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Least Deadly Hurricanes

August 29, 2011

Lhasa Apso photo (prior to alteration): alexmccranor.com, via Flickr

Barbara (1983): Got something in her eye, typhoon that happened to be jogging past got it out with the corner of a Kleenex, they hit it off, went for coffee

Hank (1986): Wanted to try rotating in the other direction once, “just to see what would happen,” ended up at chiropractor’s

Nancy (1988): Found it difficult to wreak billions of dollars in damage while holding her Lhasa Apso and making it “wave” to freighters at sea

Pete (1989): Showed up for hurricane season 30 lbs. overweight, was out of breath after three rotations

Denise (1992): Was given ultimatim by her mime instructor that it was time for her to get serious and decide whether she was going to be a mime or a hurricane, so she chose mime, but secretly hurricaned on weekends, until her instructor found out and kicked her out of mime school, so she decided to become a full-time hurricane, but was told by her boss, “Sorry, business has just been terrible, we’re letting everyone go, even the hurricanes with seniority,” so she went to the unemployment office and pretended like she was stuck in a transparent box as she waited in line with a single tear streaming down her cheek

Gary (1996): Told by his father all his life that he was a hurri-can’t, spent prime hurricane years in therapy, emerged as a drizzle with healthy yet fragile self-esteem

Lillian (1998): Arrived for work dressed like a hurricane half her age

Byron (2002): Made a big show of butching it up with the storm surges and all, but wasn’t fooling anyone

Diana (2004): Lost momentum from repeatedly stopping to correct people that it’s “Dee-AH-na,” not “Di-AN-na”

Frank (2005): Upon making landfall in the Florida panhandle, phoned his building super, Gordie, in a panic, because he thought he turned the iron off before he left, but wasn’t 100% sure, and couldn’t Gordie double-check and also see about the toilet handle while he was there, but Gordie didn’t answer, so he left a message telling Gordie to call him at his hotel to confirm that he got the message, he should be back in the room by 6:00, and it’s really important, so please don’t forget, and then hung up and worried about whether he left anything embarrassing lying around in plain sight

Marcie (2006): Didn’t realize hurricane major required so much math, switched to communications

Jeremy (2009): Smacked beef jerky display off counter, said, “I quit this f*ckin’ job!,” tore off Sunoco smock, stormed out door; damage estimated at $7.62 (docked from final paycheck)

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15 Comments leave one →
  1. August 29, 2011 5:04 am

    Can’t say we’ve ever had any notable hurricanes here in New Zealand. But if we did, it would be one of these: careless, laid back, idiotic and forgettable. In fact, if we ever had a hurricane, it would probably be Pete.

    • August 30, 2011 1:00 am

      I don’t mean this as in insult–it’s just an observation–but your comment made me think of the analogous perception, from a ridiculous, insular, ill-informed American perspective, of Canada (= America lite) and New Zealand (= Australia lite). I have to admit I know almost nothing substantial about New Zealand. (Though I remember, and enjoy, the scene drawing the clear distinctions between Aussies and Kiwis in the Death Proof segment of Grindhouse.) What’s a great New Zealand film that I should see? (Ha, no Tolkien adaptations, please–though Jackson’s Heavenly Creatures is stunningly brilliant, and Forgotten Silver is pretty darned good.)

  2. August 29, 2011 6:48 am

    What about Hurricane Moron? He’s been swirling around Washington DC for quite some time now.

    • August 30, 2011 1:06 am

      I think that “Santorum” has pretty much cornered the market on unpleasant-to-contemplate name associations in Washington.

  3. August 29, 2011 10:35 am

    I think Diana was downgraded to a tropical storm before she hit land.

    • August 30, 2011 1:10 am

      “Downgraded” seems so harsh … I think you meant to say that the hurricane was outsourced.

  4. August 29, 2011 10:38 am

    “hurri-can’t.” Well played. sir. Well played.

    And as for Hurricane Hank, it didn’t work out so well, but you know what they say: Once you go counter-clockwise…

    • August 30, 2011 1:08 am

      …you’ve broken the clock, unless it’s digital, in which case you’ve really done something wrong.

  5. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    August 30, 2011 1:32 pm

    That explains the utter failure of “Liza with a “z”, not Liza with an “s”, cause Liza with an “s” goes “sss”. Which, as we all know is the sound of wind escaping.
    Too damn bad, as it was headed “straight” for West Palm Beach”, and those hurricane party invitations had to be quickly converted into invites for a “Life is a Cabaret” soiree. Which was a major success, except that in the aftermath, Frank down at Farmers could not be convinced that the damages the house sustained were due to the hurricane that never was!
    Just killing time now, waiting on hurricane Madonna.

    • August 30, 2011 5:52 pm

      According to the National Weather Service, Hurricane Madonna has a reputation for hitting dark-complected coastlines half her age and may be accompanied by hail and a loud dance beat. Take cover immediately.

      • infinite monkey theorem permalink
        September 4, 2011 1:11 pm

        A maelstrom of cougar skank!

  6. August 31, 2011 10:07 pm

    I have no idea what those hurricanes are, …but they are really funny.

  7. November 1, 2011 8:36 am

    Someone posted a link to your site on facebook and I so I clicked over and found this post. I’m currently lying on my back in my cubicle after likely slipping a disc from laughing so hard. I’m not sure if this comment will be grammatically correct since I can’t see the screen from down here, but hopefully you get the point. hilarious!

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