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Trigger Warnings (WARNING: Triggers May Trigger Trigger Warning Triggering)

February 25, 2016


This semester’s History of Cinema seminar, “Sex and Violence in the Films of the Coen Brothers,” may include images of sex, violence, and Steve Buscemi.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But this time IT’S NOT.

This Barbie doll may trigger harmful, lifelong body-image issues, including but not limited to an aversion to nipples, inability to pee, and a nagging desire to brand “Malaysia” on your ass.

The white nonpareil covering on Sno-Caps is not intended as a metaphor for The Man trying to keep a dark, chocolatey brother down.

The white “crème” filling in Oreos is not intended as a metaphor for actual dairy cream.

Axe Deodorant Body Spray may trigger unpleasant associations with Lizzie Borden and/or Paul Bunyan.

Your repeated insistence to your waiter, while gnawing on a breadstick, that you must not, under any circumstances, consume any gluten, may trigger the launch of a big glutinous loogie into your minestrone (which you requested with all of the pasta removed).

White Men Can’t Jump may trigger distress in white men who are able to jump but uncomfortable being pressured into doing so. Also in the kneeless. Also, your taste in movies may be called into question.

Some customers may not actually patronize Hooter’s “for the ribs.”

Oscar Meyer Bun-Length Wieners may trigger feelings of inadequacy in individuals who HAVE A SMALL PENIS, YES YOU, DON’T CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY AND LOOK AWAY AND PRETEND THIS ONE ISN’T ABOUT YOU BECAUSE IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU.

The texture of waffles may trigger the image of thermal underwear, which may trigger the memory of your horrible 11th birthday present, which may trigger the memory of a half-melted, grotesquely disfigured Carvel “Cookie Puss” ice cream cake smushed against the side of the box, which may trigger an irrational fear of boxes, which may doom your career at UPS and send you into a tailspin of binge drinking and late-night trips to IHOP, since they’re the only place still open, except you hate pancakes, and the waitress says, Sorry, you gotta order more than just coffee, and hash browns trigger memories of the Potato Famine, and what the fuck is up with crepes, so you order waffles.

This humorous low-budget porn parody of Sex and the City may be vastly superior to the original franchise in every respect.

These oyster crackers may trigger traumatic flashbacks in victims of childhood bullying by mollusks.

Trigger is not for food use. May poison food. For decorative purposes only. Do not mix trigger with household chemicals such as bleach or ammonia. Use trigger only in a well-ventilated space. Trigger contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm. Trigger is not a toy. May cause suffocation. Keep trigger away from babies and children. Trigger is not a safe alternative to cigarettes. Trigger can cause gum disease and tooth loss. Trigger is for external use only. Trigger is not a substitute for medical advice. Trigger may cause abdominal cramping and loose stools. Test trigger on an inconspicuous area before use. Trigger emits showers of sparks. Use only under close adult supervision. Trigger may cause severe tire damage. Trigger does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases. Trigger not to be removed, except by the consumer, under penalty of law.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. February 26, 2016 1:17 pm

    Trigger may bite your face off if you don’t stop singing.

  2. March 2, 2016 7:58 pm

    I bet that horse is hung like a cowboy.

  3. April 9, 2016 1:45 pm

    “…trigger distress in white men who are able to jump but uncomfortable being pressured into doing so. ”

    Trigger Please…

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