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W.O.M.B.: World’s Outstandingest Mommy Blog

August 11, 2011

MOTHER HOVER: Helicopter Mom extraordinaire Jeanne Hawthorne brings home the bacon, fries it up in a pan, and never, ever forgets to coach her children’s soccer teams, supervise their piano practice, or make lemon bars for the P.T.A. Bake Sale. “My kids,” she observes laughingly, “are better than yours!” (See the  full story below)

Whether it’s the line for the drinking fountain at recess, or the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese, your offspring, unique and special as s/he is, gets only one chance to make a first impression. And, let’s face it—“Mark” and “Mary” don’t cut it anymore in the ruthless, dog-eat-dog world of kindergarten. Not by a long shot, when there’s an army of Madisons and Jaydens and Britneys and Britnees and Bryttnies and Britknees just waiting to topple them from the Yale Class of 2033 waiting list. What’s in a name? Ask “John” when he’s rejected by the University of Phoenix, or “Susan” when she’s selecting your nursing home, or “Robert” when he tells you he wants to become a carny, even as his twin, Buckminster, becomes the first teenager in history to win both a MacArthur “Genius” Grant and a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Award in the same year. Don’t condemn the fruit of your loins to the grim future of a Plain Jane or a Shiftless, Heroin-Addicted David. Study the list below to see how smart parents are shaping a bright future for their children—and for all of us—with a potpourri of names sure to set their children apart from the rest of the sandbox riffraff.

Boys: Feldspar, Shale, Borax, Hornblende
Girls: Gypsum, Bismuth, Sulfur, Pyroxene

Vermont Towns
Boys: Brattleboro, Hubbardton, Tinmouth, Bread Loaf
Girls: Quechee, Pomfret, Newfane, South Tunbridge

THE BUCKWHEAT STARTS HERE: One will become pancakes; the other, president

Antiquarian Booksellers’ Jargon
Boys: Flyleaf, Pastedown, Fore Edge, Gutter
Girls: Quarto, Deckle, Errata, Colophon

Surnames of Love Boat Guest Stars Beginning with “S”
Boys: Sargent, Smothers, Stapleton, Storch
Girls: Sales, Savalas, Somers, Swit

Boys: Amaranth, Spelt, Teff, Buckwheat
Girls: Quinoa, Barley, Millet, Sorghum

 * * * * *

Jeanne Hawthorne, of Ocala, Florida (see photo above), is the latest, and unanimous, winner of W.O.M.B.’s prestigious Helicopter Mom of the Week honors.  Unwilling to bow to the laws of gravity when it comes to hovering, Jeanne underwent an experimental surgical procedure that finally allows her to escape the surly bonds of earth in pursuit of the comprehensive management of her children’s every waking second. Best of all, she now runs on 100% pure, corn-derived ethanol, or a double vodka and tonic. Rotor? I hardly even know ’er!

 * * * * *

Teacher Says: “Jacob is having trouble focusing.”
Teacher Means: “I am openly prejudiced and hostile toward your son.”

Teacher Says: “Olivia is generally a good student but needs to apply herself a little more.”
Teacher Means: “I am alarmingly incompetent and should never have been certified to teach.”

Teacher Says: “I don’t think Ellis is performing up to his potential.”
Teacher Means: “I am unfairly unloading a lifetime of bitterness upon my students.”

Teacher Says: “I think it might be a good idea to have Chloe tested for a learning disability.”
Teacher Means: “I abuse drugs and am clearly delusional.”

Teacher Says: “Aiden is a joy to have in class.”
Teacher Means: “I am a dirty whore.”

 * * * * *

Jenson B., 5, sat in the big-boy chair at the barbershop. (Wall Street Journal)

Ryder F., 6, made that adorable scrunchy face he makes whenever he bites into an olive. (Huffington Post)

Jenna W., 5, drank all her soy milk. (London Times)

Ethan B., 3, used his words. (Yahoo! News)

Whitney F., 10, got 100% on her spelling test again, and is definitely the smartest one in her class. (New Yorker)

Aimee V., 7, was honored with her first retrospective, “Visions Apart: Rainbow and Pony Drawings, 2008 – 2011,” on her parents’ Whirlpool refrigerator. She is currently working on “Cold Comfort,” a cycle of glitter-festooned snowflakes cut from folded gift-wrap tissue, to debut in December. (Washington Post)

Abigail P., 9, exceeded earnings expectations at her lemonade stand with revenues of $2.65, up 32% from last Saturday. (Kiplinger’s Personal Finance)

Kendall G., 2, made four poopies. (National Review)

 * * * * *

The Peek-a-Boo Paradox: Where’d You Go?

21 Comments leave one →
  1. August 11, 2011 6:18 am

    Haha, this is definitely one of your best posts. You hit the nail right on the head with the analysis of what teachers really mean.

    True story: my cousin named her child Cazna, because she thought it would make her more unique.

    • August 11, 2011 6:23 pm

      Thanks. You ought to name your firstborn Cazna, just to mess with your cousin.

      • August 11, 2011 8:22 pm

        I don’t think my kid will be named Cazna. I don’t know what he/she will be called, but I can say for certain that Borax, Tinmouth, Deckle and Sorghum are on the shortlist.

  2. August 11, 2011 6:54 am

    Ha! Good stuff. Love the strong womb picture up at the top. George Costanza wanted to name his fictional child, Seven. But after reading this, I think Quinoa has a nicer ring to it (if I only knew how to pronounce it).

    • August 11, 2011 6:25 pm

      You, too can have a uterus of steel with my patented Gyno-Might® system of exercises and dietary supplements, now available on QVC.

  3. August 11, 2011 9:44 am

    America gives birth to twins: Borrow and Spend

    • August 11, 2011 6:29 pm

      I seem to remember reading about a boom in Russian children named “Ronald” and “Yuri” in the late 1980s. I guess that’s better than all of the kids named “Charleston” and “Rumble Seat” in the 1920s.

  4. August 11, 2011 11:12 am

    Maineiac is thinking along the same lines as I am… I was thinking about the alternate name George came up with when Susan’s friends “stole” the name Seven and so he wanted to call their daghter “Soda” (which I honestly think is lovely as a nickname). Don’t underestimate the power of two capital letters in a single name, or the use of puntuation and/or diacritical marks, as in T!m, Sa££y, F®ed, Beck¥, S’am, S&ra, and Ωphêǐá.

    Love this post!! Signed, HoaiPhai’s møm.

    • August 11, 2011 6:30 pm

      He wanted to call their daghter “Soda”

      I’d go with “Fanta.” Or “Moxie.”

  5. August 11, 2011 2:08 pm

    Can you hear me applauding? I hope so! I loved the categories of baby names–too freaking funny!

    • August 11, 2011 6:40 pm

      Thanks. I can’t wait until, 50 years from now, America will be overrun by 70-year-old women named “Kaitlyn,” all sporting sagging lower back tattoos. And 70-year-old men named “Dylan,” reeking of Axe deodorant body spray.

      • August 15, 2011 1:14 pm

        By then, Axe will be marketing scented adult diapers.

  6. August 12, 2011 8:04 pm

    Ummmm, excuse me…I didn’t see my kids names up there…I am sure you overlooked them because your head is full of your sh*t-my-sh*t-says . Well, I guess even the wittiest of us writers (other than myself) is entitled to a mistake now and then… 😉

  7. August 14, 2011 1:09 am

    Excuse me, but there’s a glaring omission: where’s the “Caca Decoder” chart?

  8. August 14, 2011 9:50 am

    May I recommend this.

  9. August 15, 2011 12:28 pm

    Gypsum can also be a boy’s name; just ask my son.

  10. infinite monkey theorem permalink
    August 24, 2011 12:49 pm

    It’s tha way ya tells em’!
    I had a HUGE advantage in life starting out! When my first grade teacher called out my given…”Fission radioactiveyesbutsafetostoreundergroundwepromise atomicmass notinmystateyadon’t”, but my parents Nonukes and Passthedutchie, I just knew I was destined to be somebody! She regarded me coolly, took a sip of water…well, I’m assuming it was water, but she DID have a whole class full of first graders so who could blame her if it was something a bit stronger, and chuckled wickedly…a bit menacing I must confess.

    The next day at roll call when it was time to stop at my platform in the alphabetical choo choo, she paused regarding me over the rims of her glasses, and said…”Fran”. My God NO! I’ve acronymed! How will this impact my plans for world domination? I requested a sheet of 1 inch ruled paper upon which to write my congressman…denied! Oh, she was a crafty one!

    On the up side, I think things turned out okay…(what…yea, yea.) Well I have to go now and finish stocking that end cap…nice theory but I don’t think it holds water ole bean.
    (I think I just broke spell check…my word here is done!)

  11. August 24, 2011 6:58 pm

    I always thought of colophon as a boy’s name. Looks like colon. Boys are stinky. It makes sense to me. But I suppose I can see how it would be more subversive to invert these societal expectations and use one’s precious baby girl in an effort to reclaim the alternative lifestyle they left in college.

    • August 24, 2011 10:05 pm

      I enjoyed your comment, but then I saw your avatar, and now I can’t shake the feeling that Klute-era Jane Fonda is spying on me.

      • August 25, 2011 6:31 am

        I get all of my hair style ideas from pre-1980’s Jane Fonda movies. It’s probably because I grew up thinking my dog was my mom.


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