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The Ten Commandments (Passive-Aggressive Version)

December 2, 2015


Thou shalt have no other gods before Me. Not mad, just saying.

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate Me; and showing mercy unto thousands of them that love Me, and keep My commandments. Or whatever, LOL.

Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh His name in vain. But yeah, no, go ahead, it’s fine.

Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it. No biggie. Though I was kinda wondering, since thou slept in and went to the monster truck rally last Sunday, but really, you know what? Let’s just move on.

Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. Or not. Whatever makes thee happy.

Thou shalt not kill. :-\

Thou shalt not commit adultery. [Long pause] Welp, I gotta get up early tomorrow, so.

Thou shalt not steal. The Stouffer’s French Bread Pizzas were on my side of the freezer, but I guess it’s My fault, since I forgot to put My name on them.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. Did I mention that? I thought I mentioned that. Maybe not. But I’m pretty sure I did.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbor’s. What? No one’s accusing thee of anything.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. David Zann permalink
    December 2, 2015 5:28 am

    If loving Japecake is wrong then I don't wan'na be right!Sent from my Veriz

  2. December 2, 2015 5:56 am

    Thou shalt not disappear from thy blogscape for months or years at a time, unless thou was very busy. Know what, scratch that one, you were definitely busy doing other stuff, so…

  3. December 2, 2015 11:02 am

    It was all research, man. Trip to the Holy Land, week after week in the Vatican Archives, blisters from burning bushes. Turns out there’s a Wikipedia page.

  4. December 2, 2015 11:06 am

    And I shall accept this God a my Lord and Savior, because not like I’m forced to by the threats of eternal hellfire or anything.

  5. December 2, 2015 6:37 pm

    Who the hell are you?

  6. December 2, 2015 7:50 pm

    George Burns played me in a series of movies.

  7. Honestly Amanda permalink
    December 6, 2015 8:56 pm

    As always, so great!

    • December 6, 2015 10:02 pm

      Thanks for your kind words. However, I am merely a messenger of . . . well, you know.

  8. December 18, 2015 1:55 pm

    That lax attitude is why the Shroud of Turin looks like a mechanics shop rag…

    I mean when your scribe monk knocks over his venti starbucks with the gold leaf brush- you just grab whatevers around you. Most theologians don’t date the first SHAM-WOW till the Lutherans.

    • December 24, 2015 12:23 am

      I always heard that Martin Luther nailed a sheet of Bounty to the door of the cathedral, next to a sheet of the other brand, and the Bounty absorbed twice as many sins.

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