Least Deadly Hurricanes
Lhasa Apso photo (prior to alteration): alexmccranor.com, via Flickr
Barbara (1983): Got something in her eye, typhoon that happened to be jogging past got it out with the corner of a Kleenex, they hit it off, went for coffee
Hank (1986): Wanted to try rotating in the other direction once, “just to see what would happen,” ended up at chiropractor’s
Nancy (1988): Found it difficult to wreak billions of dollars in damage while holding her Lhasa Apso and making it “wave” to freighters at sea
Pete (1989): Showed up for hurricane season 30 lbs. overweight, was out of breath after three rotations
Denise (1992): Was given ultimatim by her mime instructor that it was time for her to get serious and decide whether she was going to be a mime or a hurricane, so she chose mime, but secretly hurricaned on weekends, until her instructor found out and kicked her out of mime school, so she decided to become a full-time hurricane, but was told by her boss, “Sorry, business has just been terrible, we’re letting everyone go, even the hurricanes with seniority,” so she went to the unemployment office and pretended like she was stuck in a transparent box as she waited in line with a single tear streaming down her cheek
Gary (1996): Told by his father all his life that he was a hurri-can’t, spent prime hurricane years in therapy, emerged as a drizzle with healthy yet fragile self-esteem
Lillian (1998): Arrived for work dressed like a hurricane half her age
Byron (2002): Made a big show of butching it up with the storm surges and all, but wasn’t fooling anyone
Diana (2004): Lost momentum from repeatedly stopping to correct people that it’s “Dee-AH-na,” not “Di-AN-na”
Frank (2005): Upon making landfall in the Florida panhandle, phoned his building super, Gordie, in a panic, because he thought he turned the iron off before he left, but wasn’t 100% sure, and couldn’t Gordie double-check and also see about the toilet handle while he was there, but Gordie didn’t answer, so he left a message telling Gordie to call him at his hotel to confirm that he got the message, he should be back in the room by 6:00, and it’s really important, so please don’t forget, and then hung up and worried about whether he left anything embarrassing lying around in plain sight
Marcie (2006): Didn’t realize hurricane major required so much math, switched to communications
Jeremy (2009): Smacked beef jerky display off counter, said, “I quit this f*ckin’ job!,” tore off Sunoco smock, stormed out door; damage estimated at $7.62 (docked from final paycheck)
japecake 
Can’t say we’ve ever had any notable hurricanes here in New Zealand. But if we did, it would be one of these: careless, laid back, idiotic and forgettable. In fact, if we ever had a hurricane, it would probably be Pete.
I don’t mean this as in insult–it’s just an observation–but your comment made me think of the analogous perception, from a ridiculous, insular, ill-informed American perspective, of Canada (= America lite) and New Zealand (= Australia lite). I have to admit I know almost nothing substantial about New Zealand. (Though I remember, and enjoy, the scene drawing the clear distinctions between Aussies and Kiwis in the Death Proof segment of Grindhouse.) What’s a great New Zealand film that I should see? (Ha, no Tolkien adaptations, please–though Jackson’s Heavenly Creatures is stunningly brilliant, and Forgotten Silver is pretty darned good.)
Back in March I wrote a post about the best NZ films, all of which are worth seeing:
http://magnoliaforever.wordpress.com/2011/03/31/youre-a-major-egg-the-ten-greatest-films-of-new-zealand/
As a Canadian, I always felt that Australia and Canada shared a lot of characteristics. So I would find NZ even more laid back, eh? I guess I’d have to be in a coma to fully appreciate it. Almost all of the hurricane remnants we get up here are pre-downgraded… essentially “hurricane lites”, so even the weather bears out your reasoning!
What about Hurricane Moron? He’s been swirling around Washington DC for quite some time now.
I think that “Santorum” has pretty much cornered the market on unpleasant-to-contemplate name associations in Washington.
I think Diana was downgraded to a tropical storm before she hit land.
“Downgraded” seems so harsh … I think you meant to say that the hurricane was outsourced.
“hurri-can’t.” Well played. sir. Well played.
And as for Hurricane Hank, it didn’t work out so well, but you know what they say: Once you go counter-clockwise…
…you’ve broken the clock, unless it’s digital, in which case you’ve really done something wrong.
That explains the utter failure of “Liza with a “z”, not Liza with an “s”, cause Liza with an “s” goes “sss”. Which, as we all know is the sound of wind escaping.
Too damn bad, as it was headed “straight” for West Palm Beach”, and those hurricane party invitations had to be quickly converted into invites for a “Life is a Cabaret” soiree. Which was a major success, except that in the aftermath, Frank down at Farmers could not be convinced that the damages the house sustained were due to the hurricane that never was!
Just killing time now, waiting on hurricane Madonna.
According to the National Weather Service, Hurricane Madonna has a reputation for hitting dark-complected coastlines half her age and may be accompanied by hail and a loud dance beat. Take cover immediately.
A maelstrom of cougar skank!
I have no idea what those hurricanes are, …but they are really funny.
Someone posted a link to your site on facebook and I so I clicked over and found this post. I’m currently lying on my back in my cubicle after likely slipping a disc from laughing so hard. I’m not sure if this comment will be grammatically correct since I can’t see the screen from down here, but hopefully you get the point. hilarious!