I’d Like You to Hate to “Like” Me

Photo (prior to alteration): George Eastman House, via Flickr

Thursday’s Wall Street Journal carried an excellent, thought-provoking article on what its author describes as the “like” culture, an “insidious” phenomenon that has crept up, like a thing ascending creepily, in the world of social media. The sobering thesis is that many active participants in social media—writers of blogs included—fall into the trap of pandering to the lowest common denominator in the blind, desperate, adolescent pursuit of page hits, “likes,” and subscribers. After reading the article, I decided to do a little soul-searching among the dusty depths of the Japecake archive, and I didn’t like what I found. (Why, oh, why did I ever buy an entire pallet of bootlegged Glitter DVDs?) With much shame I came to realize that in post after post, I, too, have regularly fallen victim to a pathetic need to be liked, at any cost, by absolutely anyone who was stupid enough to click on my “FREE √IAG®A HERE!!!” ad. Beginning with the present post, however, I’ve resolved to turn over a new leaf, to reclaim my gritty, independent, contrarian roots. There’s gonna be some changes around here, and, believe me, you’re not gonna like ’em. Like me? Get ready to loathe me. ’Cause that’s that way I like it.

• The weekly delivery of free muffin baskets to each of my subscribers will stop immediately. Please return all uneaten and partly eaten muffins at the earliest opportunity.
• The “Like” button has been reprogrammed so that, each time it is pressed, a kitten somewhere will be forced to eat Puppy Chow, and vice versa.
• The use of my trademark sign-off image, seen below, will cease as soon as a suitable replacement can be found.

• Amusing anecdotes and “life lessons” will now be followed by the phrase “and then they all got tetanus.”
• I will ignore all readers whom I chance to meet on the street or at social functions. (This policy remains unchanged.)
• All of the genial, homespun wisdom previously imparted by Japecake will be replaced with store-bought wisdom made of rayon and PVC.
• Before reading each new post, visitors will be instructed to set the mood by playing Barber’s Adagio for Strings in the background.
• Prospective new subscribers will be required to complete a fitness test and a six-hour examination encompassing mathematics, Euclidean and non-Euclidean geometry, Middle English literature, Potent Potables, and Potpourri.
• The “inspirational” coffee mug I drink from while composing posts will be replaced by a chipped Mason jar. The coffee will be replaced by dill relish.
• All emoticons posted to the blog must incorporate a significant physical abnormality or a crippling psychological disorder. Merely using a slash (/) as a “mouth” does not automatically qualify, unless accompanied by a note from a licensed physician or psychologist describing the condition in detail. The use of “<3” is prohibited altogether, unless the quantity you are describing is indeed less than three.
• The 17th Annual Japecake Teddy Bear Picnic is cancelled. The Japecake Teddy Bear Mulching is scheduled for July 23 (Rain day: July 24).
• All of the crudely Photoshopped images for which Japecake is renowned will hereafter be rendered in monochrome black and white.

That about covers it. Except for my new sign-off photo. Hope you like don’t like it.