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A Love Song (With Footnotes)

February 14, 2013

japecakeValentineSong

I gave my love a cherry that had no stone
I gave my love a chicken that had no bone
I told my love a story that had no end
I gave my love a baby with no cryin’.

How can there be a cherry that has no stone? (1)
How can there be a chicken that has no bone? (2)
How can there be a story that has no end? (3)
How can there be a baby with no cryin’? (4)

FOOTNOTES

(1) “Let me get this straight. You took the $8.00 pint of organic cherries I was saving for my compote, sucked the pit out of each one, and then replaced the cherries in the refrigerator?”

“I like to suck on the pits. I’m trying to stop smoking.”

“Get out of my sight.”

(2) “Hmm. Well, I asked you to get me a Filet-O-Fish, and gave you enough money to get something for yourself, but the McNuggets are fine. It’s a 20-piece box, but there are only three left, so I guess you helped yourself on the way home. I also see that you got some honey mustard sauce, even though I go into anaphylactic shock if I get anywhere near bee products, which you might remember from driving me to the emergency room after I accidentally had some of that salad dressing last summer. Let me guess: you forgot napkins, too, didn’t you? [Silence] Yeah. I thought so.”

[Long pause]

“Are you going to eat those?”

(3) “This story makes no sense. I mean, we don’t know if Brandi was telling the truth to the blacksmith, or if Padmalochana was actually her long-lost twin, or if the parrot spilled the beans to the police, or if the archbishop was really willing to give it all up to become a rodeo clown. And couldn’t you have at least stopped at the end of a sentence? This story is just like your community college career and that half-restored 1978 Trans Am that’s been on cinder blocks in the backyard for three years. You never finish anything you start. So, if you really want to get me a present, take these newspapers out to the recycling bin and make sure they end up in it, and not blowing around all over the yard.”

(4) “He’s teething, and I was trying to watch Judge Judy, and I couldn’t hear myself think, so I dipped his binkie in bourbon and crushed half an Ambien into his applesauce. He went out like a light. I hope that was OK. You need me to babysit again tomorrow?”

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. February 14, 2013 6:32 am

    The theory and reality of true love in one simple song – genius!

  2. February 14, 2013 10:51 am

    I have it on good authority that Padmalochana was actually her MOTHER. She takes really good care of herself.

    • February 14, 2013 2:43 pm

      I actually know what happens at the end. Hint: You ever see The Crying Game?

      • February 14, 2013 3:33 pm

        Is it like “The Pajama Game”? (how do you do italics in a comment? Show-off.)

    • February 15, 2013 3:28 pm

      If you use the comment console for comments, you have several formatting options, including italics. The quick and dirty way to do it is to enclose the text you want with these symbols, substituting the less-than sign for ( and the greater-than sign for )

      (i)italics(/i)

      So, with the proper substitutions, it will look like this: italics

      You can do the same thing with bold by using “b” instead of “i.”

  3. February 14, 2013 4:26 pm

    “anaphylactic shock”

    Oh man, back in the day I saw ’em open for Motorhead at the palladium. They were so awesome.

    • February 15, 2013 3:23 pm

      I’m a huge fan of theirs. Peanut Allergy: Live is one of my all-time favorite albums.

  4. February 15, 2013 3:35 pm

    The Filet-O-Fish! It used to come from Gloucester. We took a career tour in high school and they told us “We make it not taste like fish because the rest of the country doesn’t like the taste of fish.”

    • February 15, 2013 3:54 pm

      Ha! I live about 1.25 hours from Gloucester/Rockport and drive out there a few times a year. I’ve never found a single decent seafood joint in Gloucester. But I love the small beach out behind the old cannery.

      • February 15, 2013 5:47 pm

        I live in Anchorage now which is basically Gloucester 45 years ago. Farnam’s in Ipswich best place for clams and bites from green head flies. Would not go out for fish in Gloucester, as all the fish for McDonalds and everywhere else now comes from AK.

  5. May 16, 2013 1:44 pm

    So…when are you available to babysit? She’s sixteen and she’s my sister. Hope that’s okay.

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