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FAQ: Frequent Ass Questions

May 27, 2011

I made a mistake at work today that cost the company nearly $10,000. When I go in tomorrow, I’m pretty sure my boss is going to hand me my ass. What should I do?
Throw your ass at him and run.

Do these jeans make my ass look big?
The reason they look funny is that you’re wearing them ass backwards. See? Zipper goes in front.

My ass is grass. Any advice?
Yes. Roll it into a joint, smoke it, and get stoned off your ass. But stay away from asscrack. That’s bad stuff.

Today someone told me I was doing a “half-assed job.” What does that mean, exactly?
It means you need to get up off your ass, get your thumb out of your ass, and find a way to make your ass whole.

I paid my girlfriend a compliment today and she called me an “ass kisser.” Should I break up with her?
You ass: kiss her!

With beach season approaching, I really want to get rid of my lard ass. What can I do?
Exercise and eat sensibly—which means, of course, you can no longer be a candy ass. You also might want to try laughing your ass off by watching, for instance, some assclowns.

My best friend is a taxidermist who specializes in hindquarters, and I’m trying to find him the perfect birthday gift. Suggestions?
I’d give a rat’s ass, or, if finances allow, a horse’s ass.

Every once in a while, I find that something really chaps my ass. Am I just being too sensitive?
If you find yourself in a state of asshurt, it’s likely a combination of windburn and excessive sun exposure. Try upping your sunscreen to a higher SPF, and think about wearing an asshat.

I always get confused when it comes to “dead-ass broke” and “broke ass.” What’s the difference?
In the first instance, you need to be less extravagant, i.e., more of a cheap ass. In the second, you need to immediately get your ass in a sling and seek medical attention. The same holds true for any pain in the ass.

In the midst of a heated argument, I was told to “stick it where the sun don’t shine.” Is that where I think it means?
I’m afraid so. Anywhere above latitude 84° 33′, or exactly 18 degrees within the polar circle. It’s quite a ways. Pack a lunch. And a flashlight.

17 Comments leave one →
  1. May 27, 2011 6:05 am

    Get up from the assphalt and start dancing again.

    • May 27, 2011 9:35 am

      Seismologists are working to develop an early-warning system for those who live on ass faults.

      • sonnypi67 permalink
        May 27, 2011 9:39 am

        Why it is always the asses fault?

      • May 27, 2011 10:18 am

        Because they assk for it.

  2. sonnypi67 permalink
    May 27, 2011 8:46 am

    Nice ass. Can I wear it as a hat?

    • May 27, 2011 9:32 am

      I believe it was Dorothy Parker who said, “Men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses on their asses.” That’s what you call rear-sightedness.

      • sonnypi67 permalink
        May 27, 2011 9:35 am

        I would totally hit on chick with ass specs! How hot!

      • May 27, 2011 10:17 am

        You would probably like the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Ass Specs of Love.

  3. May 27, 2011 9:41 am


    “asshat” is one of my fave curses ever

  4. Margie permalink
    May 27, 2011 10:01 am

    I think asinine fits in here somewhere, but you likely chose not to include it because it is short one ‘s’…

    • May 27, 2011 10:22 am

      For further reading, I recommend the harrowing feline memoir Cat’s Ass: Asinine Lives.

  5. May 29, 2011 10:10 am

    My favourite is the last one. “And a flashlight.” = gold!

  6. July 8, 2011 5:15 pm

    Where’s the “Like” button?

  7. July 8, 2011 5:16 pm

    Found it. 😉

    • July 8, 2011 5:25 pm

      I am impressed by your tenacity and detemination when it comes to denying anonymous kittens a properly balanced diet.

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