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Diary of a Shared Keurig Coffee Brewer (Excerpts)

September 20, 2012

Monday, September 10
Someone left their used K-Cup in me today.

Tuesday, September 11
Someone left their used K-Cup in me today.

Wednesday, September 12
Someone left their used K-Cup in me today.

Thursday, September 13
Someone left their used K-Cup in me today.

Friday, September 14
Someone left their used K-Cup in me today.

Saturday, September 15
Someone left their used K-Cup in me today.

Sunday, September 16
Someone left their used K-Cup in me today.

Monday, September 17
Someone left their used K-Cup in me today.

Tuesday, September 18
Idea for a screenplay (romantic comedy/action/drama): Rebecca, a tough-talking, world-weary Israeli hooker with a heart of gold, witnesses the murder of a powerful international weapons smuggler at a hotel in Tel Aviv. Ahmed, a no-nonsense, tough-as-nails Palestinian hitman with a checkered past, is sent to eliminate her. Posing as a new “client,” he takes her on a date with plans to finish her off after dessert—but instead finds that he’s falling for her. After scrapping the hit and telling Omar, his oafish superior, that Rebecca has information and contacts that could lead to a lucrative arms deal with a fearsome terrorist cell, Ahmed is given one week to get the information he needs—and then to finish the job. Instead, Ahmed and Rebecca begin a zany, fun-filled, whirlwind courtship. As they picnic on the shore of the Dead Sea, Ahmed finally confesses his love to Rebecca, tells her the real reason for making her acquaintance, and reveals that his secret lifelong dream is to become the world’s greatest ventriloquist, which he demonstrates with a pita bread. Rebecca, in turn, tells Ahmed that she’s ready to leave her troubled, aimless life behind for a real, lasting relationship, and that, inspired by old Laverne & Shirley reruns, she has always wanted to see Milwaukee. They decide to flee and begin a new life together in America. By this time, Omar’s suspicions have been confirmed—Ahmed is no longer the cold-blooded killer he once was—and he realizes that he needs to take them both out. As danger closes in, Ahmed and Rebecca hatch a wacky scheme to escape—and to steal the terrorists’ $8 million payment. The plan calls for Rebecca to don a beard and turban to play the part of a senior Taliban leader, while Ahmed creates a diversion by masquerading as a belly dancer. Hilarity ensues, and an action-packed chase throughout Jersualem’s most familiar landmarks propels the story toward a rollicking surprise ending. Will their forbidden, cross-cultural love conquer all? Possible titles: Meshuggah and Spice; Deadly Mensch; Love Allah Mode; Yahweh or the Highway; Stuck in the Middle East with You; West Bank Story; Koshers and His; He’s Got His Zion You; It’s Mecca, Rebecca!; We Both Hate Pork. Scarlett Johansson/Paul Rudd? Amy Adams/Mark Ruffalo? Jennifer Aniston/Kal Penn?

Wednesday, September 19
Someone left their used K-Cup in me today.

Thursday, September 20
Someone left their used K-Cup in me today.

Friday, September 21
Someone left their used K-Cup in me today.

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22 Comments leave one →
  1. September 21, 2012 3:42 am

    We haven’d had a good ventriloquist film for years! you are onto a winner there. And i love the name Rebecca.

    • September 21, 2012 8:55 am

      I was at a video store once looking for a film on ventriloquism. I finally found something called Hand Up My Ass, which sounded to me like a documentary from the dummy’s point of view. I was wrong.

  2. September 21, 2012 4:16 am

    All About Tel Aviv? Tinker, Tailor, Hooker, Spy? The Quick and the Dead Sea?

    • September 21, 2012 8:50 am

      I’ll pass these on to the Keurig. It says it’s “blocked,” but that may just be mineral deposits.

  3. September 21, 2012 7:07 am

    If this isn’t proof positive that people need to remove their used K-cups, I don’t know what is.

    • September 21, 2012 8:49 am

      I know what’s going to happen. They’ll stay on top of it for a week or so, but then it’s back to business as usual.

  4. September 22, 2012 2:26 pm

    It appears that there is more brewing that goes on in one of those fancy machines than I thought… 😉

  5. September 22, 2012 4:31 pm

    Who knew? Too bad that Keurig coffee sucks. It’s just awful—like coffee Kool-Aid. And don’t get me started on the flavored stuff.

  6. October 3, 2012 5:57 am

    Ok, all I saw was *Keurig* and clicked it like, “Oh yay! Let’s reeeead.”
    Then ya lost me at “Israeli hooker with a heart of gold”…

    Coffee is definitely not addictive. Obviously just delicious, damnit.

  7. neongreenmilk permalink
    October 8, 2012 5:38 am

    How do you get so many followers. I just started and I need more..

    • October 8, 2012 9:44 am

      Threats and intimidation, mostly. But here’s what I’ll do. I’ll click over to your site and–sight unseen–I will follow you for a while. But if you fail to keep me entertained, I will come down on you with threats and intimidation like you wouldn’t believe. And I will get every one of my legions of loyal followers to do the same. No pressure.

  8. October 8, 2012 12:04 pm

    The possible titles are brilliant! Keurig coffee is seriously, the worst–too bad his or her diary doesn’t have any suicidal ideation in it. Thanks for the early morning laughs.

    • October 8, 2012 3:38 pm

      Thank you. Keurig is a like a Mr. Coffee that dropped out of community college.

  9. October 12, 2012 6:00 pm

    hilarious

    • October 13, 2012 7:12 pm

      Thanks. I just wanted everyone to know that machines have feelings, too, though some are just untalented hacks.

  10. November 1, 2012 3:31 pm

    funny stuff. reading more

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