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Stay Healthy This Cold and Flu Season

January 31, 2013


If you’re feeling under the weather, stay home from school or work. If you’re already in the habit of skipping, be sure to skip an extra day later on to make up for the lost time.

Eat foods high in vitamin C. If none are available, take some vitamin B and vitamin D and hope that it averages out.

Transmission of germs during French kissing can be minimized if both partners wear a condom on the tongue. Upon completion, take a deep breath and exhale to inflate the condom, then release it suddenly to safely propel the germs to another location.

Laughter is the best medicine. So, in case of pneumonia, chuckle.

Resistance may render antibiotics ineffective, so overcome resistance with a calm, reasoned presentation of your main argument and a soothing atmosphere enhanced by soft music and candles. If the antibiotic continues to resist, offer it a cocktail.

To ensure effective hand washing after using the restroom, hum “Happy Birthday” twice. For added protection, use soap and water.

Contrary to popular belief, you will not “catch cold” as a result of wearing inadequate clothing in winter. In fact, you won’t be able to catch anything, since you were too much of a dipshit to glance at the weather forecast and prevent your hands from freezing into grotesque, contorted man-claws.

Sometimes no treatment is the the best treatment of all. At other times, this will probably cause you to die.

Avoid spreading germs by coughing into the crook of your elbow. If you lack elbows, cough into the sole of your foot. If you lack both elbows and feet, cough wherever you want. You already have enough problems.

Warm water with honey and lemon can help ease a sore throat. It’s also the perfect thing to ask the waitress for if you’re too cheap to order an actual beverage.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So don’t try to pull that shit where you charge me for a full pound but mess with the scale and give me only 12 ounces and then distract me by saying “Yo, yo, yo, check it out, check it out” as you show me your new tattoo of Charlie Brown and Lucy “doing it.”

Folk wisdom suggests that you should feed a fever and starve a cold. However, folk wisdom is always sticking its nose in other people’s business, even while its own marriage is falling apart, so feel free to ignore anything it has to say.

11 Comments leave one →
  1. January 31, 2013 10:34 pm

    This is absolutely hilarious! Thank you.

  2. January 31, 2013 11:05 pm

    I liked this. It is practical and I find nothing to contradict. So listen up readers! LOL

    • February 1, 2013 2:16 pm

      Thanks for the vote of confidence. It means a lot after being barred from practicing medicine in 49 states (North Dakota is very lax).

  3. February 1, 2013 1:44 am

    Just the advice I needed! Always had problems with my lack of elbows

  4. February 1, 2013 11:00 am

    I thought resistance was futile.

    That Charlie Brown/Lucy tattoo part was disturbingly specific. Just sayin’.

    • February 1, 2013 2:24 pm

      I almost went with Peppermint Patty and Marcy. “It gets better!”

      • February 1, 2013 7:12 pm

        Oh. Thanks for exercising that restraint.

  5. February 1, 2013 4:15 pm

    Now, that is an excellent list of advices! Thank you very much! If only I had seen this earlier.

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