Prevent Bear Attacks This Summer

Do not provoke bears. Avoid raising topics like religion, politics, and abortion. Instead, engage the bear in friendly conversation about the weather, golf, and their favorite character on The Wire.

Remember that with their keen olfactory sense, bears can smell fear up to a mile away. Farts, too.

If you sense that a bear is about to charge, nod at the “Cash Transactions Only” sign and say, “Sorry, pal, this ain’t Macy’s.”

As a bear prepares to sink his teeth into your arm, quickly gesture toward the UBA (Ursine Benevolent Association) sticker in the rear window of your car. If that fails to stop the attack, open your wallet to show the bear your driver’s license, making sure that the corner of a folded fifty-dollar bill is “accidentally” visible as you whistle and look off to one side.

While simply playing dead has long been advocated as a good defensive strategy, recent research into bear behavior now suggests that playing the death scene from Sophie’s Choice is far more effective. Strangely, the death scene from Steel Magnolias tends to only increase bears’ aggression.

Steer clear of such scents as “Hibernation” by Calvin Klein, “Forever Salmon” by Chanel, and Avon’s “I Can’t Believe It’s Not a Female Grizzly in Heat” in the bottle shaped like a “presenting” female grizzly.

Bears will generally not eat their own, so on the way into bear-populated terrain, stop at a Dunkin’ Donuts and tie a bear claw around your neck as a deterrent. In the absence of a Dunkin’ Donuts, tie a hairy, overweight gay man in flannel around your neck.

Advancing polar bears can be confused by directly accusing them of having a bleach job. Point out that you can already see the telltale dark roots.

Once a bear becomes aware of your presence, quickly offer the information that you “prepped” with Smokey at Choate and rowed with Paddington at Oxford, and hand him a gin and tonic with a hearty slap on the back.

Have all members of your party wear “Goldilocks Had It Coming” t-shirts.

Look an approaching bear square in the eye and say firmly, in your bitchiest voice, “Bear? More like bore.” Most species will quietly slink away and devour an entire tube of raw cookie dough while crying and listening to Joni Mitchell records.

Volunteer that you sleep around a lot, and that if the bear really wants to eat your flesh, fine, but don’t say he wasn’t warned.