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Possible Responses to Sudden, Unexpected, and/or Unwanted Declarations of “I Love You”

June 5, 2013


“And I love pancakes!”

“Now say it without using the sock puppet.”

[Extended pause] “Does this mean we’re not gonna screw?”

“Please submit all declarations of love in writing and allow four to six weeks for processing.”

“It’ll never work. I’m a Sagittarius, you’re an asshole.”

“Cool. Do you have your half of the rent?”

Everyone loves me! Except me. I hate myself. And you.”

[Quizzically cocks head to one side, like a dog hearing a high-pitched sound]

“Not when you find out what I did with your toothbrush.”

“You didn’t say ‘Simon says,’ Simon!”

“That’s just the chloroform and ball gag talking.”

“What is this thing called love? Seriously, it’s been sitting on the porch for a week and I’m tired of stepping over it.”

“You sure have a funny way of showing it, what with both hands around my neck.”

“At ease, private!” [They begin making out]

“Yes, but what about my pizza? I phoned almost an hour ago.”

“Would you be willing to state that under oath?” [Calls in notary public from next room]

“You’re the sorriest excuse for a dominatrix I ever dropped two hundred bucks on!”

“Prove it. Let me use your 10% employee discount at Walmart.”

“Prove it. Clean yourself up and swear off drugs and get a job and … nah, just pass me the bong.”

“Prove it. Move to Greenland and never contact me again.”

“I’m still taking half of everything, and the dog, and the kids have to live with you.”

“You’re the sorriest excuse for a panhandling mime I ever dropped a buck on. Also, you need to stop screaming, ‘Let me out of this goddamned transparent box!’ ”

[Leaning in and pointing at other person’s nostril] “Booger.”

“Sorry, Axelrod, but the warden says we still gotta electrocute you tomorrow.”

“I don’t think you understand how haiku works.”

“What do you want, a medal?” [Pulls out heart-shaped platinum medal with “Love” emblazoned in rubies] “Here you go.”

“Shut the fuck up, E.T.! I’m trying to watch the CHiPs marathon!”

“Go fish. Do you have any jacks?”

“That’s it? I thought you were going to tell me that you forgot to bring the coupons.”

Danke, mein Führer. And may I add that your English is excellent!”

Now you tell me!” [Holds up empty pill bottle, slumps to floor]

23 Comments leave one →
  1. June 5, 2013 1:51 am

    I really like that last one. From now on I’m going to carry an empty pill bottle everywhere, just in case.

    • June 5, 2013 5:49 pm

      For added effect, fill the bottle with Tic Tacs and down them all in one gulp.

  2. June 5, 2013 2:24 am

    Wow that 1st pic takes me back. I totally remember watching that famous mixed gender tennis match in the seventies. Billie Jean King and Johnny Cash! Would had been more entertaining if Johnny wasn’t just smoking cigarettes on the baseline and watching shots go by…

    • June 5, 2013 9:46 am

      Wish I’d thought of this.

    • June 5, 2013 5:55 pm

      That was a pretty good match, but my favorite was when Chris Evert trounced Potsie in straight sets.

      I actually cribbed the photo from a rare, early Japey classic.

  3. June 5, 2013 6:52 am

    These snappy comebacks are a perfect example of all the things I should’ve said if that ever happened to me. In the event that it ever does, I’ll be ready to forget every one of them and come up with something original, like “Umm..I guess I love you too then…what’s your name again?”

    • June 5, 2013 6:03 pm

      a perfect example of all the things I should’ve said if that ever happened to me

      If you manage to work your way through all of them, you win a $10 gift card good at any Jiffy Lube.

      • June 5, 2013 6:12 pm

        Kudos for working the word “lube” into a comment about a post on being told “I love you”

  4. June 5, 2013 9:50 am

    Wait a minute…do you mean my significant other sharing his love of pancakes at that special moment wasn’t just a whimsical comment meant to reflect his giddy joy at the depth of my love? dang.

    • June 5, 2013 6:05 pm

      He was just reflecting his giddy joy at the depth of his love for Mrs. Butterworth.

  5. June 5, 2013 9:53 am

    The woman with the ball-gag seems quite at ease in that photo. As if she’s asking if you have your insurance card with you and some ID so she can fill out your records before the doctor sees you. Well, should would ask you that. Except… you know…

    • June 5, 2013 2:22 pm

      Exactly. That level of sangfroid in such a situation kind of doubles the creep-factor.

    • June 5, 2013 6:13 pm

      The woman with the ball-gag seems quite at ease in that photo

      It’s a perfect example of good ball-gag technique. A common beginner’s mistake is to try to shove a cube in there. You can’t get a good seal with all those corners.

  6. pornobuscarporno permalink
    June 5, 2013 10:29 am

    “Not when you find out what I did with your toothbrush.” Never thought about this. I’ll never sleep again

  7. June 8, 2013 11:31 pm

    “Love is just an experiment for lonely people, so don’t make me your lab monkey.” I would only wish I had admirers to turn away.

    • June 10, 2013 11:23 am

      A lab monkey would actually be pretty fun. Unfortunately, my love lab is mostly populated by cockroaches.

  8. June 12, 2013 5:55 pm

    Oh God, a notary? Are verbal contracts still a thing?

    And in my last relationship, I was both the Sagittarius and the asshole.

    • June 12, 2013 7:31 pm

      I love the name of your blog. It makes me think of Tura Satana furiously typing away at a laptop in a Starbucks. In black and white, of course.

  9. July 8, 2013 7:50 am

    “It’ll never work. I’m a Sagittarius, you’re an asshole.”… brilliant!

  10. August 2, 2013 10:24 pm

    “Prove it. Move to Greenland and never contact me again.” My goodness, this is so mean but I laughed. LOL

  11. September 12, 2013 12:42 pm

    i have actually said a few of these

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