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I Am About to Share the Greatest Idea Ever Conceived

January 16, 2013


I am about to share the greatest idea ever conceived. It’s an idea without peer, parallel, or precedent. It’s an idea whose time has come, has passed, and has cycled around again, twenty-nine times. It’s an idea that will not only shift paradigms, but will light them on fire and juggle them as part of a figure-skating routine to “Nadia’s Theme.” If this idea could be expressed as eBay feedback, it would be even better than FANTASTIC SELLER LOVE MY GENTLY USED SPANX A+++++++++++++++++. It’s an idea so powerful that a single drop could generate enough heat to make a Shrinky Dink for every man, woman, and child on the planet. If this idea were a man, it would be Channing Tatum doing an impression of George Clooney while wearing a Brad Pitt–circa–Thelma and Louise mask. If this idea were a woman, it would be Helen of Troy, in Spanx. The physics-bending properties of this idea are so unusual that they can make water flow uphill, cause helium-balloon avalanches, and turn black holes shocking pink, with faux-leopard throw pillows. Upon encountering this idea, bright ideas quietly slink away to join convents and monasteries in order to spend the rest of their lives contemplating the idea. Good ideas turn to a life of crime and an endless string of meaningless one-night stands. Bad ideas become worse, then become guys who sell cell-phone cases from kiosks at the mall. People  invariably insist on picking up the check when dining out with this idea, and though the idea appears to protest, it never ends up paying. This idea acts like its shit doesn’t smell, even though it does, like a combination of new car and wild strawberries, or, during the holiday season, gingerbread men wearing CK One. This idea always ends up as the owner of Park Place and Boardwalk in Monopoly, with hotels, and invariably swallows the last marble in Hungry Hungry Hippos. Oprah begged to join this idea’s book club. This idea knows what really happened at Roswell, what was in Marcellus Wallace’s briefcase in Pulp Fiction, and who Tony saw when he looked up at the last moment of the last episode of The Sopranos (newlyweds Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart). This idea scored a perfect 1600 on the SAT and finished in time to run the Boston Marathon in 2:15:09. This idea’s soufflés never fall, and its pie crusts are always flaky and light. Whenever this idea makes public appearances with Muhammad Ali, Ali is billed as “The Second Greatest.” This idea got the highest appraisal in the history of Antiques Roadshow, even though it was missing the original box. This idea is fabulous in bed, doesn’t snore afterward, and sends flowers the next day. This idea can do that dexterity trick where you rotate a half-dollar around each of your fingers in turn, only with its toes, both feet simultaneously, using wheels of brie. This idea laughs at danger, yet isn’t afraid to cry, but doesn’t. This idea waits for no man, gathers no moss, and is free of clichés. This idea uses different passwords for each site, incorporating both letters and numbers, and changes them religiously every month. This idea was born fully realized, never passing through the awkward notion stage. This idea always finishes its term papers well before the deadline, then parties when everyone else is pulling all-nighters. This idea can calculate the correct tip instantly, and always adds a little extra for outstanding service. This idea has never missed a 7–10 split. The camera actually takes ten pounds off this idea. This idea eats tacos with ease while keeping its head fully vertical. This idea has never gotten confused in the correct usage of “affect” and “effect.” An adequate superlative to describe this idea has yet to be invented, but when it is, it will no doubt be the idea’s own invention, which will also make radish roses and curly fries with consistently flawless results.

Here it is: a secured credit card for dogs, so that they can learn fiscal responsibility and build a solid credit history at the same time.

15 Comments leave one →
  1. January 16, 2013 3:11 am

    Just for dogs? That’s so racist.

    • January 16, 2013 1:11 pm

      On the contrary. All Labs are welcome–black, yellow, chocolate. But we still ain’t gonna stand for all those illegal chihuahuas crossing our borders and dealing Milk Bones to our children.

  2. January 16, 2013 3:44 am

    Bank of America agreed with you in 2005. Citibank matched them in 2006. And here we are.

    • January 16, 2013 1:15 pm

      Sometimes you gotta eat some yellow snow to make an omelet, or something like that.

  3. January 16, 2013 6:44 am

    I can hear Petsmart smacking their chops, or maybe they’re just licking themselves again.

    • January 16, 2013 1:13 pm

      Dogs charge because now they can. And earn airline miles in the process.

      • January 16, 2013 6:00 pm

        What’s the point of earning airline miles if you have to fly in the luggage compartment in a cage next to the crate with 18 human heads in it? Let’s see Alec Baldwin put a spin on that.

      • January 19, 2013 11:19 am

        It’s a real scam. They charge you $30 extra per head, including your own.

      • January 19, 2013 11:25 am

        That’s a lot to pay for a little head. Had to say it – local federation of wiseass union regs.

  4. January 16, 2013 12:07 pm

    Is it really necessary? In dog points, 150 is a pretty good credit score.

    • January 16, 2013 1:17 pm

      Yes, but so many of them just piss it all away, on the new rug in the foyer.

  5. January 17, 2013 5:26 pm

    I heard that guy in the Dos Equis commercials came up with this idea.

  6. lauraskeys permalink
    January 19, 2013 3:27 am

    Give them all credit cards. While we’re at it, let’s give them retirement plans too. Hopefully the cats won’t get too jealous.

    • January 19, 2013 11:16 am

      Timeshares for the cats. But they gotta put down a security deposit.

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