit. $3.99 per box of 100.

 

The “Fifth Avenue”

Sleek Art Deco lines are the hallmark of this smartly styled clip, a faithful replica of the one used by F. Scott Fitzgerald on his carbon copy of This Side of Paradise. $7.99 per box of 100.

 

The “Gregory”

Cool, confident, and always ready for action, the Gregory is the classic clip for the man who knows what he wants to clip, and how to clip it. $15.99 per box of 100.

 

The “Nor’easter”

A sturdy, seaworthy clip so brisk and bracing that you can practically feel the salt spray in your face as you organize your coupons. $31.99 per box of 100.

 

The “Scheherezade”

When your longer-than-expected memorandum calls for a touch of the exotic, nothing fills the bill like the Scheherezade. Are you riding a flying carpet over the Taj Mahal, or merely rummaging through the office-supply closet? With the Scheherezade, it may be impossible to tell the difference. $63.99 per box of 100.

 

The “Diablo”

Take some wire, combine it with superior handling, and finish it off with a dose of raw power, and you have the Diablo. The Diablo: the clip to take you to Hell and back, with perfectly collated pages. $127.99 per box of 100.

 

The “Fontainebleau”

Individually forged and hand-bent from the finest Damascus steel by specially trained Bavarian artisans, the Fontainebleau represents the pinnacle of paperclip luxury in a package small enough to fit in your pocket, or at the top of your country club application. $255.99 each.

 

The “Vanguard XR-90”

A state-of-the-art clip so bold, brash, and advanced in conception that, until recently, its mere existence remained classified by order of the U.S. government. Fully stealth equipped, capable of speeds of up to Mach 2.3, and backed up by six electro-optical imaging infrared (IIR) air-to-air seeker missiles, the Vanguard XR-90 is the only clip you’ll ever need when shit’s about to go down, or your handouts for the staff meeting run to several pages. Price on request.

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20 Comments leave one →
  1. August 9, 2012 1:20 am

    As mass-market paper clips go, these are all very nice, but I have mine custom-made by a local craftsman.

    • August 9, 2012 7:00 am

      Yes, but is he Bavarian? Because serious connoisseurs know that when it comes to bespoke paperclips, “Get me a Bavarian, or get out.”

  2. August 9, 2012 1:50 am

    WHERE THE HELL IS THE BUY NOW BUTTON? I HAVE ALSO MISPLACED MY CAPS LOCK KEY.

  3. August 9, 2012 7:06 am

    In this age of the electronic office, it’s nice to see that old world craftsmanship and elegant solutions to handling multiple sheets of paper still exist. I’m looking for a Power-Jaw 3000 Deluxe Staple Remover, if you come across one.

    • August 9, 2012 7:11 am

      Pfft. This is Cliptopia, man. We don’t allow staples (or Staples) here.

  4. Charles Smith permalink
    August 9, 2012 9:05 am

    I was in the military in the 50’s working at a research facility. I suppose NOW 50 years later I can reveal we were funded to develop a SPECIAL paperclip….It’s code name was
    ‘INVIZACLIP.” I would send a picture but it’s classified!

    • August 9, 2012 10:40 pm

      Thanks for confirming my pet theory about what’s really going on at Area 51.

  5. August 9, 2012 10:40 am

    I need to study my office catalogs a bit more closely. I usually skip over the paper clip section and go right for the post-its. All the pretty colors and interesting shapes… I guess I’m just a Post-It junkie while you are so obviously a paper clip connoisseur. 😉

    • August 9, 2012 10:42 pm

      You can always tell the Post-It junkies by all the paper cuts on their arms.

      • August 10, 2012 8:41 am

        Yeah, and all the colorful stuff covering up all the important stuf they should be reading.

  6. August 9, 2012 2:26 pm

    Catalog? Meh. I don’t make any such crucial purchasing decisions without inspecting the merchandise myself.

    • August 9, 2012 10:45 pm

      That’s why we employ a network of Paperclip Ladies who throw in-home, no-obligation Paperclip Parties.

  7. August 9, 2012 4:34 pm

    Are you still taking appointments for thermosetted polyester-epoxied Vanguard clips in the matted Terra Cotta overspray?

    I hawked my share of Denmark and the cash is really burning a hole in my pocket.

    • August 9, 2012 10:51 pm

      I once traded Liechtenstein for a “limited edition” Beanie Baby that turned out to be worthless. I made some awful decisions in the ’90s.

  8. August 9, 2012 10:26 pm

    Nothing in pink?

    • August 9, 2012 11:14 pm

      You must be thinking of the “Rococo.” Unfortunately, that model has been discontinued.

  9. August 12, 2012 3:36 pm

    Yes, yes, these are all very fine and good. However, do you make a model of paperclip that doesn’t get tangled together with its box-mates?

    • August 13, 2012 2:13 pm

      You’re looking for the “Baronet”–the world’s first perfectly spherical paperclip. Currently out of stock.

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