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Colony Collapse Disorder: The Latest Theories

May 2, 2013


“Honey bee populations have plummeted in the last half decade as worker bees have mysteriously flown off and never returned to the hives—a phenomenon now called Colony Collapse Disorder. Scientists are stumped.”—Breanna Draxler, Discovery (blog), April 30, 2013

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Formerly busy bees have lost their sense of purpose and now just play Farmville and eat Funyuns and wear sweatpants around the clock.

Bees have given up honey production to capitalize on the cupcake craze. Unfortunately, the demand for BB-sized cupcakes remains limited.

Bees increasingly reject tedious flower-to-flower collection routines in favor of 24-packs of pollen from Costco.

A drone strike, consisting of drones carrying wee picket signs and chanting anti-management slogans, throws the daily schedule of the colony into chaos. Worker bees strike in solidarity before realizing that the drones are lazy, worthless pieces of shit who do nothing but eat and screw all day.

The bees’ knees have been ruined from overdoing it on the Stairmaster. Hive activity is reduced to morning mall walks and complaining about teenagers in saggy jeans.

The bees’ buzz diminishes to almost nothing after they give up double shots of espresso and unfiltered Camels on doctor’s orders. Desperate to somehow make it through the day, bees turn to Red Bull, only to discover they lack the anatomy to open the can.

Bee dances devolve into bee mixers. Essential directional communications are replaced by backseat make-out sessions in the parking lot behind the hive.

Researchers note an alarming spike in bees texting on tiny cellphones while flying. Casualties from mid-air collisions with shuttlecocks reach epidemic proportions.

The queen stops mating and laying eggs. A week later she announces she’s a lesbeean, moves in with a dragonfly named Abigail, and takes up softball.

Hipster bees venture further and further from the hive in an endless search for ever-more-obscure blossoms. Many never return, instead taking up duct-tape handicrafts and/or the hammered dulcimer.

Impressionable, indiscreet bees are blackmailed after falling for “honey traps” set by a suspicious foreign government. Sexy enemy operatives are revealed to be hornets wearing bee masks and minuscule black-and-yellow-striped Spanx.

Bees are switching to stylish but less expensive IKEA hives made from laminated cardboard. When the hives begin to bow under the weight of a few extra books, the bees can’t make repairs, since they lost the little hex wrench that was included. The colony collapses.

13 Comments leave one →
  1. May 2, 2013 2:31 am

    Very funny. They should all go on Jerremy Kyle. He’d sort them out.

  2. May 2, 2013 4:40 am

    That explains why my local Costco is always out of those mega-packs of pollen.

    • May 2, 2013 12:33 pm

      I tried “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Pollen” once, and it turned out to be nothing more than Country Time lemonade powder. My pollen quiche was ruined.

  3. May 2, 2013 6:25 am

    Honey, please!

  4. May 2, 2013 6:45 am

    I think there should be a law banning the use of mobile phones whilst in flight.

    • May 2, 2013 12:39 pm

      Agreed. I’m especially annoyed by all the Justin Beeber and Sting ringtones.

  5. May 2, 2013 1:27 pm

    I was looking for information trivializing an impending catastrophic ecological disaster and was directed to your blog. Good stuff, but I find the endangered Ozark Hellbender a lot funnier.

    Don’t you have any salamander jokes? Like (stop me if you’ve heard this one), two Ozark Hellbender salamanders walk into a bar…

    • May 3, 2013 12:14 pm

      How many salamanders does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, as long as they’re in the mood and there’s enough room in the light bulb.

  6. May 4, 2013 3:29 pm

    Hpthh! What more can you expect from union labor? There weren’t these problems when Thatcher was around.

    • May 4, 2013 10:52 pm

      Whenever they got out of line Maggie went after ’em with a can of hair spray.

      • May 6, 2013 1:23 pm

        Ha- yeah I believe with only a bic lighter and a few cans of her signature IRON LADY styling aerosol (“Your hair will not turn!”) she held the line in the Falklands.

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