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Fifty More Ways to Leave Your Lover

August 30, 2012

Alien abduction, feigned

Alien abduction, actual

Amnesia and short-term memory loss

Amnesia and short-term memory loss

Amnesia and short-term memory loss

Arbitration, binding

Arbitration, non-binding

Backsies

Barrel over Niagara Falls

Batpole

Boiling the pet rabbit on the stove to be discovered by the family upon their return

Breakup clues secretly incorporated into the New York Times crossword

Cake in the shape of a broken heart with strawberry blood, inscribed “It’s over” in black frosting

Catapult

Changing the locks on your shared canal

Civil War re-enactment “accident”

Coffee-can stilts

Crab-walking

Death Divorce by chocolate

Diving into the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese and swimming away

Extra-large self-addressed stamped envelope

Five hundred balloons strapped to a lawn chair

Getting sucked into a huge intake pipe after falling into the chocolate river after being expressly forbidden to drink from the chocolate river

Going out for cigarettes, coming back with the guy who sold you your cigarettes, and a U-Haul

Hang glider with red, white, and blue smoke canisters

Hovercraft, accompanied by your new lover, a licensed hovercraft pilot

ICBM (Inter-condominium ballistic missile)

Leaping onto a moving carousel (only works for one rotation)

Luge

Pogo stick

Pumpkin carriage drawn by mice

Railroad handcar, accompanied your new lover, who sports enormous, handcar-hardened biceps

Rest-stop abandonment

Shot from a cannon

Shot by a cannon

Smoke and mirrors

Surrey with a fringe on top

Fringeless surrey

Sending in your exact double to sustain the relationship on your behalf

Shriner’s mini-car

Stairway to Heaven

Bridge to nowhere, which you burn once you get there

Producing and starring in an infomercial for the “Ten-Minute Relationship-Ending Miracle”

Stiffing them with the check

Stiffing them with a Czech

Up the side of a glass skyscraper, with suction cups

“Unfriending” right as you climax together

Yellow submarine

Yellow Subaru

Yugo at the top of a steep hill

On zebraback

Just stay and suffer in silence

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145 Comments leave one →
  1. nattywiki87 permalink
    August 30, 2012 11:58 pm

    Reblogged this on Writing Haven and commented:
    Haha hilarious

  2. August 31, 2012 6:12 am

    Brilliant – U-Haul had me a chuckling – Can i ask what a Backsie is?

    • August 31, 2012 1:01 pm

      Backsies were the main currency among children in my neighborhood growing up. It’s basically the withdrawal or taking back of a promise. Like a “get out of jail free” card for every occasion. Perfect for so many relationships.

  3. August 31, 2012 8:01 am

    If I knew about the first 49, I wouldn’t have gone woith the last one.

    • August 31, 2012 1:02 pm

      Yeah, but sometimes the last one is so much easier. Climbing a skyscraper with suction cups takes tremendous upper-body strength. Also a good suction-cup dealer.

  4. August 31, 2012 10:07 am

    I am disturbed by the entries that were out of alphabetical order. Disturbed.

  5. August 31, 2012 1:43 pm

    JC: “’Unfriending’ right as you climax together”

    Brrrr! Now that is some cold post-coital PHP, bro..

    Also I never knew “backsies” existed in anything but the pejorative sense: “No Backsies– No Re-Dos!” . I dig your usage better, with the less intolerant undertones.

    • August 31, 2012 6:24 pm

      And, just so there’s no loose ends, I usually demand backsies on the climax, too.

  6. September 4, 2012 4:56 pm

    Oh my. Do these work for men, too? ;)

  7. September 6, 2012 9:19 pm

    By the time I’d prepared and submitted my crossword puzzle to the New York Times, she had already left me, insisting she would no longer play seconds to my love of crosswords.

  8. October 8, 2012 10:20 am

    Best.Post.Ever o.O
    Dude you rock!

    Congrats on Freshly Pressed! :D
    Check mine too?
    Cheers :)

    • October 8, 2012 3:41 pm

      Thanks. Normally I put a lot of thought and effort into the selection of my mangoes, but maybe I’ll make an exception.

  9. creeped permalink
    October 8, 2012 10:24 am

    Lulz

    • October 8, 2012 3:24 pm

      I first read your ID as “creped,” and I thought, What a great name for a bistro.

      • creeped permalink
        October 9, 2012 7:01 am

        Perhaps we could start a chain?

      • October 9, 2012 9:18 am

        Only if we can name the crepes after forgotten 1980s TV stars, e.g., “I’ll have the Ann Jillian, and the lady will have a Jan-Michael Vincent.”

  10. October 8, 2012 10:26 am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epy384Gc9Ic love this song. oh, and your post too… ;)

    • October 8, 2012 3:23 pm

      Thanks. But it was always Tiny Tim’s cover that really spoke to me.

  11. October 8, 2012 10:27 am

    How about telling her you’re going to become a Catholic priest?

    • October 8, 2012 3:19 pm

      He’s the one who encouraged me to go to seminary.

      • rami ungar the writer permalink
        October 8, 2012 3:58 pm

        who’s he? me?

      • October 8, 2012 4:32 pm

        The priest! LOL.

      • rami ungar the writer permalink
        October 8, 2012 4:34 pm

        and what did you say?

      • October 8, 2012 4:46 pm

        I said, “Bless me, Father, for I’m about to sin!” LOL.

      • rami ungar the writer permalink
        October 8, 2012 4:51 pm

        ha!

  12. October 8, 2012 10:38 am

    You must really hate your lover..

    • October 8, 2012 3:18 pm

      I invented the love/hate relationship, but like an idiot, didn’t patent it. Now Ron Popeil sells them on TV at 3 a.m. for three easy payments of $29.99 and lives like a king.

  13. free penny press permalink
    October 8, 2012 10:53 am

    Haha.. “On Zebraback” cracked me up!

    • October 8, 2012 3:16 pm

      Well, if you find yourself breaking up while on safari, what else you gonna do?

  14. October 8, 2012 11:31 am

    I would go with the catapult. At least it would be fun will being flung through the air. Not so sure about the whole landing…
    Funny list!
    Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

    • October 8, 2012 3:15 pm

      Thank you. The netless landing is pretty much the coda to most of my relationships.

  15. October 8, 2012 11:37 am

    Hehehehe.

  16. October 8, 2012 12:11 pm

    I once emailed an about-to-be ex a list of the five reasons we were done. He wrote back complaining I had misspelled his (bloody complicated) last name. Six, I said.

  17. October 8, 2012 1:12 pm

    Is that sign on the plane really for real or did you just photoshop it?

  18. October 8, 2012 2:02 pm

    Now all you need is for Paul Simon to set it to music.

    • October 8, 2012 3:33 pm

      I was hoping for someone more danceable. Maybe Nicky Minaj. Or Johann Strauss II.

  19. October 8, 2012 2:51 pm

    With or without the Shriner fez? (52)

  20. October 8, 2012 3:38 pm

    51st: Posting this piece on his/her Facebook wall with the comment “Pick one”
    Congrats on being Freshly pressed!

    • October 8, 2012 3:44 pm

      I don’t use Facebook, but I love the multiple-choice idea. Maybe a Scantron sheet with fifty tiny circles.

  21. October 8, 2012 4:12 pm

    “Unfriending” right as you climax together <—Oh that hit a nerve!!! How about 'unfriending' then playing the victim?! ;-)

    • October 8, 2012 4:36 pm

      Come to think of it, a “like” button would be the perfect sexual aid.

      • October 9, 2012 9:22 pm

        Yeah but you can only click ‘like’ once :) Unless you ‘unlike’ and then ‘like’ again’, but doesn’t that mean you are starting over too? hmm

      • October 9, 2012 9:26 pm

        I’ve actually given some thought to this very subject:
        japecake.wordpress.com/2011/07/08/id-like-you-to-hate-to-like-me/

  22. October 8, 2012 4:15 pm

    This was pretty funny. I enjoyed the Fatal Attraction scenario, but the “Bridge to nowhere, which you burn once you get there” was cracking me up. Good post

    • October 8, 2012 4:34 pm

      Thank you. That one was inspired by a combination of Sarah Palin and the way I left most jobs I’ve ever had.

  23. October 8, 2012 4:33 pm

    hahahahahah….short term memory loss shud do

  24. October 8, 2012 4:36 pm

    Hilarious post. What about,
    Step 1: eat the mayo after the expiration/freshness date;
    Step 2: make the necessary trip to the ER;
    Step 3: make your escape by fleeing the ER-out the back door, of course.

  25. October 8, 2012 4:41 pm

    Congratulations on your Fresh Press! Your list cracked me up. I really liked the 500 ballons on a folding lawn chair. If only it was that easy.

    • October 8, 2012 4:48 pm

      Thank you. Use hydrogen instead of helium, and you can go full Hindenburg.

      • Lori permalink
        October 8, 2012 4:51 pm

        Excellent thought. But wouldn’t we need a stronger latex ballon?

      • October 8, 2012 4:54 pm

        As curious 12-year-olds, a bunch of us in the neighborhood discovered that you can basically stretch a condom over a watermelon and then still use it as a water balloon. So that’s one possibility.

      • Lori permalink
        October 8, 2012 4:57 pm

        hmmmm……one would have never thought of such a possibility. Except a group of curious 12 year olds.

  26. liamodell1 permalink
    October 8, 2012 4:58 pm

    Haha! Great post! :)

    • October 8, 2012 7:23 pm

      Haha! Great post!

      Thank you. This is also what one says to a particularly impressive structural column.

      • liamodell1 permalink
        October 9, 2012 2:04 am

        Haha! :)

  27. October 8, 2012 5:31 pm

    Loved it – very good :-)

    • October 8, 2012 7:17 pm

      Thank you. I can’t even think of a wise-assed retort to this comment.

  28. October 8, 2012 5:51 pm

    Very funny stuff. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

    • October 8, 2012 7:16 pm

      Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!

      Thanks. I say the exact same thing to my shirts on laundry day. I am lonely and pathetic.

  29. October 8, 2012 5:55 pm

    “Unfriending” right as you climax together”? Hahahaha!

    • October 8, 2012 7:14 pm

      I say, if you have the coordination to pull it off, more power to you.

  30. October 8, 2012 6:07 pm

    HAHAH, personal fav.. on zebra back. If your gunna go, go in jaw-dropping style. (I would have gone pogo stick but my hand-eye-coordination is just terrible!) lol :P

  31. October 8, 2012 6:15 pm

    That was awsome!!! and I’ve done a couple of those things. Congrats on being Freshly pressed

  32. October 8, 2012 6:46 pm

    “stiffing them with a Czech” that’s clever, I’m still cracking up. Best. Post. Ever.

    • October 8, 2012 7:09 pm

      I don’t know. I just got an indignant phone call from the Czech ambassador saying that they want my head on a platter, but they’re going to let someone else pay for it.

  33. October 8, 2012 7:17 pm

    Loved it – Congrats on being FP

    • October 8, 2012 7:25 pm

      Thanks. Congrats on keeping your account. I hope it’s everything you dreamed it would be.

  34. October 8, 2012 7:37 pm

    HA HA Stiffing them with the check is a great one. when I was single that’d be my move. Oh those were the days.

    • October 8, 2012 7:58 pm

      Just be sure to order an appetizer and dessert with dinner.

  35. October 8, 2012 9:18 pm

    Reblogged this on Catholic College Chronicles.

    • October 9, 2012 9:26 am

      Clearly, I am reaching my target demographic with laser-like precision.

      • October 10, 2012 7:34 am

        Ahaha, I suppose so, or I just happen to enjoy your writing a lot.

  36. October 8, 2012 11:17 pm

    Thanks for the laugh ! Will try to apply some. hehehe

  37. October 8, 2012 11:44 pm

    Reblogged this on My Hideout.

  38. October 9, 2012 12:05 am

    nice one!! liked “Cake in the shape of a broken heart with strawberry blood, inscribed “It’s over” in black frosting” most. :)

  39. padiofarty permalink
    October 9, 2012 12:58 am

    How about just shooting her – there again there is the old saying to note is there not – “we can’t live with them and we’re not legally allowed to kill them”

    Of course there again there’s always the Vet to consider – they’re allowed to put them down aren’t they?

    • October 9, 2012 9:19 am

      Nah–the possibility of a haunting is just too much of a hassle.

      • padiofarty permalink
        October 12, 2012 10:24 pm

        Not if you exOrcise everyday.

  40. October 9, 2012 1:43 am

    “Unfriending right as you climax together.” bahahahahaha too good.

  41. bublibeauty permalink
    October 9, 2012 2:46 am

    Hahaha . Great one

  42. October 9, 2012 9:09 am

    Having trouble picking my favorites. But if I had a Batpole . . .

    Seriously loved this!!

    • October 9, 2012 9:14 am

      if I had a Batpole

      I think this was also the title of a folk song that was briefly popular in the 1960s.

  43. The LensMaster permalink
    October 9, 2012 11:47 am

    I’ll go for arbitration…non-binding!!! Just in case…

    • October 9, 2012 3:12 pm

      It’s true, you never know. Better keep your railroad handcar running.

  44. October 9, 2012 1:31 pm

    Perfect post for where I am right now, thanks for all of the ideas!

    • October 9, 2012 3:10 pm

      Perfect post for where I am right now

      Hopefully, not under the watchful eye of your miserable, sociopathic mate.

      • padiofarty permalink
        October 12, 2012 10:26 pm

        or a Catholic resident in the Vatican

  45. October 9, 2012 2:51 pm

    Reblogged this on Pretty Ramblings and commented:
    This blogger is realy funny. Hahaha although I know it’s meant for comedy, can you imagine what it would feel like to be broken uo with like this?

  46. October 9, 2012 3:26 pm

    W.W.P.S.S.? (What would Paul Simon say?)
    I hate acronyms. Maybe that’d be a good way to break up with me…

  47. sandybarker permalink
    October 9, 2012 4:02 pm

    The first two. Awesomeness.

  48. mdprincing permalink
    October 9, 2012 4:50 pm

    Damn it! Why didn’t I do the Luge?!

  49. October 9, 2012 5:58 pm

    Lol! Thanks for the laughs. :)

  50. October 9, 2012 6:17 pm

    Just slip out the back Jack…

  51. October 9, 2012 8:10 pm

    Made me smile; then I realized that I’m always the one being left behind (athough not this creatively). Gives me a headstart for the next time.

    • October 9, 2012 9:30 pm

      Yes. Get suspicious if you suddenly see a hovercraft parked at the curb.

  52. October 9, 2012 8:44 pm

    Reblogged this on DeLeDesserts and commented:
    Auvoir, Mon Cheri..bisou bisou!

  53. October 9, 2012 9:29 pm

    My ex wrote on his blog that he was cheating on me (stupidly forgot that he had shown me his blog because he thought he was a writer), me being a half-way decent some-what supportive gf-type subscribed to his blog (also because he asked me to).
    8 months later… blog post about some chick, I moved all of his things into the carport and commented on his blog post “your things are out the front, you might want to hire a car/truck on the way home to pick them up. Please leave my keys in the letterbox. Regards your ex”

    • padiofarty permalink
      October 12, 2012 10:33 pm

      HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA – Marvelous!!!

      ……..and your dinner’s in the dog although by the time you read this it will probably be somewhere in the park, I forgot to take the pooper scooper with me………..

      • October 14, 2012 6:24 pm

        Yup that’s pretty much how it went. He tried to tell me it was fantasy he had written for his readers (all 2 subscribers). When I didn’t buy that he chucked a tanty like a teenager and said that blogs are like diaries and how dare I invade his privacy… umm ok, completely don’t get that insanity.
        Then the idiot asked if he could live there like a housemate because he couldn’t afford to move out, umm NO. The final hilarity was when he tried to use my car to do the move. I told him to get out of the car or I would call the cops. Yes he was a bad choice on my part, don’t know what insanity I was suffering… I got better haha. We all have at least one don’t we hahaha.

    • padiofarty permalink
      October 18, 2012 12:07 am

      Well I put it all down to EMF, a lack of intelligence and solidarity among general practitioner Medical Doctors, environmentalists who know f–k all (“save the bisons daddy, do” – eat them I say), and the air quality – there is no doubt in my mind what so ever that any male born on or after 1960 arrived with a mangina and the oestrogen based words “I deserve better than this” imprinted on his limited brain – I blame it all on the mothers, they either made them closet homosexuals or knitted cardigans they can keep in their closets.

      But then I suppose I’m an old fart!!

      Stick to your guns Lady – onwards and upwards.

  54. October 9, 2012 11:07 pm

    Reblogged this on bridgesburning and commented:
    Hilarious unless..nah still hilarious..it’s a good nifty fifty

    • October 10, 2012 9:08 am

      What wondrous times we live in. In a few years there will be fifty new ways that no one has even dreamed of yet.

      • padiofarty permalink
        October 12, 2012 10:37 pm

        What a mind boggling concept:

        – send your partner on an intergalactic journey; beam his or her genitals to another planet whilst they’re asleep and don’t tell them which planet when they wake up

  55. Miss Molly permalink
    October 9, 2012 11:07 pm

    You could add this one… One way ticket to somewhere (away from you).

    I’m always wary of the airport… my guy left one of his x-wives at an airport. He got off the plane, said he had to go to the bathroom, and got back on another plane, leaving her at their destination. True story.

    • October 10, 2012 9:04 am

      I hope she drowned her sorrows in a $13 martini at the airport bar.

      • Miss Molly permalink
        October 10, 2012 4:34 pm

        That was one the reasons he left her… too many “drownings”… also probably why she didn’t realize he was gone until he was already back at their starting point.

  56. October 10, 2012 12:09 am

    YES! HAHAHA!

  57. October 10, 2012 2:21 am

    thanks for the laugh!

  58. October 10, 2012 4:47 am

    Reblogged this on Jacqueline Schäfers.

  59. October 10, 2012 6:20 am

    My funniest was ‘stay and suffer in silence’. Congrats on being freshly pressed.

    • October 10, 2012 9:11 am

      Thank you. Though I should warn you that staying and suffering in silence may actually be enforced if your mate is a librarian. No bending of the rules, even for the person you’re sleeping with.

  60. yourinquirerprofoundly permalink
    October 10, 2012 4:27 pm

    How many of these methods you got under your belt my friend? Radical suggestions. Love em all!

    • October 10, 2012 5:27 pm

      Thank you. Let’s just say that fifty is only the tip of the iceberg. (No. 51: Have yourself cryogenically frozen with directions to be thawed out once marriage to robots becomes legal.)

  61. October 11, 2012 1:42 pm

    So awesome, hilarious. Will definitely keep an eye out for 50 more.

    • October 11, 2012 3:35 pm

      Thank you. Depending on how lucky I get this weekend, I should be able to field test another dozen or so by Sunday night.

  62. Nitya permalink
    October 14, 2012 3:35 pm

    Brilliant!

  63. October 15, 2012 10:48 am

    Reblogged this on AYUSHMAN PERSHAD and commented:
    SO START BREAKING UP PEOPLE . HAHA.

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