I Now Own the Internet, and Things Are Going to Change

Several days ago, bored and in explicit violation of my parole—I was convicted in 2011 of hacking Google, which I did with a surplus Vietnam-era machete from the Army-Navy store—I found my way onto a heavily trafficked entertainment-and-gossip website. While I was there, one post inspired me to leave a mildly entertaining quip in the comments section. I can’t remember now exactly what I wrote, or what the original story was about, but I’m pretty sure it was a bit of salacious innuendo about one of those rambunctious “rock and rollers” all the kids are listening to—Shaun Cassidy, maybe, or Olivia Newton-John, the one who starred with John Travolta in XanaxDu, that movie about prescription-drug junkies on roller skates. (I can’t believe it lost Best Picture to License to Drive. Still, that Corey Haim sure is making a big splash as JFK in Stephen Sondheim’s new Lincoln movie! Yes, I am unbeatable at film trivia.)

Anyhow, one reader was sufficiently amused by my comment to comment upon my comment with a comment of her own. Her name was “H@rleygrrl” (what were her parents thinking!), and here’s what she wrote: “LOL! You win teh internetz!” At first I felt bad for her, since I knew she must be facing an uphill battle in her remedial English class, because, I mean, who misspells “the?” And, frankly, I was completely baffled by the weirdly abbreviated allusion to Lowell, Massachusetts, unless she was referring to the New England Quilt Museum, in which case I guess I should be flattered, because have you ever seen one of those New England quilts? That’s real hand-stitching!

Anyhow (again), after puzzling over this enigmatic missive from H@rleygrrl (I think it’s pronounced “hatterlygrill,” kind of pretty), I suddenly realized the significance of what she had written. I had won the internet (singular). It was mine. All mine. Needless to say, this came as something of a surprise, if not an unexpected occurrence. For years now, I’ve been quietly socking away my tips and gratuities and I.O.U.s and Camel cash (I don’t smoke, but I buy the cigarettes for the coupons) and fool’s gold (which I was going to spray paint and pass off as plutonium to those idiots at the swap meet in Pyongyang this weekend), all with the express hope, and this is where it gets spooky, of someday owning the internet. I figured it was going to take a cool six or seven hundred dollars, and I wasn’t even close yet. But now, I have clear title to the internet, and without spending a cent. Hell, I hadn’t even won anything since that $1.00 scratch-off lottery ticket in ’96, and when I redeemed it for another ticket, that ticket had a message demanding that I fork over another ten bucks to the cashier, just to teach me a lesson about wasting my money on lottery tickets.

Naturally, winning the internet has raised a number of vexing, difficult questions. Will it fit in the back of my car? Is the cap the kind you have to squeeze and press down while turning? Does it come in cool ranch flavor? Are the “extra features” actual extra features, or just the original trailer and previews of coming attractions? Is there a pop-up timer to tell me when it’s done? What if it’s a “summer” and I’m an “autumn?”

As I continue to grapple with these issues, I’ve also been giving quite a bit of thought to some other important considerations. As the new owner of the internet, the world is my candy store, like a kid in an oyster. So why shouldn’t I make a few improvements? Hope you like them.

• The internet will close between 8:00 and 10:30 P.M. EST on Thursday nights for Glow Bowling. Sign-up sheets are at the shoe rental counter.
• Censorship is now banned, except for objectionable material.
• I have decided to make the internet more inviting to kids by coating it with that spray-on chalkboard stuff from Home Depot.
  

  READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP:
  Meet the new face of cute pet videos

• The days of cats’ primacy as the internet’s favorite animal are over. The new favorite animal is the sea cucumber (see photo at right). Submit your outrageously funny sea cucumber videos at YouHolothuroidea.com.
• The internet will now come with Magic Fingers. Quarter slots will be mandatory on all new computers and hand-held devices. I get to keep the quarters.
• Statements followed by “LOL” must be accompanied by audiovisual evidence confirming that actual laughter occurred, and that it was, indeed, audible. For “LMAO,” a notarized letter from a proctologist is also required.
• All memes currently in existence are hereby declared null and void. New memes will be officially selected and approved by a committee of hummingbirds. The first new meme is “NECTAR.” The second new meme is “MORE NECTAR.”
• All pornographic film clips must now share a split screen with a sign-language interpreter.
• The sale of Nazi memorabilia is still forbidden on eBay. However, the listing of actual pre-owned Nazis is permissible under the category Collectibles→Plush Toys & Sociopathic Ideologues→Beanie Babies & Nazis→Vintage.
• The speed of Google searches will now depend upon your previous treatment of Google. If you regularly asked Google if it wanted anything when you went on a Starbucks run and listened politely every Monday morning to the breathless, protracted recap of its “crazy” weekend, your results will be returned with astonishing rapidity. However, if you curtly pretended to be on the phone or “really swamped right now” every time Google attempted to initiate some pleasant small talk at your desk, you may as well buy an encyclopedia.
• Blog posts that essentially take the form of lists are hereby prohibited.
• The winner of Twitter feuds will be determined by a committee of hummingbirds. Winners will become a meme. Losers will be processed into nectar.