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Star Wars: Not Just a Movie

December 24, 2015


Star Wars: Epic Lunch Box Advertisement

Star Wars: Affectless Action Figure Delivery System

Star Wars: A Riddle Wrapped in a Mystery Inside an Enigma Tucked into a Happy Meal

Star Wars: Two-Hours-Plus Dramatization of a Bumper Sticker

Star Wars: Raison d’être for Legions of Basement-Dwelling, Hygiene-Casual Man-Children

Star Wars: Cinnamon-Bun Coiffure Popularizer

Star Wars: Reckless Mark Hamill Enabler

Star Wars: Metaphorical Latter-Day Career Comb-Over for Harrison Ford

Star Wars: Pernicious Promoter of an “Alternative” Droid Lifestyle

Star Wars: Ewok-Infested Bosch Painting

Star Wars: Malignant, Inoperable Disco-Era Holdover

Star Wars: Insufferable Nostalgia-Generation Device for the Insufferable Children of Insufferable Baby Boomers

Star Wars: Cacophonous Prescription-Strength Soporific

Star Wars: Chernobyl-Grade Multiplex Pollutant

Star Wars: Periodic Herald for the Inexorable Decline of Western Civilization

Star Wars: Neither Holy Nor Roman Nor an Empire

Star Wars: Elbow-Throwing Ball Hog

Star Wars: The BFF You’re Desperately Trying to Figure Out How to Dump

Star Wars: Cinematic Five-Tiered Wedding Cake Made of Sawdust and Rat Turds

Star Wars: Vending Machine Filled Entirely with $1.25 Packs of Generic Fluorescent Orange Peanut Butter Crackers

Star Wars: Three-Day-Old Cup of Rewarmed K-Cup Decaf Forgotten in the Microwave

Star Wars: Lingering Cloud of Lysol in a Port-a-John in August

Star Wars: The Murky Liquid That Comes Out When You First Squeeze the Mustard Bottle

Star Wars: Bloated Macaroni Elbow Left in the Sink Strainer for All Eternity

Star Wars: In a Galaxy Not Far, Far Away Enough

9 Comments leave one →
  1. December 24, 2015 12:27 am


  2. December 28, 2015 2:39 pm

    But did you like the movie?

  3. December 28, 2015 6:46 pm

    When the Thermos that came with the lunchbox leaked it made me so mad that I decided to boycott.

    • January 8, 2016 10:49 pm

      Cars, health insurance, fast-food, sports-team memorabilia, tampons, adult diapers… a few of things Disney’s Star Wars has sold.

      • January 8, 2016 10:56 pm

        May the super-absorbent force be with you.

  4. permalink
    December 29, 2015 8:46 am

    Oh come on.  I love Star Wars.  Not every movie can be a 3 hour snooze fest of has-bens yelling ‘Fuck’ and ‘Nigger’ at each other.

  5. David Zann permalink
    January 7, 2016 1:05 pm

    After seeing the new Star Wars movie, I'm pretty sure the only romance was a gay romance.Sent from my Veriz

  6. January 8, 2016 10:47 pm

    The greatest was listening to JJ Abrams telling NPR how thrilled he was his new movie was such a profit-reaping success. I don’t know if JJ Abrams understands that Disney can commercialize any shitty repeat-movie it wants into a mega-million success.

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