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Thomas Kinkade, “Painter of Light,” Has a Death Especially for You

March 17, 2011

Wishing well drowning

Picket fence impalement

Gradual crushing beneath a pallet of warm holiday memories

Stoning Cobblestoning by normally friendly townsfolk on the day of the annual lottery

Horse-drawn hit-and-run

Rose garden roulette

Cottage with walls that slowly close in on occupants, compactor style

Gazebo of Sharks

Old-timey lamppost concealing new-timey incendiary device

Nostalgia (with machete attachment)

Roof-thatching “accident”

Hearth attack

10 Comments leave one →
  1. March 17, 2011 6:57 pm

    You have no idea how much it cheers me to see a satirical post about Thomas Kinkade, “Painter of Light.”

  2. Bren permalink
    March 27, 2011 2:43 pm

    I am enlightened!

  3. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    March 28, 2011 5:02 pm

    …I always referred to him as the “painter of shite”.
    (But Hieronymus’ figures make MUCH better lawn ornaments!)

  4. So Says the Little Boy permalink
    April 4, 2011 6:14 pm

    he looks like such a mustached pedophile.

  5. August 13, 2011 7:05 pm

    Reminds me of that line from HP Lovecraft, “Erring as all mortals must, they were forced by their rigid code to seek concealment above all else; so that they came to use less and less taste in what they concealed.”

  6. August 18, 2011 2:09 am

    At last. I am not alone. As Leonard Cohen said (and I am so fond of repeating), “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”


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